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Deadly Towers (NES) artwork

Deadly Towers (NES) review

"If you're one of those sick individuals who likes to play the worst games of a system and then worship them as if they were great, then Deadly Towers might actually appeal to you."

The first real contact I had with Deadly Towers was with Seanbaby's list of the twenty worst NES games of all-time. My local ''Major Video'' (an old rental store in New England before Blockbuster started dominating local markets) didn't have a copy when I was a younger man, so I had never even heard of it. After reading Seanbaby's scathing review of Deadly Towers, I figured that he was exaggerating a bit, and that the game couldn't possibly be that bad.

He was 100% correct.

Deadly Towers is one of the absolute worst games ever released. It belongs in the trash bin with other NES game such as Heroes of the Lance, Action 52, and the king of all crap games, Hydlide. Deadly Towers manages to be titanically bad on almost every level.

First, the story. You're Prince Meyer, and you must save a princess. Got it? Good. It's a highly original plot, I know, one that has never before been seen, except in around 500 trillion books and roughly 75% of every video game ever released.

Now, although you're Prince Meyer, you have no relation to the great Oscar Meyer, the hot dog guy. I have a feeling that a better NES game could have been made about Oscar Meyer instead of Prince Meyer. ''Control Frank the Weiner as he runs and leaps through stages! Watch him save Queen Salisbury Steak from the clutches of Fry Cook Bratwurst!''

The sad part is that the story is one of the better parts of the game. It just goes further downhill from there. Meyer can walk in all directions, as he lobs a seemingly inexhaustible supply of swords at enemies. It only takes roughly 782 sword thrusts to defeat anything tougher than a blob.

Your life is kept as a number at the top of the screen. Enemy attacks drain much more life than they should. Of course, you can buy upgrades to your life and strength from various stores around the kingdom. You do this by using a common item used as currency which is dropped by enemies. It's called... Ludder.

Ludder has to be one of the worst names I've ever heard for ''money''. It looks suspiciously like a word that had no Japanese-English equivalent, but the developers decided to stick it in anyways. Always a wise decision - include words in a game that make no sense and that will be purposely ridiculed by people. Brilliant.

As previously stated, it takes a really long time to kill enemies, especially when you constantly have to dodge their attacks to make sure you stay alive. There's also pits and other holes all around, which add to the ''cheap factor'' of the game. All of this combines to create a horribly gameplaying experience that can only be surpassed by Hydlide.

I'll talk about the presentation values of Deadly Towers, but only because I'm forced to. The game programmers must not have been aware that you can use more than five colors in a screen for a game; it isn't a political map of the United States. Never before has a game featured such simplistic, plain, and stale graphics. Some CGA games with four colors on twenty year old PC's can beat the graphics shown by Deadly Towers.

Let's not even talk about the sound of Deadly Towers, which consists of one boring, monotonous theme replayed over and over and over again... Please?

If you're one of those sick individuals who likes to play the worst games of a system and then worship them as if they were great, then Deadly Towers might actually appeal to you. In the words of Jim Mora, if you have any reasonable form of intelligence at all, you'll stay away from this steaming pile of diddly poo.

sgreenwell's avatar
Community review by sgreenwell (Date unavailable)

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