Review Archives (All Reviews)

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Available Reviews
	Scooby-Doo! Night of 100 Frights review (GCN) Reviewed on March 20, 2004 In all honesty, I am probably not the best person to be reviewing Scooby-Doo: Night of 100 Frights, a harmless platformer drummed up by the vapid zombie brains at THQ whose video games based on flavor-of-the-month franchises put premium gas in their SUVs every day and giant shrimp cocktails on their dinner tables every night. Being as my stance on corporate shillery is somewhat less tolerant than Joe Consumer's, I barely stifle the urge to snap it in half like a toothpick (I have to keep...
	Wheel of Fortune review (NES) Reviewed on March 20, 2004 None of this matters, though, compared to a careful dissection of Vanna's role in the game. It's obvious Rare's developers thought a lot of her. Watch closely as she saunters casually across the screen, flipping letters and looking nothing like her real-life counterpart. Another nice touch is that if a letter is more than halfway across the group, she'll walk to the opposite end of the puzzle, while if it's not, she only heads out to the letter, flips it, then returns lazily to her original position.
	Time Crisis 3 review (PS2) Reviewed on March 20, 2004 I remember this last summer, a friend of mine and I ventured off to Maine on vacation. It was a fun trip with lots of little memories here and there, but one memory that sticks with me was the amount of time we spent in the arcades on Old Orchard Beach playing Time Crisis 3. The last shooting game we’d played was the disastrous Terminator: The Arcade Game, and after that Time Crisis 3 seemed like a gift from God. We never did beat the game, but the thirst for more was enough...
	Ragnarok Online review (PC) Reviewed on March 20, 2004 Ragnarok Online (RO) is a very, very basic MMORPG (Which is a ridiculously long acronym for the even more ridiculously long phrase Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Really, you don’t get much more simple than this. But hey, simple isn’t always a bad thing. What do you do in Mario Brothers? You run and jump.
	DoDonPachi review (ARC) Reviewed on March 19, 2004 Take your average vertical shooter with its overused spaceships with their pellet-shooters. Now bring it to life. Add a giant frickin piss laser and the result is DoDonPachi (translated roughly to “The DonPachi,” or “The asskicker”), an exercise in excess that presents insane bullet-dodging challenge and the single most devastating weapon ever put at the disposal of the player. I'm not talking about some puny bullets being shot out; I'm talking about a never-ending stream of agonizing ...
	Amplitude review (PS2) Reviewed on March 17, 2004 The system works astonishingly well, because it grows quite difficult to leap from track to track. Making sudden changes can throw off your groove, so to speak. Sometimes, tracks are just too far out of range. This means that you need to anticipate your moves. See two tracks with score multipliers waiting ahead? One of them is going to make it easier to reach the multiplier that lies beyond, while the other will make such a stretch next to impossible.
	Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing review (PC) Reviewed on March 17, 2004 I’ve never played a game like Big Rigs. It’s a racing game, with trucks. You may first think that it’s simply an 18 Wheeler: American Pro Trucker rip-off. If it tries to be, it’s not. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing is honestly one of the worst games in all of history, for a variety of reasons that make themselves clear from the moment the game is started. I thought I knew what I was in for when I started up the game, because I’d read all the reviews for it beforehand: many c...
	Champions of Norrath: Realms of EverQuest review (PS2) Reviewed on March 17, 2004 It might just be me, but it seems a bit awkward when one starts a review with some sort of a disclaimer — but with Champions of Norrath, it seems almost necessary to do so.
	BioMetal review (SNES) Reviewed on March 16, 2004 Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes through the minds of video game designers and programmers.
	Halo: Combat Evolved review (XBX) Reviewed on March 15, 2004 Two dropships swoop in from the sky. Eight soldiers are going to land on a beach, to take it from some aliens. They know they are outnumbered. Yet they look somewhat eager for battle. Are they suicidal? Do they lust for battle so much that they don't care if they die? It's not just that though. A bit of confidence tingles in their eyes. A giant of a man stands up. He is over 7 feet tall, and clad in green armor. Perhaps this man's badassness is the source of their confidence. How could this be t...
	Akumajou Dracula X: Gekka no Yasoukyoku review (SAT) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 Fulfillment
	The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past review (SNES) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 Take Super Mario World. The same level aesthetic, the same goofy tree sprites, the weird ''Mushroom Kingdom'' look of it all. Apply a steamroller over the game at a 45 degree angle and call the result an ''isometric overhead perspective.'' Replace Mario with a squat, short-bus rendition of the fabled ''Link'' character.
	Spider-Man & Venom: Separation Anxiety review (SNES) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 Sit still. Breathe, blink a few times. Prepare for the most illuminating, hell-harbingering revelation the gaming world has ever seen. Prepare for the naked truth about the miserable Separation Anxiety:
	Final Fight review (SNES) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 Final Fight was originally released with the benefit of being alone in the next generation (of its era, 16 Bit) beat 'em up field. It started to really suck to be Final Fight when Streets of Rage was released; Streets of Rage came along and made Final Fight its female dog. Streets of Rage excels at making a semi-decent game look worse... Simply put, Final Fight is a sissy in the light of a better game.
	Earth Defense Force review (SNES) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 If you take a child to an expensive restaurant, he'll stare vacantly at the menu. He'll skip past the forty dollar steaks slathered in twenty dollar mushroom sauce. He wants nothing to do with anything called ''parmigiana'' or ''primavera.'' He'll search the menu with a look of desperation and defeat as he cannot find macaroni and cheese with cut-up hot dogs, a dollar-store bargain meal he loves for lack of exposure to better food.
	Axelay review (SNES) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 The stage: The Dread Pirate Shooterfan, after successfully delighting in the vast shooter libraries of the glorious Genesis and the timeless Turbo, chances upon the SNES... here he must face a battle of wits with the superhype machine itself:
	After Burner III review (SCD) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 Mark my words: no game has been as thoroughly sodomized as Sega's AfterBurner. Think the Game Boy Advance is littered with horrid ports? How about the GBC with its laughable versions of otherwise successful games? You see, you know what you're getting with Nintendo's portables. Their drastically inferior hardware and minute visibility, for instance, will quell any real expectation you may feel grow for a port arriving for the systems. But Sega took it to the next level with AfterBurner.
	Panzer Dragoon Saga review (SAT) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 Beyond life follows death, but for the most important of all dragon riders, beyond his death is his life, again. Death brings him his destiny, and death raises him from the commoner depths of labor and servitude to the forefront of the struggle between a world and its damnation. Edge, the youth who experiences this soul-altering transformation, dies at the outset of this, the single greatest RPG the world will ever see. He's resurrected and saved from his demise by a dragon, a magnificent beast ...
	Three Sisters' Story review (PC) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 You click and click and click. At first, the story seems interesting because it feels just around the corner from some hot, lusty naked cartoon action. Oh yeah, you're just a few scrolls of text away from the throbbing thrillhammer, huh... Yeah, just keep reading that insipid story about a family torn apart by corporate greed. The backdrop sets itself fast enough and the pace seems set to race toward wild teen orgies at any moment.
	Castlevania review (NES) Reviewed on March 14, 2004 The name is worth a lot and you know it because it means something to you. You played it when you still had your youth, when you still loved birthday parties and still thought girls were gross. You loved Castlevania and it is as old as your love for games. Castlevania was ahead of its time; you've watched the world and the world of videogames change, and you've seen that the power of Castlevania seems to transcend these changes.

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