Review Archives (Staff Reviews)
You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.
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Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars review (PSX)Reviewed on June 22, 2005The first few scenes of the game will see George, armed with a surprisingly competent voice actor, subtly mock the French authorities before hitting on Nico, a freelance newspaper photographer. This will all, of course, lead to the rather obvious conclusion of following the killer clown’s trail throughout Paris. |
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Batman Begins review (XBX)Reviewed on June 19, 2005The question of the day is this: how did a company such as Electronic Arts succeed where so many others have failed? Indeed, if anything their involvement should have been a warning sign, a clear indicator that Batman Begins was destined to be little more than an above average piece of soulless entertainment. And yet as succinctly as I may have just summarized the entire game, it still feels right. |
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Choujikuu Yousai Macross: Scrambled Valkyrie review (SNES)Reviewed on June 17, 2005But do not fail to take advantage of your craft’s second capability. While you fly along idly, perhaps through a rare spot of peacefulness where no foes dwell and your guns lay resting silently, a gold, magnetic electricity will surround you on all sides. Should certain models of enemy spacecraft come in contact with your unique force field, they will be subject to your own purposes! |
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Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master review (GEN)Reviewed on June 17, 2005The settings don't just differ from area to area --- they completely change in theme within stages. Your five-minute horseback ride --- during which, as in every level, you battle with a midpoint boss --- is followed by an entry into a high tech, futuristic enemy base, where the enemies no longer toy with spears and ninja stars, but rapid-fire ammunition. |
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FIST review (SAT)Reviewed on June 16, 2005With such a lackluster assortment of characters, the only solution is to compound the problem with one of the worst assortments of special moves ever envisioned. You know you're in trouble when one of the special moves is literally called Punch! Punch! Punch! and is performed by pressing the punch button three times in a row. |
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Come See Me Tonight 2 review (PC)Reviewed on June 16, 2005Suddenly, all you care to do is skip through the text and sleep with the girl of your choice. Text, text, text, sex, text, text, text, text, sex. Eventually, the pattern gets so tedious that you’re tempted to cycle through everything. Yes, that includes the sex. When a hentai game has you weary enough that you don’t even find yourself interested in the bountiful bosoms, you know something’s wrong. |
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Tsumi to Batsu: Hoshi no Keishousha review (N64)Reviewed on June 14, 2005Sin & Punishment was going to be a defining moment for the Nintendo 64... too bad there was nobody left to care. Released exclusively in Japan at a time when most gamers had already moved onto greener pastures, mainstream success seemed to be an all but impossible dream for this, the little shooter that should have. |
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Balloon Fight review (NES)Reviewed on June 10, 2005Starbuck faces shortcomings in technology that don’t hinder his enemy. When he manages to pop an enemy’s singular balloon (to William J. Starbuck’s advantage, he has two balloons!), they have parachutes that allow them to fall gently, often allowing them to float above nearby suspended rocky ledges, as opposed to the infested waters below, where Kazak the space mutant fish would surely like to devour them. |
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Road Rash II review (GEN)Reviewed on June 10, 2005There’s little you can’t do, and there isn’t much that can’t happen, especially over the course of a full race. Fight off the aptly named WAR HAMMER with your bare fists or with an available weapon; swerve in and out of the lanes, avoiding traffic and, on rare occasions, wildlife; and outrun the law to avoid being busted, disqualified from the race, and fined. |
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Jaws review (NES)Reviewed on June 10, 2005Your average encounter with Jaws himself plays out just like any other confrontation; he’ll swim back and forth as you spew rice at him. He’ll swim in your general direction, but unless your deep-sea diver suddenly loses all of his motor skills, the shark will never catch you. |
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Little My Maid review (PC)Reviewed on June 10, 2005Days in Little My Maid pass based on how much stamina you have remaining. This is neat in that it makes you feel like you have more control over the game’s progression, but it’s actually deceptive. Playing around with your exploration options soon reveals that you can only wander the slightest bit from the beaten path before you hit a dead end and have to get back to your main form of amusement: sex with your hosts. |
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Monster Party review (NES)Reviewed on June 09, 2005There’s just something about this game – maybe it’s the unhappy looking skeletons bathed in an ocean of blood, I don’t know – that tells me Nintendo didn’t screen it for potentially offensive content quite as thoroughly as they normally do. |
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Zillion review (SMS)Reviewed on June 08, 2005Even though the game's based on Japan's version of Lazer Tag, THIS IS NOT A LIGHT GUN GAME. It's something far more stimulating: a multi-character stealth action puzzle shooting game. If that isn't clear enough, put on your Crazy Comparison Hat and imagine a cross between Metal Gear, Zelda, Valis III, and Concentration. |
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Techno Cop review (GEN)Reviewed on June 07, 2005It’s as if the programmers realized the sum of their efforts was barely playable and that no one would ever persevere to the end; feeble developers, I salute your painful honesty. |
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Operation Wolf review (ARC)Reviewed on June 07, 2005Enter your location of choice, and you’ll have no time to get acquainted with the serviceable backdrops that signify your surroundings because, with little reasoning behind it, hoards of gun-toting thugs will spring forth from the wilderness or rudimentary huts, unleashing upon you a furious bombardment of artillery. |
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Streets of Rage 2 review (GEN)Reviewed on June 07, 2005Streets of Rage 2 is, apparently, one of the most beloved Sega Genesis titles ever created – rarely have I found so much near-unanimous gushing praise for a side-scrolling beat-‘em-up. I’ve read more than once that this is the best brawler of its generation. The problem: I don’t see it. |
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Serious Sam: The First Encounter review (PC)Reviewed on June 06, 2005If a shooter's DNA is in its enemies, then The First Encounter is an impossible monstrosity, all bones and steel and slime, standing ten stories high. Dumb and furious, it hurls anything it can and charges, unconcerned for itself. Why should it be? If it goes down, a million more will follow... |
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Mobile Light Force 2 review (PS2)Reviewed on June 05, 2005Having played the game, I know now that I could have done very well without experiencing MLF2, thank you very much. Aside from its corny cover, and the fact that the Mobile Light Force acronym can be sounded out as “milf”; there’s very little special about this game. It’s a port of the arguably unspecial Shikigami, from Alpha System. (Not to be confused with the first MLF–on the PlayStation–which is a port of Gunbird, from Psikyo. Don’t ask me…) |
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Stolen review (PS2)Reviewed on June 04, 2005Stolen is a stealth title featuring a sexy female thief, and in a world dominated by ultra-cool and macho Solid Snake types, the black leather clad Anya Romanov (think Underworld) is a welcome as well as delicious sight. |
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Neon Genesis Evangelion review (N64)Reviewed on June 03, 2005Based on the hit anime series of the same name, Neon Genesis Evangelion for the Nintendo 64 would initially appear to be what every Eva fan could ever want: a stunningly realized action game, featuring more giant robot action than you could possibly shake a Progressive Knife at. |
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