Forums > Contributor Zone > Review of the Week March 14 - 20

So what else am I going to do except start by talking about a ridiculous horror movie?

You know one I really like? The House by the Cemetery (1981) [SPOILERS abound]. Yeah, I'll admit that certain aspects of it haven't aged well, but it's an otherwise solid, creepy splatter flick. I mean, it cuts right to the '80s chase by starting off with a young couple boning in an old, abandoned house and getting killed. What's more '80s than that?

Really, though, who does that? Who passes an empty, dusty manor and says, "You know, that terrifying old mansion is giving me a hard-on. Let's break in and screw!" Not long after popping off, the guy ends up pinned to a door while his girl takes a knife through the cranium, courtesy of the main antagonist Dr. Freudstein. Ouch!

Fast forward a bit and the predictable young couple (Norman and Lucy) and their annoying child (Bob) move into the house, hire a nanny (Ann), and conduct research. As it turns out, Norman's colleague lived in the house previously, before apparently murdering his wife and doing himself in. I'm sure that led to an awkward conversation between Norman and Lucy. "Hey, remember that friend of mine who chopped his wife up and killed himself? We should totally move into his ominous, Victorian-era house!"

Eventually, Norman gets attacked by a rubber bat that refuses to let go of his hand, even after being impaled and hilariously flung all over the place (resulting in a blood splash that hits Bob's face and doesn't faze the kid whatsoever). They get the bat free and head to the hospital, leaving the house empty. Their realtor shows up to let the family know there's another house on the market, only to bump into Freudstein. He apparently isn't too keen on her being there, and takes her out with a fireplace poker to the throat. Double ouch!

Eventually, a slew of horrifying events transpire: Norman discovers the truth about Dr. Fruedstein--that he's a mad doctor who attained a sort of immortality by mutilating his family and using their organs to keep himself alive--and Frueudstein locks Ann in the cellar, where she's horrifically decapitated. Bob goes to look for her, only to hear the repeated thud of her head rolling down the stairs. Lucy finds Bob crying in his room and somehow convinces him that his overactive imagination was playing tricks on him. This prompts Bob to return to the cellar and mutter one of my all-time favorite lines of any movie:

"Ann, mom says you're not dead. Is that true?"

Freudstein traps Bob in the cellar, but luckily Norman comes to the rescue. Rather than leave the house like any sane people would, the whole family confronts Freudstein--which doesn't end well. Norman gets this throat torn out, and Lucy suffers an anticlimactic fate being pulled down the stairs such that her head hits every stair on the way down.

Did I mention that Bob was in regular contact with a ghost girl throughout the film? That was a smart move on his part because she was able to guide him away from Freudstein and into a Silent Hillish afterlife. I read one fan theory that states that Bob was actually pulled into the past, and that he eventually grew up to be Dr. Freudstein. I dunno, if I were the kid last thought I would ever have is, "Gee, it'd be neat if I were just like that guy who murdered my parents!"



OD - Memento Mori ***RUNNER UP***
This review starts off with a little background, then cuts right to the chase. I like that. It assumes that the reader is already familiar with Doom and Doom II, but really the only people who would be looking into this game are folks who fall into that category. You give a good rundown of all the standout levels in this .wad, and even pointing out the ones that didn't work. This is exactly how a good level pack review should turn out, dishing solid details while also showing the writer's passion for the material.

Dagoss - Super Princess Peach ***REVIEW OF THE WEEK***
Your reviews always read like you're curating the game rather than simply reviewing it. I like that. I knew of both Stafy and Princess Peach, but didn't realize the two games were so closely related (Super Princess Peach has been on my mental wishlist for some time, so I've yet to play it and make that discovery). You also address the elephant in the room with this game, in that it paints women as emotional and doing so in a game aimed at children is quite insensitive. This is an all-around terrific review that compares two games while giving due criticisms and outlining Peach's strengths.

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No one is as dumb as I appear to be.

The only thing my milkshake brings to the yard is a subpoena.