Review Archives (All Reviews)
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Parasite Eve II review (PSX)Reviewed on June 20, 2004I still remember the day I heard about this game called Parasite Eve II. A friend of mine was selling it for five bucks, and seeing as I had just purchased a Playstation and had only one game for it, I thought, why not. I think I got a pretty good deal right there, that day. |
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X-Change review (PC)Reviewed on June 20, 2004If in earlier days, or perhaps even now, you were like most young men -- and all you ladies out there, I’m guessing you weren’t -- you probably at some point wished yourself a girl. That’s right -- a frilly dress-wearing, tea party-hosting, Nancy Drew-reading girl. Well I’m here to disillusion you and hopefully break you of those twisted desires, because if X-Change is any indicator -- and knowing the reputed mystical insights possessed by your average Japanese game designer, it probably ... |
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Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic review (PC)Reviewed on June 19, 2004In that familiar galaxy far, far away, some 4000 years before the long-ago events of the two Star Wars film trilogies, the Republic is threatened by a Sith army led by Darth Malak. Its fate lies with the sultry yet sour-mouthed Jedi Bastilla, who possesses a potent ability called Battle Meditation that allowed her to kill Malak’s former master Revan. She’s not doing so well as the game opens, though, as a Sith armada destroys her vessel and forces her to hide out on Taris, a decaying urban world... |
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Ardy Lightfoot review (SNES)Reviewed on June 19, 2004It's not difficult to see why companies often make platformers starring cute mascots. After all, making a lovable talking animal is far more easier than making, say, a lovable angst-filled teenager. Mario, despite being an overweight plumber with approximately zero charisma, is nonetheless one of the most recognizable icons of video gaming. Platformers are also quite easy to develop; they may add new abilities or introduce new elements, but you could still get by perfectly with the run-and-jump ... |
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The Queen of Heart '98 review (PC)Reviewed on June 18, 2004Watanabe Seisakujo is an interesting Japanese company. Obviously an impassioned collection of individuals, they seek to pay tribute to games that they admire. Apparently, some of those games are of an adult nature, as the group tends to borrow their favorite female characters to use in their own games… their own fighting games. Watanabe Seisakujo aren’t alone in their desire to see cute girls beat each other senseless, though, as all their creations have achieved at least cult-level recogniti... |
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DoDonPachi review (ARC)Reviewed on June 18, 2004What is DoDonPachi? If you answered ''a shooter,'' you are wrong. Go home, go directly home, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. |
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Grand Theft Auto: Vice City review (PS2)Reviewed on June 18, 2004Have you ever gotten the urge to run over the old lady that decides to cross in front of you? How about beating up that wierd looking guy and stealing his money? Well, with the next installment of the Grand Theft Auto series, you can. |
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Heavy Barrel review (NES)Reviewed on June 17, 2004The overhead run 'n gunner is a genre that never quite came to fruition on the console front. The pioneering Ikari Warriors series, despite having three separate outings, could not overcome the dreadful archetype that defines it. Guerilla War seemed to get everything right, only to turn around and commit an unpardonable sin - players would infinitely re-spawn upon death, so if they wanted a challenge, they would need to imagine their own handicap. Unfortunately, Heavy Barrel... |
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CIMA: The Enemy review (GBA)Reviewed on June 17, 2004He lurks the hallway, with a silent breath that if heard could draw daggers. He has no fear of a dark death, having seen his master brutally murdered by his laughing nemesis, the would-be destroyer of his people. What he waits for, is what will allow him to keep his promise. His honor, his pride, his life, his friends are all at stake. |
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Ninja Gaiden review (XBX)Reviewed on June 17, 2004Introduction: |
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Amagon review (NES)Reviewed on June 17, 2004When Nintendo released Super Mario Brothers, a new age of video gaming began. Players controlled the cheerful plumber as he traveled on land, in caves, underwater and through castles in his quest to rescue a beautiful princess from the foul dragon Bowser — and loved every glorious second of entertainment that game provided. |
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Wally Bear and the No Gang review (NES)Reviewed on June 15, 2004Few games invite self-parody from first impressions as readily as Wally Bear and the NO Gang. You may have bad or frustrating games, such as Hydlide or Action 52, didactic efforts with a legitimate streak of imagination such as Bible Adventures, or funny ones aware they're a bit simple. But a bear on his skateboard, out to convince other animals with lower self-esteem(their words) that drugs and gangs are a bad idea seems naive. Or perhaps it's just trying to market itself to naive types. In oth... |
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Serious Sam: The First Encounter review (PC)Reviewed on June 14, 2004I can honestly say that only a few things have ever actually hurt my brain. One thing that I remember as a brain-hurter was when my friend Chris and I took apart this really old TV and broke a tube inside it that was labeled as dangerous. Suffice to say, I have worn glasses ever since. Another thing that made my brain hurt was Chemistry. Never knew what was going on in there, but after an hour and a half of learning it, my brain felt like it got sucker-punched by Muhammad Ali. The only thing els... |
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Myst review (JCD)Reviewed on June 14, 2004If you've ever heard someone scrutinizing Myst, you've probably witnessed some loser running to its defense with an inane comment along these lines: “Well, it's really good for what it is.” What is Myst exactly? I'll synopsize the whole game for you: You take a pointer and you click around while collecting clues. Is there something revolutionary and pioneering that I am missing here? Call me ignorant, even go to the extent of calling me a condescending fool, but I'm lost on why people find this ... |
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Autobahn review (APP2)Reviewed on June 14, 2004The goal is to drive down the Autobahn, that famous French freeway with no speed limit and people who like to drive as fast as their cars will move. Other than yourself, though, there aren’t a lot of people who have the sort of engine to take advantage of the environment. So you take it upon yourself to weave through traffic like a soccer mom on the way to the game in her husband’s SUV. Aside from a few minor details, I’ve just described the whole game. |
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Sentimental Shooting review (PC)Reviewed on June 14, 2004Your concentration wavers as her smile catches your eye. What was supposed to be a quick glance turns into a second-long stare as you survey her girlish face and fine figure. Try to forget her vulnerable position, that in a few more seconds her shirt will explode and only her lingerie will remain. The vibrant music only further detaches you from the battle, obscuring the sound of enemy fire. You only hear a dull explosion, switching your focus only to see your ship disintegrate and the words ''G... |
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Metal Slug 3 review (XBX)Reviewed on June 13, 2004Before I begin this review, you should know that I have never played a Metal Slug game in my life. Ever. Metal Slug evaded me on the Saturn since I only recently modded mine, and both Metal Slugs for the PlayStation were said to be abysmal ports. Then Metal Slug 3, considered by fans to be the apex of the series, was announced for the X-Box. This piqued my interest, as the Metal Slug games have always been compared to Konami's Contra series. And god damn... |
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Bubble Bath Babes review (NES)Reviewed on June 11, 2004Bubble Bath Babes(BBB) is well-known in hard-core NES gamer circles for featuring frontal nudity. It's a puzzle game featuring bubble tetrads that rise up into a formation, and if you get a clump of four or more connected bubbles of the same color, they disappear. After several plays, I found the generic nude woman very annoying because she blocked my view of the piece I needed to rotate and quickly place in the right spot. Her friends who disrobe as you get further through a level aren't... |
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Elemental Master review (GEN)Reviewed on June 10, 2004The most endearing quality of Elemental Master is apparent before the controller is even touched. It begins with a pitch-black sky against a low lying blanket of fog, tousled only by the sharp hill tops jutting through, as a single, ever-escalating note lends its intensity to the dreary, oppressive scene. Sheet lightning pierces the darkness, exposing a previously unseen thunderhead. The flashing continues, each pulse giving more form to the cirrus structure, until finally, it is revealed... |
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Lufia & The Fortress of Doom review (SNES)Reviewed on June 10, 2004Out of nowhere there appeared a floating island. Four superhuman beings of evil claimed it as their domain. Wielding the powers of Destruction, Chaos, Death, and Terror, they sought to throw the earth into darkness. The Sinistrals, they were called; armies mustered against them, nations allied to save the world from their iron grasp. And yet none succeeded. Finally, four of the world's most renowned warriors were called on to bring down the island. Lead by Maxim, a red-haired warrior wielding th... |
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