Review Archives (All Reviews)

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	Silent Hill 4: The Room review (PS2) Reviewed on December 08, 2004 If you've always wanted to know what the fuss was about concerning this sleepy resort town of Silent Hill, with its decaying, blood-stained populace of hurtful wraiths and broken people--it's not this.	2/5
	Forgotten Realms: Demon Stone review (PS2) Reviewed on November 27, 2004 Demon Stone had two strikes against it right from the start. It feels like Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (blah), and one of the three main playable characters looks like Scott Stapp, formerly of Creed (double blah). Luckily, it manages to outdo the game depiction of that Tolkien classic, though regrettably, there is nothing to be done about the rocker's distasteful likeness.	3/5
	King of Fighters: Maximum Impact review (PS2) Reviewed on November 17, 2004 You couldn't introduce new blood without making at least one of them a busty babe, and so Lien enters the fray, serving up the expected combination of violence and sex we seem to crave from our gaming women. During the intro sequence, she chokes out some nameless dude, and then finds it necessary to zip down her jumpsuit front enough to expose exceptional cleavage which you might liken to two 14-pound bowling balls bursting out of a single ball bag.	3/5
	Shrek 2 review (PS2) Reviewed on November 09, 2004 A lot of people loved Shrek 2. I wasn't one of those people. I thought it was funny, just the way slapstick scenarios and fart gags are funny at the time, but hardly qualify as enduring humour. And so the Shrek name would not arrest me--a non-fanatic--at the game store and whisper into my ear that I must have it. If it did, it would mean I should see someone about hearing voices. If you think it might speak that way to you, you illustrate the only circumstance in which Shrek 2 comes highly recommended. (And you should also see someone about hearing voices.)	3/5
	R-Type Final review (PS2) Reviewed on October 27, 2004 How do you uphold a legacy and follow one of the best games ever made? Final is inferior to Delta, there's no doubt of that. The actual gameplay isn't on the same level: Delta boasted seven ideally crafted stages with beautiful music and detailed background designs. Given the PS2's greater capacity, Final is almost a step backward, only managing an inspiring CGI intro, a handful of standout stages and possibly a single great tune. Final seems to concede level design to its older sibling, concentrating on something else entirely to be its unique selling point.	4/5
	Atomic Robo-Kid review (GEN) Reviewed on October 09, 2004 Where to begin? ABK's faults read like a grocery list--of spoiled items. Your character, an annoyingly cute R2-D2 wannabe, is too large and clunky and slow. What this amounts to is having to drag your excruciatingly lethargic metallic carcass around until you manage to earn a speed up icon. Without one, you won't stand a chance. To that point, allow me to fast forward to the site of the game's supreme manifestation of this greatest flaw, a sticking point that is almost laughable in its hideousness.	1.5/5
	Cubes Invasion review (PC) Reviewed on October 06, 2004 Besides the regular mode of play, there is also a treasure hunt version included in the Cubes Invasion package, which asks that you abandon normal square-clearing mentality in favour of 'freeing' only the pieces with a bag of treasure on them. When you're just starting out, you'll only need to connect one or two bags to proceed to the next stage. But by the time you reach say, stage 20, tons of bags will be crying out to be released from their coloured jails and the stage will likely start you out with the blocks already encroaching dangerously near the top of the well. The evil!	3.5/5
	Spider-Man 2 review (GBA) Reviewed on September 02, 2004 The disappointing adventure is based loosely on the happenings from the hit movie. I say loosely, because the creators of the game saw fit to throw in a host of enemies and situations that have nothing to do with the film in a misguided attempt to give us 'more' than a simple movie play through. I can see the merit in providing us more than just Doctor Octopus as the lone boss character from the feature, and yet--it seems ultimately messy and unfocused to offer up The Lizard and Rhino (among others) as combatants for no good reason in the context of the story.	2/5
	Gate of Thunder review (TGCD) Reviewed on July 25, 2004 Gate relentlessly rocks hard and intense, whether it's level one's appropriate 'let's get it on' tone, or level two's melancholy 'this could get sticky' tune, or level seven's 'you know what must be done' closing track. Never before have I been so into a shooter, and perfect weapon system and engaging enemies aside, the music lends the greatest hand to selling me on this purest excitement. Pure, because there is no nostalgia at work (the game is wholly new to me), no feelings of collector's pride (I bought it manual-less and case-less), no feelings of being on the cutting edge (it's a decade old). The exhilaration is as genuine as it gets.	5/5
	Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master review (GEN) Reviewed on June 04, 2004 With Shinobi III, a new evil has reared its head, demanding of Joe more side-scrolling, projectile-hurling escapades! You and Joe both reminisce, silently cognizant of the style and thunder of his previous path to bloody revenge (forget the offbeat Shadow Dancer for the moment). The Revenge of Shinobi in fact, was the game that cemented his status as hero extraordinaire. That mission had been diabolical in its conception, and his response to its dangers was legendary. Would this latest challenge prove as worthy? Would he?	5/5
	Terranigma review (SNES) Reviewed on April 21, 2004 Terranigma is a bore. There are no two ways about it. Any typically cutesy charm, any simple fun, have been undermined by the title's illusions of grandeur -- it spends so much time trying to manifest a slow build that it just feels slow. Who wants to spend their first two hours or so with an action-RPG slashing at potato bugs and little plants? We are continually assured that greatness is on its way, but the lead up is so tedious that we soon become indifferent as to the possibility of its arrival.	2/5
	Wings of Wor review (GEN) Reviewed on April 12, 2004 Welcome Wor. Brace up, you've got a nasty business ahead to be sure. Six levels of side-scrolling shooting action await you. Spread your ethereal wings and steel your warrior's heart, because this Genesis mission offers up more sheer bullet count -- more grotesquerie -- than you'll likely be prepared for.	4/5
	The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers review (GCN) Reviewed on April 08, 2004 The trouble with The Two Towers, which chronicles the middle chapter (beginning with Frodo still in the care of The Fellowship) of the series, is that it pays so much obvious loving attention to the movie it is borne of, that the gameplay elements seem an afterthought, left under-ripe and wholly unsatisfying. Powerful cinematic moments such as The Battle at Helm's Deep are reduced to novelty, superfluous small screen re-enactments followed up rather clumsily by limited, repetitive Golden Axe-esque gameplay. You'll remember Golden Axe? Perhaps not -- it's a very old game. It featured three characters: one fast, one strong, and one in-between. And so, meet Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn.	2/5
	Disney/Pixar Finding Nemo review (GCN) Reviewed on April 07, 2004 Finding Nemo alternates between being boring and bad. Lest you conclude simply that I was not the intended target market, consider two things: firstly, the movie managed the enviable task of capturing the attention and imaginations of children and adults alike. And secondly, my young nephew was as bored with the proceedings as I was, turning quickly to his Gameboy Advance to play some of his old games. Kids like new. Finding Nemo's inability to engage cannot be understated.	1.5/5
	Hellfire review (GEN) Reviewed on April 03, 2004 This review has big plans. It tells me it wants to be the most useful review I’ve written so far. I’ve written some pretty ones, and some gushy ones, and a good share of tripe, along with the odd nostalgic recollection. But never something this entirely useful. Because let’s face it: the only way you’ll even give Hellfire a second glance even at the miniscule prices it will sell for at a pawn shop, is if you’re a hardcore horizontal shooter fan. And so you are that. And so, almost certainly, you won’t hesitate to give up your McDonald’s apple pie money for Hellfire in order to get your 16-bit blast on. I can’t stop you. I won’t even try.	1.5/5
	Viewpoint review (NEO) Reviewed on February 17, 2004 The VIEWPOINT makes things look decidedly 3D.	2.5/5
	Verytex review (GEN) Reviewed on February 10, 2004 Area three takes us back 'outdoors', over Earth perhaps, high enough to skip through the clouds, but low enough to witness clearly the wake of alien conquest. Surely this 'ravaged metropolis' scene is shooter cliché, but decent execution of it never ceases to bring some degree of profound humanity to any blastathon. Regrettably, the crumbling buildings here are nondescript and repetitive, like the houses that whiz by seen through Fred Flintstones' windows as he runs through his own home.	2.5/5
	XDR: X-Dazedly-Ray review (GEN) Reviewed on February 02, 2004 XDR stands for X-Dazedly-Ray. I couldn't have made that up if I tried. I mean, dazedly? What the hell is that all about? And I love how designers Unipac hyphenated the parts, as if that makes the whole somehow make sense. They would have done better to allow the three letters to keep their mystery! That would have afforded us the opportunity to discuss the possibility of the name's origin in clandestine instant messenger chatrooms, or else on shadowy, cultish internet boards dedicated to talking up bad shooters based solely on their obscurity! But Unipac ruined it for us.	1.5/5
	Tetris review (GB) Reviewed on January 21, 2004 To summarize the Tetris experience is to quote Maynard James Keenan of the great rock band Tool -- as I am often wont to do: I know the pieces fit!	5/5
	Golden Axe review (GEN) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 It seems as if some nefarious evildoing knave by the name of Death Adder (how corny is THAT name) has stolen a Golden Axe. The Golden Axe isn't a weapon you get to use or anything, it's just the sacred artifact that needs rescuing, in place of your girlfriend or sensei. As such, it's rather difficult to care about your quest. I mean, if my girl was kidnapped, I'd be quite riled up and ready to choke a few throats, but the disappearance of a kitchen knife or toolshed mainstay doesn't get me going.	2/5

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