Review Archives (All Reviews)

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Available Reviews
	F-15 City Wars review (NES) Reviewed on June 12, 2005 I got new socks today! They're all nice and bright white and so warm and comfy and everything. See, my old socks were getting a bit worn, so I had to get new ones. Isn't that neat? No? So why am I telling you all this? I suppose I could relate my experiences with F-15 City Wars, a rather obscure NES game I played, instead. But in all honesty, I found the socks to be more exciting.
	Castlevania: Bloodlines review (GEN) Reviewed on June 11, 2005 Castlevania: Bloodlines, the Genesis’ lone foray into the CV realm, suffered the misfortune of being released during the same era of gaming as effect-laden Super Castlevania IV and mythical Rondo of Blood. Reluctantly playing the hapless third sister of the two aforementioned legends, Bloodlines pulls off a marvelous Cinderella story, giving Genesis owners a CV saga that can proudly stand alongside its majestic siblings.
	Time Crisis II review (ARC) Reviewed on June 11, 2005 They try to tell us in school that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. After my stint hanging out with the LSD-heads, sometimes stooping so low as to snort the gas from a Reddy Whip aerosol can, I can now confidently attest that what they told you in school actually was rooted in truth. Time Crisis II is my irrefutable proof.
	Manhunt review (PS2) Reviewed on June 11, 2005 Manhunt’s critical acclaim led me to believe it would be more than a game that relied purely on the shock value of its graphic violence for attention.
	Balloon Fight review (NES) Reviewed on June 10, 2005 Starbuck faces shortcomings in technology that don’t hinder his enemy. When he manages to pop an enemy’s singular balloon (to William J. Starbuck’s advantage, he has two balloons!), they have parachutes that allow them to fall gently, often allowing them to float above nearby suspended rocky ledges, as opposed to the infested waters below, where Kazak the space mutant fish would surely like to devour them.
	Road Rash II review (GEN) Reviewed on June 10, 2005 There’s little you can’t do, and there isn’t much that can’t happen, especially over the course of a full race. Fight off the aptly named WAR HAMMER with your bare fists or with an available weapon; swerve in and out of the lanes, avoiding traffic and, on rare occasions, wildlife; and outrun the law to avoid being busted, disqualified from the race, and fined.
	Spider-Man & Venom: Maximum Carnage review (GEN) Reviewed on June 10, 2005 One of many Spider-Man video games in a long history of Spider-Man video games, Spider-Man & Venom: Maximum Carnage comes in the form of one of those "beat-a-lot-of-people-ups". It follows a storyline from the comic where Carnage (AKA Cletus "The Slack-Jawed Yokel" Kasady), a psychotic serial killer wearing a psychotic alien symbiotic costume, escapes from the insane asylum to wreak havoc on the city. Of course, he's also gathered together a gang of equally psychotic super-villains to help him; ...
	Jaws review (NES) Reviewed on June 10, 2005 Your average encounter with Jaws himself plays out just like any other confrontation; he’ll swim back and forth as you spew rice at him. He’ll swim in your general direction, but unless your deep-sea diver suddenly loses all of his motor skills, the shark will never catch you.
	Little My Maid review (PC) Reviewed on June 10, 2005 Days in Little My Maid pass based on how much stamina you have remaining. This is neat in that it makes you feel like you have more control over the game’s progression, but it’s actually deceptive. Playing around with your exploration options soon reveals that you can only wander the slightest bit from the beaten path before you hit a dead end and have to get back to your main form of amusement: sex with your hosts.
	Monster Party review (NES) Reviewed on June 09, 2005 There’s just something about this game – maybe it’s the unhappy looking skeletons bathed in an ocean of blood, I don’t know – that tells me Nintendo didn’t screen it for potentially offensive content quite as thoroughly as they normally do.
	.hack Part 4: Quarantine review (PS2) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 The .hack series has established itself as a guilty pleasure of roleplaying video games, akin to Sylvester Stallone and action movies or The OC and cheesy teen dramas. Despite repetitive button mashing and frustrating artificial intelligence, .hack remains entertaining because of a ruthlessly addictive storyline and the encompassing universe around it. .hack//Quarantine is the culmination of the four-part .hack series.
	Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean review (GCN) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 Let's say that one day you and your company of gamers make a hit title, but feel that you're shafted out of making this title everything that it could be. You then split off from your parent company to set things right, but somewhere along the way you realize that you can't just ride the coattails of your parent game, and need to branch out. What is such a fledgling company as Monolith Soft to do? None other than make a game so different as to reqire a name I still haven't found a satisfactory p...
	Zillion review (SMS) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 Even though the game's based on Japan's version of Lazer Tag, THIS IS NOT A LIGHT GUN GAME. It's something far more stimulating: a multi-character stealth action puzzle shooting game. If that isn't clear enough, put on your Crazy Comparison Hat and imagine a cross between Metal Gear, Zelda, Valis III, and Concentration.
	Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening review (PS2) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 I wish I had a sword. A nice, big, demon-slaying sword. And guns, two guns, so I could go John Woo all over legions of the demons. I wish there were legions of demons for me to go John Woo on, endless throngs on hell-spawns ripe for the slicing. I wish I hung out with a girl in a schoolgirl outfit who had more weaponry than a third-world country strapped to her waste. I wish, I wish, I wish.
	Mobile Light Force 2 review (PS2) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 Mobile Light Force 2 is one of those cheesy ‘bullet’ shooters that come along, do absolutely nothing new with the genre, and are only remembered for bombarding the player with an unimaginable number of, well, bullets. That’s probably because shooters like this don’t really have much to hang their hat on, so the developers use an incessant barrage of red and purple lasers as means to supplant actual game play. You know, making the game enjoyable or trying to do something new isn’t a concern of t...
	Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht review (PS2) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 Every now and then a title comes along that changes the way we think about video games – something so startlingly different, so revolutionary, so innovative that it redefines a genre or invents one entirely. Mario was one such; Final Fantasy was another. Metal Gear Solid, Resident Evil, the list goes on. Someday the Xenosaga series, too, might be added to it, but it’s not quite there yet.
	Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005 review (PS2) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 Golf is boring. To me, watching the sport is about as entertaining as throwing money at a comatose stripper. So how can Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005—a game that is more realistic and down-to-earth then any other golf game out there—be entertaining? Because even though there isn’t much joy in watching the game, there is an insane amount of entertainment that comes from playing it; the elation of smashing balls down the fairway, the agony of pitching them into the sand. PGA tour has swayed from all ...
	Thunder Force II review (GEN) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 TechnoSoft’s Thunder Force series of shooters has gained much renown over the years as one of the shining stars of the genre. Combining fast-paced, twitchy action with a few diabolically difficult memorization sections, these games have proven capable of challenging virtually every skill a veteran player may have developed.
	Mario Power Tennis review (GCN) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 To fully judge the merits of Mario Power Tennis you must first take away the glitz, glamour, and venerable fame, push aside the presumptuous stereotypes hastily slapped upon Mario’s name, and simply view the entertainment experienced at the end of your gaming session; it’s fun.
	Sega Rally Championship review (SAT) Reviewed on June 08, 2005 There weren't that many rally games out when Sega Rally Championship was released. Add to the fact that there probably weren't that many GOOD rally games, and you'll understand why so many gamers have fond memories of this Sega oldie. Well, that was then. Now we have all kinds of rally games coming out of developer's asses, making for plenty more to choose from. So, looking back, was SRC actually a good game, or were we too hungry for a standout title to even notice if it was? Well...

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