March 17, 2007
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Most of us gamers pretty much know how to wield a sword or handle a firearm with ease. But what of the other methods of destruction, that would be very out of place in the real world? Video games allow us to toy with some of the wildest weaponry that can be imagined, and although they aren't always of the most practical use, they can still be excellent tools to help aid your quest for glory, domination, revenge or what have you. None of these 'weapons' are currently available on the market, and they probably never will be; even the baddest terrorist with a solid AK would cry in the face of these babies.
10:Head-whip - Earthworm Jim (GEN)
"Eat Dirt!" Even though he has a killer firearm, this worm can always rely on his own head in the heat of battle. I mean this literally. It may not contain any brains, but Jim's head is a wonderful way to whip up bad guys into shape.
9:Joachim's Frozen Tuna - Shadow Hearts: Covenant (PS2)
This bulked-up dude can use anything and everything as a weapon! A fat catch of protein and omega-3 rich tuna is one of my favourites. Apparently it suffered from an uncurable disease and froze itself (wtf?!), but it still smacks hard like a bodybuilder's prime food should. Now to go find myself some of this good stuff.
8:Dino-made Eggs - Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (SNES)
Eggs have been used for many years in human civilisation as a derogatory, and cheap, form of ammunition. In the world of video games, Yoshi's eggs stand out amongst the rest due to how he obtains them; swallowing up enemies whole with his freakishly long tongue, and excreting them as a freshly compacted, multi-coloured egg! Forget chickens, Yoshi takes only seconds to butt-deliver this super-sized ammo and he can throw them with startling accuracy too. There are no bad eggs here; the only thing cracking would be the enemy on the receiving end of this little dino's shotput.
7:Telekinesis Slam - Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy (PS2)
Offensive psychic powers just had to make it into this list. Telekinesis is definitely the best of the bunch. But why levitate a flammable barrel and throw it at those morons gunning at you, when you can do the exact opposite and feel all the more better? That's right, make those worthless soldiers squeal as you raise them helplessly into the air and hurl them straight into a can of whoop-ass! The mind is a very powerful weapon indeed.
6:Chippunks - Oddworld Stranger's Wrath (XBOX)
They aren't really weapons per se as they don't actually deal damage. What they do do, is hurl insult upon insult to whoever is in their vicinity. These 'live ammo' are shot out of Stranger's multi-purpose crossbow, and can be used to lure enemies into traps and ambushes, or simply to divide and conquer. No-one can ignore a smart-ass chipmunk look-a-like with a foul mouth.
5:Quina's Fork - Final Fantasy IX (PS)
Quina is a 'gourmand' - whatever that is. Apparently he/she likes to cook and eat stuff and he/she always carries along his/her trusty fork along at all times. The simple fork allows him/her to gobble up a wide variety of Final Fantasy critters and learn the secret arts they possess. Whether you're a little cactuar or big-ass behemoth, run away as fast as you can when you hear this gourmand's tummy rumbing.
4:Psychosis Gun - Perfect Dark (N64)
Its puny size may make it look like nothing much, but the Psychosis Gun is not something to be scoffed at. Whoever your enemy is, sneak one shot up their backside and they will become your slave, whether it be to provide covering fire or to be the cover itself! Tip the odds in your favour and make all those who oppose you your new best friends.
3:Traffic Attack - Burnout Revenge (PS2)
The name says it all. Ram your hot-rod right into oncoming traffic and send any car in your way flying through the air to come crashing down on that idiot who thought he could overtake you without consequence! A most satisfying way for vengeance and to fulfil your wildest road rage desires.
2:Maria's Doves - Akumajo Dracula X: Chi no Rondo (TCD)
Oh no! It's Lord Dracula! Somebody save us! Where's that Belmont whippage when you need it? ... Who cares when Maria and her 2nd-day-of-Christmas presents are here to save the day! With a pair of magical doves, this little girl sure packs a wallop; Dracula still hurts from the beating he got from her 100 years ago! Tweet tweet.
1:Sputum Head - Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse (PC)
After amassing enough 'brain power', Stubbs can self-decapitate himself and skilfully bowl this expendable hunk of anatomy into enemy territory, knocking down all those who get in the way, coughing up sputum at nearby locals to convert them into zombies, before finally self-destructing in grand fashion. When in doubt, use your head. Ha! And you thought all zombies could do was just moaning and groaning.
Strange enough for you? You see, guns and swords needn't be your one and only when playing in virtual reality. There is such a diverse arsenal available, I'm sure there's something unconventional out there to suit everyone. Through my many experiences, these are the cream of the crop I've come to treasure. All put together, I'm pretty much loaded for anything thrown at me. Thing is, most of my opponents would probably die from laughter before anything else! Oh well, a win is a win.
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