Reviews by Jackie Curtis

Final Fantasy IV: The After Years review

When a game is described as fan service, it seems reasonable to question just how the fan is being serviced. Patronage should be rewarded; the Final Fantasy series was built on our backs, us fate-deciding gamers, who saw potential in a…

drella · June 22, 2009

Staff Arcade HG exclusive

Guardians/Denjin Makai II review

Picture yourself as a buxom beauty, your long blonde hair flowing in a ponytail as you sprint across the scorched desert sands of an oil field, your thigh-high white heeled boots kicking up puffs of silt and debris. Generic, gray uniformed…

Jackie Curtis · December 24, 2008

Staff NES HG exclusive

Dynowarz: The Destruction of Spondylus review

And after seven sequences of this, it all abruptly ends. No more muted, garish colors. No more laughable showdowns. No more trying to hit a miniature velociraptor with a stupid arcing bomb because the power-up literally blocked your path…

Jackie Curtis · December 23, 2008

Staff NES HG exclusive

Lot Lot review

If this sounds a bit more like a drawn-out chore than an actual puzzle, it is. You’re merely switching contents around and waiting for membranes to give way as you keep one square completely cleared to avoid losing. Keep swinging contents…

Jackie Curtis · December 23, 2008

Staff Arcade HG exclusive

Hot Pinball review

The theme of each board? Health class diagrams of the female reproductive system!

Jackie Curtis · December 15, 2008

Staff Atari 2600 HG exclusive

Kaboom! review

Notorious serial bomber Baron von Blitzkrieg is astir once more, perched against an entirely gray background atop a solid olive green wall, awaiting his cue to strike. Still adorned in the black-and-white striped jailbird outfit he broke…

Jackie Curtis · December 14, 2008

Staff Atari 2600 HG exclusive

Boxing review

Despite its rudimentary appearance, fundamental match rules, and the fact the only sound effect present is the ungraceful grunt of worn leather connecting with human hide, Boxing still manages to present an engaging experience, albeit for…

Jackie Curtis · December 14, 2008

Staff Game Boy HG exclusive

Super Mario Land review

Two levels amongst the dozen total stand out; the conclusion of the second world forces Mario into a missile-armed submarine for some side-scrolling shmup action while in the finale he becomes a red baron and takes to the skies to battle…

Jackie Curtis · December 14, 2008

Staff PC HG exclusive

Super Text Twist review

Feel free to eat all the cod you want, but koi is not on the menu. Pay for your fish craving with yen, but smaller denominations such as ren are not accepted here. You can bring your sis but not your bro. You can be an ace or a con, but…

Jackie Curtis · November 28, 2008

Staff TurboGrafx-16 HG exclusive

Hatris review

You are Alexey Pajitnov. Perhaps the name rings a bell. You've just created Tetris, the mega-hit puzzle game that has sparked legal battles across the globe over licensing rights and taken both eastern and western audiences by storm. Atari…

Jackie Curtis · November 26, 2008

Staff Game Boy HG exclusive

Pokemon Red review

But it doesn't have to be Mankey; it could be Ratatta. It could be Nidoran. It could be Pidgey, or Pikachu, or Geodude. There is a tendency for the Pokemon you start with to become one of your strongest, but it's not a necessity, and any…

Jackie Curtis · November 26, 2008

Staff Nintendo 64 HG exclusive

Space Invaders review

No shooter formula is more archaic. No shooter formula holds such nostalgia either. Space Invaders has been a simple concept since its first appearance in the arcades of the late 1970s, a classic dance with death from above. The aliens…

Jackie Curtis · November 26, 2008

Staff Arcade HG exclusive

Violent Storm review

Playing this game was all too bizarre for me, like watching the adapted version of your favorite show or movie for a foreign audience. Only the version your watching is an adapted version of an adapted version of an adapted version… it’s…

Jackie Curtis · October 19, 2008

Staff Arcade HG exclusive

Undercover Cops review

In a dimly lit room of political power, town officials plot how to take care of the recent crime outbreak...

Jackie Curtis · September 13, 2008

Staff SNES HG exclusive

The Sporting News Baseball review

I spent so many summer days slugging the hell out of the ball, the cornfield always my sanctuary. I’d run every top slugger of the time (1993) out there, 100 pitches each, and afterward record their totals in spreadsheets. I’d be surprised…

Jackie Curtis · September 8, 2008

Reader PC HG exclusive

Packaging Man review

"Packaging Man" is no more worth playing than any of the other hundred or so shitty Pac-Man clones built and distributed via Flash. It's noteworthy in that it comes packed with a bleeding heart Dogwood Alliance spiel denouncing fast food…

drella · August 7, 2008

Staff Arcade Review of the Week HG exclusive

P.O.W.: Prisoners of War review

I refuse to mince words. P.O.W. Prisoners of War is a game so fucking awful even the genre’s staunchest supporter cannot point to a redeeming snippet. Double Dragon 3 had some kitsch. Mug Smashers had some unintended humor. Even Street…

Jackie Curtis · June 16, 2008

Staff NES Review of the Week HG exclusive

Super Mario Bros. 3 review

There are big fish to fry in the waters of world three and even bigger brothers walk the landscape of four. In five, a spiral palace ominously leads high up into the clouds, but you won’t want to rush to get there; you’re a shoe in anyway…

Jackie Curtis · June 2, 2008

Reader Nintendo 64 HG exclusive

NBA Showtime: NBA on NBC review

I missed a memo. Here I see gawkish, chicken-winged players engaging in dull two-on-two showdowns. Options are minimal: offensively, one can either pass or shoot, or working the turbo button into the mix, pass -- with authority! -- or…

drella · April 6, 2008

Reader Nintendo 64 HG exclusive

Mario Golf review

Seamlessly meshing the country club atmosphere, the intricacies of the classic sport and a cast of characters hailing from the Mushroom Kingdom we grew up dreaming of, Camelot's Mario Golf is devoid of the excessive gimmick and glitz we…

drella · September 12, 2007