Review Archives (All Reviews)

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Available Reviews
	Tetris DS review (DS) Reviewed on August 09, 2007 I've said before that Tetris is one of the few games that will never, EVER get old. I stand by that statement, and no matter how many times countless developers will try to reinvent it to make more money, the basic, primitive game of Tetris is probably all we'll need.
	Iridion 3D review (GBA) Reviewed on August 08, 2007 When Iridion 3D was released as part of the Game Boy Advance launch lineup in 2001, it was almost without question the greatest technical marvel the system had. The jump from GBC to GBA was such a great one that most developers didn’t know how to utilize it, yet this little space shooter, as boring and uninspired as it was, managed to pump out an amazing 3D engine unlike anything I’d ever seen on a handheld. It was the kind of game you’d buy alongside your system with the sole intention o...
	The Amazing Maze Game review (ARC) Reviewed on August 08, 2007 Let me start off by asking a simple question. Do you enjoy stabbing yourself in the eyes with pointy things? If you answered "No" to the above question, there's a great chance that the pain suffered in this game will not appeal to you. If you said "Yes", well then boy have I found a game for you: horrible eye pain, and no sharp objects required! See, the game is a plain, black backdrop with a tiny white maze in front. There is two entrances/exits in the maze: one for you and one for the computer...
	Barbie Game Girl review (GB) Reviewed on August 08, 2007 Firstly a disclaimer is warranted. Barbie Game Girl is not, strictly speaking, a game. See, the word "game" generally brings connotations of something which is fun and which you play, and with Barbie Game Girl you do neither. There is nothing fun about this and the playing experience is non-existent. Instead you sit around bashing the buttons in a desperate bid to get Barbie to JUST FUCKING STEER, with your mood becoming increasingly dark and irritable. Eventually, rainclouds form ...
	The Muppets: On with the Show! review (GBA) Reviewed on August 08, 2007 Dear reader, please allow me a moment of misty-eyed recollection. Let me remember the times I spent as a young child - blonde-haired, blue-eyed, grinning broadly, full of life and hope for a bright future, untainted by the rigours of corporate society as we know it today - watching my favourite programmes on television on a weekend evening. Such happy memories - Dukes of Hazzard, Grandstand with Des Lynam, and my favorite programme of all - The Muppet Show. Those brightly coloured bundles of sla...
	Gurumin: A Monstrous Adventure review (PSP) Reviewed on August 07, 2007 Welcome to Tiese.
	Dead to Rights review (GBA) Reviewed on August 06, 2007 Jack Slate wasn't kidding when he said Grant City was the hardest place on Earth. Every inch you walk in his world, you'll confront criminals and bad dudes that wanna kill you. This being an action game and all, you'd figure that would be a great thing, right? I mean, who doesn't want to bust into an area, guns blazing, killing anyone who dares stand in your way? Well, unfortunately, the developers screwed up this simple formula for an action title, because you won't be having any fun at all in ...
	Clock Tower: The First Fear review (PSX) Reviewed on August 05, 2007 As its title implies, The First Fear is an enhanced update of the original Clock Tower on Super Famicom. Unfortunately these enhancements are so meager that you’d have to be a really hardcore fan of the series to even bother with it.
	Slave Pageant review (PC) Reviewed on August 05, 2007 One fateful night, I was working at my usual place of business when a disheveled gentleman hobbled into the spaghetti warehouse. This man was draped in a conspicuous trench coat, as if hiding something on his person. He was sweating bullets from his messy hairdo as if he had been engaged in strenuous activity and exercise for many nights. He hobbled over to me, hands clenching my shoulders as he shook my body and yelled, “You must take this from me!” He then handed me a black jewel case barren e...
	Doom review (GBA) Reviewed on August 05, 2007 It's a future day. As a Marine for Union Aerospace Corporation, or UAC, you're no pushover. You walk with purpose wherever you go, flexing as many muscles as possible. On the job one day, you hear a rumor that the Mars moonbase is having problems. This is somewhat surprising, as ever since its establishment, it had been surprisingly well-kept with few if any issues. As you hear more of the story, you realize that this is serious. Marines and scientists at the base are being slaughtered by hellis...
	LEGO Racers review (N64) Reviewed on August 04, 2007 I've always hated Legos. Perhaps it's my lack of natural building skills, as I've never been into models, Tinker Toys, Jenga, or whatever else there is out there to stack, mold, or design. Figuring that the N64 racing game was just, well, a racing game, I didn't worry that my strong dislike of the toys might come into play. Well, put simply, I was completely wrong. The game involved building and customizing your car and your driver using animated Lego pieces. Alright, so this bugged me. I once a...
	God of War II review (PS2) Reviewed on August 04, 2007 Kratos. He was once a legendary Spartan warrior who fought in many great wars, and he conquered all of them. However, there was one battle he could not win. On the verge of a grisly defeat, he implored for the assistance of the God of War, Ares, to come down and smite his foes. In exchange for the godly intervention, Kratos’ soul now belonged to the vile deity. This set the scene for the events that occurred in the first God of War.
	Gitaroo Man Lives! review (PSP) Reviewed on August 04, 2007 Now that you can shred through your favorite tunes with a plastic guitar controller, the idea of using face buttons and analog sticks to keep the beat must seem antiquated. As the handheld remake of a 2002 PS2 cult classic, Gitaroo Man Lives! hopes you’re in need of such a blast from the past. But this game is about more than learning the rhythm of a few songs. It’s a story of a young man stuck with the strange name of U-1, as he rises from a wimpy doormat to an intergalactic savior. ...
	Mario Party 8 review (WII) Reviewed on August 03, 2007 With Mario Party 3 on the N64 being my only experience with the franchise, I feared I was getting in over my head (tents?), but long and behold, nothing much has changed.
	The Ocean Hunter review (ARC) Reviewed on August 03, 2007 If you, like me, have been wondering lately what it might feel like to shoot torpedoes at sharks and other underwater creatures, then you should immediately head to the nearest arcade with The Ocean Hunter in it. I was attracted to the game by its large guns and underwater theme. Bringing a buddy in with me, we inserted our trusty tokens and took the plunge, so to speak. The helpful screen introduced us to our animated counterparts, who happened to be two divers in tight, uncomfortable-looking w...
	Dragon Knight III review (TGCD) Reviewed on August 02, 2007 As a professional video game expert, it’s my job – no, my duty – to tell you all about the awesome obscure imports that you’ll never get to play because you suck. But I’m also a lazy bastard, so I decided to pull this disc out of the mighty Turbo collection instead.
	Twin Eagle review (NES) Reviewed on August 02, 2007 In the early 1980s, the home console industry would fall apart (especially fueled by the bombing of Atari's E.T.), creating a lull in the gaming niche. This would pave the way for a re-emerging arcade dominance, especially as at the time they were much more powerful than what you would get out of a more convenient stay-at-home play. Oldies like Donkey Kong and Galaga looked much better on arcade than their 2600 counterparts, and without a console's constant specs to weigh them down...
	Mario Party review (N64) Reviewed on August 02, 2007 Mini games are generally designed to be a distraction from the main game - a fun little addition to keep you busy if you get bored with the big picture. Other times mini games are cleverly squeezed into the main game as a way to beat enemies, get through some maze, or find an item. But Mario Party is unique in the way it implements its mini games: as the main part of its gameplay.
	Drakengard review (PS2) Reviewed on August 01, 2007 That's the real problem with Drakengard: it's annoying. Killing stuff just isn't fun. If it were, I'd be able to gloss over such faults and thrive in the moment. Alas, a poor camera (you cannot manually control the view) and a lack of impact (weapon blows feel like they're striking sacks of wheat, not people) further hamper the action.
	The Guardian Legend review (NES) Reviewed on August 01, 2007 Optomon doesn’t initially seem so imposing. This circular, one-eyed mass of vegetation does little but float from one side of the screen to the other while emitting bullets and unpredictable, but slow-moving, lasers. But, while pummeling the monster with everything she has, the Guardian brushes one of those lasers and watches her life bar get decimated. Suddenly, this fight has become a lot more tense as she realizes even the smallest mistake could be her last. And take my word on it — it’s easy to get so focused on dodging lasers that this critter’s weak bullets are what deals the killing blow....

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