Forums > Contributor Zone > Review of the Week: Feb 28 - March 6

Covering for EmP, here's a way late ROTW featuring a fairly new submitter in the form of Tailz.

Typically, I go off on the horror movies I've watched recently, but I thought I would change things up and just rant about one ridiculous flick I've watched. This time, it's Under the Bed (2012), a movie about two brothers coming together to face the predatory being living under their bed. You see, one of these kids got sent away for a while because his family believed that he was delusional and making up stories about the beast. The film begins with him returning home to all sorts of melodrama and cringey dialogue before finding out his younger brother also suffers from the same issues he did--that the monster under the bed gives him nightmares and torments him in the middle of the night. Oh, did I mention that the creature is also responsible for their house burning down, which took their mother's life in the process?

People believe the protagonist is crazy, accuse him of the fire, and bully him constantly. During one of these exchanges, his younger brother implies that he'll murder the bullies, causing them to awkwardly walk away as if they're afraid. However, the scene is so poorly written and the character's claims unbelievable that the bullies' frightened reactions feel comically forced.

Anyway, these kids go through a bunch of awkward segments with various bit roles and a love interest you're supposed to care about who's one dimensional and only appears for maybe a total of two minutes. As the story progresses, the movie threatens to be a Nightmare on Elm Street knockoff, with the characters staving off sleep, passing out, and having realistic and dangerous nightmares and hallucinations. The two decide they've had enough and they're going to fight back. One of them says something like: "The monster is actually afraid of us because we're something it's never had to deal with: brothers." Good god.

This segues into a NOES-ish montage of the brothers preparing for their enemy by creating various traps and tools, similarly to the way Heather Langenkamp did to prepare for Freddy. Unlike Nancy's battle with Krueger, though, their attempt humorously backfires and falls on its ass, leaving you wondering why they even bothered with a dramatic montage.

This nonsense pisses off their father, who begins locking the two in their room at the insistence they "grow up and be men," which lead to them doing unintentionally hilarious things like sleeping on a dresser together or nearly killing each other. Eventually, the father sends the two over to the neighbor for a "sleepover" with their teenagers, both of whom appear to be 14 going on 40. Predictably, the monster follows them and bumps off the "obviously introduced so they can have gruesome deaths" neighbors before chasing the other two back home and killing off their father in particularly nasty, gory fashion.

The remaining characters eventually escape the house and make their way to the garage, where the monster attacks the older brother. However, he kills it via Harry Potter bullshit by dumping his mother's ashes on it. No, the creature doesn't even get the benefit of a "cheesy attempt to suggest there'll be a sequel that everyone knows will never happen" ending, such as a hand popping up out of the garage or an ominous growl as the credits roll. The worst part of it is its death fizzles out in an anticlimax where all you see is a close-up of the urn being dumped on the camera and suddenly the villain's gone.

Like, this is what you were building up? This is the climactic finale? An extreme close-up followed by everyone hugging in the driveway, then credits?

I will say, though, that the creature effects weren't half bad. The monster looked pretty gnarly, as it was practical effects. However, the movie was otherwise a real dud.

So anyway...

OD - Vectorman ***Review of the Week***
I never liked Vectorman, and I honestly couldn't tell you why. It seemed neat, but something about it rubbed me the wrong way. Honestly, I think you covered it here. The review reads like a descent into madness. Everything starts peachy, starts getting ugly, then it all falls apart and we're left with the realization this promising game is actually just a visual treat slapped onto a mediocre-at-best run 'n gun affair. Honestly, there were a lot of games in that era that looked great, had solid marketing and hype, but flat out sucked, and Vectorman is practically the poster child for that group.


Tailz - Day of the Tentacle
There's a wealth of information here. For instance, I didn't know much about SCUMM until reading this. I did play the original Maniac Mansion back in the day, but never could figure it out (I was 10 and not very good at adventure games then). This is a well written review, but I think some parts could stand to be trimmed down. The discussion regarding the plot went on for a bit, and I'll admit I started checking out every so often. Other than that, you support your stance well, backing it up with solid examples and a good description of the game and its content.


Tails - Policenauts ***Runner Up***
One thing I'll mention with this review: you use the word "game" a lot. I know it's hard to avoid in a review about a game, but it becomes repetitive after a bit. I find it helps to go with some synonyms like "title." There is a huge discussion centered on plot here, but it's understandable since this is basically a piece of interactive fiction. You do a good job describing the game and outlining the plot, and your writing style runs pretty smoothly. Kudos!

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Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards!

The only thing my milkshake brings to the yard is a subpoena.

Thanks for the win and kind words. Yeah, Vectorman was a game I figured I'd like when I started playing it and it looked really nice. And then it never really clicked. The enemies were a bit durable (like, in other run-n-guns like Contra and Metal Slug, you tear through them quickly -- there's just a lot of them; while here, there're more spread out and take more punishment), the non-gimmick boss levels all kind of blended together and those gimmick ones were more annoying than fun, the time limits were strict to the point of detracting from the experience at times and it was just a struggle to get through it.

I will say that, other than a few scenes apparently, the game was still better-sounding than that movie you watched!

I'm not afraid to die because I am invincible
Viva la muerte, that's my goddamn principle

Thanks for taking care of this week, Joe, and congratulations to overdrive on another win. He's become the guy to beat in 2022 and we're not even a third of the way through yet!

"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." - John F. Kennedy on reality

"What if everything you see is more than what you see--the person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a secret door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn't? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things." - Shigeru Miyamoto on secret doors to another world2