Duck Hunt (NES) review
"From the moment that you press down on those aging springs and lock that smooth grey cartridge into the fiendishly designed depths of your Nintendo Entertainment System, youíll surely recognize that you are now Playing With Power."
[Authorís Note: In honor of Duck Huntís completely unexpected inclusion in the new Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, Iíve decided to torture you by dredging up one of my earliest reviews from the bad old days. I am so very, very sorry. Enjoy!]
DANGER! HYPERBOLE AHEAD
Are you actually reading my review for Duck Hunt?
How can you possibly need a review of this game!? I mean, youíve only had thirty [OH, FUCK ME] or so years to play it even if it wasnít packed with your
shiny new system [new lord and master] way back in the 1980s. Come on, it costs 16 cents [$30 complete in the box. If you donít get it in pristine condition, how are you supposed to show it off in your Retrocave and never, ever touch it?] nowadays Ė there are used game shops for this sort of thing [DAMN YOU, EBAY!] Okay, okay; I suppose you can stick around. Donít worry, Iíll think of something halfway interesting to say. Itíll be all right . . . really. Would I lie to you?
Donít answer that.
The Adventure Begins!
From the moment that you press down on those aging springs and lock that smooth grey cartridge into the fiendishly designed depths of your Nintendo Entertainment System, youíll surely recognize that you are now Playing With Power. Actually thereís a pretty good [fucking inevitable] chance that you wonít see much of anything except for a blue screen.
HAVE YOU BEEN BLOWING ON THE CARTRIDGE CONTACTS AGAIN?
Thatís easy enough to remedy; just dab them with a q-tip liberally doused in rubbing alcohol . . . what? Now you see a blinking blue screen? FINE. Open up your console with a 3.8mm security bit and install a new 72 pin connector. Iíll wait. Next melt the 10-NES lockout chip with your trusty curling iron and chuck it in the trash; youíre going to greet the dawn of 8-bit gaming as we know it even if it kills you. [A CRT television would also probably be helpful right about now.]
Assuming you can surmount the outlandishly cruel design of the beloved Toaster, youíll finally arrive at the title screen for our chosen game. And so . . . ON WITH THE REVIEW!
The hunt begins in a small thicket beneath a clear blue sky, its charm completed by a lone tree and Ė wonder of wonders Ė a bush! This never-changing landscapeís graphics are ridiculously simple yet ultimately respectable. I mean theyíre easily recognizable and it wasnít so long ago [Ö] that we had to interpret exactly what the hell we were looking at in video games, so such basic sprites are nothing to scoff at! Your trusty hound sniffs the ground before plunging into the thicket with a series of barks, flushing out the ducks one at a time or in pairs depending on your selected mode. Just picture it: one of the ducks takes flight, your ears filling with the sound of flapping wings and innocent quacks as it peacefully glides across the screen before . . .
Staff review by Sho (November 13, 2014)
Sho enjoys classic video games, black comedy, and poking people until they explode -- figuratively or otherwise. He also writes a bit.
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