Growl (Genesis) review
"It’s just another day at the office at the Ranger Corps. You and three of your Indiana Jones-wannabe coworkers are sitting back at the bar, enjoying some good beer and watching the Congo sun slowly descend into the horizon. Somewhere in the middle of this alcoholic fog, a young woman enters the room. She’s tall, blonde, and wearing one of the most crudely drawn suit and skirt sprites you’ve ever seen. But as you can take in her lovely curves and legs that stretch on forever, she utters a scratch..."
It’s just another day at the office at the Ranger Corps. You and three of your Indiana Jones-wannabe coworkers are sitting back at the bar, enjoying some good beer and watching the Congo sun slowly descend into the horizon. Somewhere in the middle of this alcoholic fog, a young woman enters the room. She’s tall, blonde, and wearing one of the most crudely drawn suit and skirt sprites you’ve ever seen. But as you can take in her lovely curves and legs that stretch on forever, she utters a scratchy: “Drop dead, you scum.” and tosses a grenade onto the bar. After the ensuing explosion, you rise from beneath a ruined table and proclaim: “You won’t get away with this.” and charge through the burning rubble and straight at her.
This ***** it going down.
You watch her get into attack stance, probably preparing to drive a kick – complete with her fashionable black heels – into your skull. Accordingly, you march up to her and started pounding her face in. It doesn’t really matter how much you mash the attack button, though; you’ll only be able to produce quick, ineffectual punches and a pathetically awkward kick. The woman on the receiving end, however, doesn’t think you’re weak. After a few horribly repetitive punches to the jaw, she’ll sink to her pantyhose-encased knees and stay prone just long enough for you to deliver a knee to her pixilated nose. The fight won, you look around at the smoldering remains of your beloved bar…and realize that several more of her little animal-poaching friends are waiting to endure their own mind-numbingly dull fights.
But instead of dishing out more of the usual punishment, you dash to the corner of the room and pick up one of the rocket launchers that magically survived the explosion. With four rounds to use, you seek out the nearest Generic Middle Eastern Baddie (because we all know that all African poachers just love wearing brightly colored veils, robes, and turbans) and unleash some fiery mayhem. Don’t be wary of running low on rockets, though; you’ll be able to find handguns, grenades, semi-automatics (which can double as blunt objects, thanks to your manly strength), batons, and whips scattered throughout the jungle. Considering that nearly all of the enemies have the same wooden attack and death animations, you probably won’t feel a shred of remorse as you open up with your varied arsenal and slaughter them by the dozens.
The bloodshed will take you out of the charred ruins of the bar and deep into the heart of the Congo. After littering the local town’s cobblestone streets with corpses, you’ll have to liberate an entire train of its captured livestock, float down the river on a rusty barge, and fight through the lush jungle landscape. While you’ll be constantly surrounded by dozens of veiled thugs, you won’t have to worry much; they tend to mill around you and forget to throw a punch until you’ve sent a fist into their chests. But if you’re faced with some truly daunting odds, you might be saved by the very animals you’re trying to protect. Linen turbans and sexy skirts won’t save your enemies from getting their eyes ripped out by condors. Even your toughest foes can’t withstand an entire herd of deer digging hoofprints into his ass. These guys will learn the hard way why you don’t **** with Mother Nature.
Utterly ridiculous stuff like that aside, Growl isn’t fun. The cheesy plot and terrible dialogue look like they’ve been ripped out of some 80s action movie, but disguised as an environmental awareness notice to kids. There are plenty of weapons to wield, but the utter lack of challenge makes the combat dull. The bland attacks, badly rendered stages, and overly repetitive brawls don’t help things much, either. At least enlisting the help of African wildlife is a little entertaining. Besides, where else are you going to see an elephant demolish a tank?
Community review by disco (August 14, 2007)
Disco is a San Francisco Bay Area native, whose gaming repertoire spans nearly three decades and hundreds of titles. He loves fighting games, traveling the world, learning new things, writing, photography, and tea. Not necessarily in that order.
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