January 30, 2006


Another shitty review for you to read. Yay.

Wait, back it up. Confidence, confidence...sigh.

Anyway I've been working on this one pretty hard for over a week. Wrote it out on paper, then on the computer, then printed it out and made corrections with the pencil. I've got like...twenty copies of this laying around my house. After I was satisfied, I asked Draqq for a critique, which he provided with the quickness (thanks Draqq!). While I was going to wait until the last minute of this round to release it, I'm quite honestly tired of looking at it and I want to start on a Star Fox 64 review.

In any case, I'm quite pleased with it. Since it will amuse me, I'll place the original version of it below. It changed quite a bit from the original draft.

Oh, and one more thing. I know I kinda sound like I'm blowing my horn here, but I did spend a lot of time on this and I would really, really, really appreciate it any input.

[Original Sans the bold and italics. Don't ask why.]

North Korea’s demilitarized zone is hell. President Song, a nice guy who came to power by shooting his father in the head, has nuclear weapons and the desire to use them. The Allied Forces show up for a fight, but they’re not the only ones. South Korea could use bigger borders. China wants some, too. Even the Russian mafia gets in. Five strong, wealthy powers in a single country, and they all want each other dead.

Mercenaries drops you in the middle of it. Literally. You get dropped off a plane.

The objective is easy: Choose from a big, bald black guy, a hot Japanese/British lady, or a mohawkish Swedish brawler. Land in North Korea after a brief briefing, with instructions to hunt down Song and officers, fifty-two genocidal jackasses called the Deck of 52. Get them, get him, get the $100,000,000 (£56,103,153) reward.

It’s harder than it sounds; North Korea’s DMZ is big territory. Mountains. Cities. Rivers. Much ground to cover. You need a car or a helicopter or something; nothing gets done with some solid transport.

But don’t just pick any car. Remember: Everyone hates everyone. If you take a North Korean military car and trying riding into the Allied base, well…


…they’ll probably take you out with a tank. You will learn to hate tanks.

The obvious answer is to find a plain car, but that might not be enough. You can take missions from any faction save North Korea, but the problem is that most missions have you killing other soldiers from other factions, which is bound to piss off their leaders. Working for the Russian mafia gets you in their good graces, true…but it also gives South Korea a reason to shoot you on sight, since the Russians keep paying you to blow up their bases. Making one faction happy means making another furious, and you only get back on the good foot with a little bribery.

North Korea’s the exception. They hate you no matter what.

You’re best off choosing a side and sticking with it. Word to the wise, though: If you can help it, don’t make the Russians mad. They’re your suppliers.

Need something, anything, and the Russians will provide. Health, ammo, cars, air strikes, whatever. Order it online from the MERCHANT OF MENACE (love that name) website, transfer the money, and they’ll have a helicopter over your position in seconds, dropping off your purchase. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Prime case: You’re on a mission to destroy a South Korean installation. You ride in with a SK transport so they don’t notice, but that won’t last when the killing starts. Can’t be helped. You go for it, get out of the car and let loose with the rocket launcher, blindsiding them.

Except for the tank that tank behind the bunkers. You missed him. He doesn’t miss you.


Try again. This time you smart up and bring a sniper rifle, subtler. Find a hill, bring up the scope, and start picking off the Koreans one by one by one.

Except for the tank. The one that moved away from the bunkers and spotted you on the hill.


One…more…time. Screw the transport, screw the sniping. Get close to the base, call the MERCHANT OF MENACE (seriously, I love that name), call a satellite strike, and watch as space missiles level everything in sight, instant kills.

Including that bastard in the tank.

Every mission is like that; every situation has a hundred approaches. Fly down with a helicopter and get the jump on them. Stroll in with one of their tanks and blow them shitless from within. Sneak in Solid Snake style, snapping necks. Hell, if you’re far enough in the game and far enough from ground zero, you can forego the whole mess with a nuke. There’s a hard way, an easy, an easier way, and the best way. Figure it out.

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bluberry bluberry - January 30, 2006 (12:25 PM)
I thought none of us gave a shit.

Anyway, Starfox 64 is a boring rail shooter--I such is admitted in your forthcoming review!
lasthero lasthero - January 30, 2006 (12:46 PM)
Silence, fool! Star Fox 64 is one of my all-time favorites though, I will admit, it's not perfect or anything. Thinking an 8, maybe 7. Didn't care much for two-player, that felt tacked on. But, otherwise, it was a great (if somewhat short) game.

Besides, my review will feature a fat, elderly rabbit telling you to 'DO A BARREL ROLL!' Therefore, it will rock.
bluberry bluberry - January 30, 2006 (01:31 PM)
EmP EmP - January 30, 2006 (02:54 PM)
I loved the two-player mode. It was the rest of the game that sucked.
lasthero lasthero - January 30, 2006 (04:25 PM)
Bah! My amazingly precise and well-written Star Fox 64 review will make your feeble mind change!

Now talk about Mercenaries, ya pandas.
Genj Genj - January 30, 2006 (06:29 PM)
Pandas eat bamboo . . .

EDIT - Wow. You try so hard. All I do is essentially barf all over an MS Word Document and send it in.
lasthero lasthero - January 31, 2006 (05:18 AM)
I used to do that, but it doesn't work for me anymore. I haven't been in a super-writey sort of mode for a while.

But was the end result worth it, ya think?

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