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wolfqueen001 Time for a change... I think this sums me up pretty well:

Things tend to turn out well when you worry, so that's probably good. - EmP

I still <333 wolves, though.

Title: I have met your challenge, EmP.
Posted: December 29, 2007 (01:12 PM)
You said five by the end of the year, well here you are! ^_^

Can't say it's any good, though. Hope it's better than my AoE one... Any feedback (from anybody) would be greatly appreciated.

It's had two edits - the one I submitted is the final revision. The original and first draft can be found here. I'm not sure what version is better... I'm thinking the submitted copy, but I'm not sure.

I tried to make this game sound different than the other ones.... Not sure how I did, though.

Also have an issue when making examples in this review. I know I probably shouldn't use the "For example xxx" each time, but I just couldn't think of a way to integrate the example into the review any better...

Anyway, any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.

EmPUser: EmP
Posted: December 29, 2007 (01:14 PM)
It wasn't much of a challange -- I've done five in a week!

wolfqueen001User: wolfqueen001
Posted: December 29, 2007 (01:31 PM)
Yeah, well, you're not bogged down with college work. >.> Also, five is a lot for me. Give me some credit, for Christ's sake! lol >.>

I wish I had as much time to devote to the site as you.

Felix_ArabiaUser: Felix_Arabia
Posted: December 29, 2007 (05:30 PM)
I just read through your official HoM&MV review. Reviewing these types of games is difficult because there is so much to talk about – and that can lead to a very boring, dry review. Yours isn’t dry – it’s moist! It does some things very well. We’ll look at the good stuff first.

I particularly liked how in the intro you compared the choice to using might or magic a dilemma. I liked how you compared Heroes V to its predecessors. These are valid comparisons, and people who like this stuff will appreciate it. Ignorant people who have no knowledge on the series (me) will appreciate it, too.

The review talked about many things, and some of the examples were actually pretty good – like the part where you talk about the skeleton archers.

At the same time, though, since this review covers a lot of material on a game with a lot to talk about, I find the writing rather bland at times. That’s not necessarily your fault. Trying to describe a spectre’s strengths and weaknesses isn’t going to make for the most engaging material. It’s neither emotional nor Promethean – it’s informational. It’s plain, vanilla, whatever you want to call it. The point is that it isn’t engaging.

Here’s the question: are you happy with your review’s current tone? Do you think the informational tambour is the best fit, or are you trying to convey a greater sense of vivacity here? You gave the game a 9/10. I imagine you find it quite enjoyable – even exciting to play. If you want to be vivid and vivacious, you have to convey your feelings toward the game.

It’s one thing to say, for example:

The A.N.G.E.L. submersible is a weak ship that will get destroyed by enemies, thus ending your game

The same idea is conveyed, though much more excitingly, when it’s stated this way:

One final collision from an errant sea critter caused the A.N.G.E.L. to collapse into a smoky implosion. All the progress I had made was in vain as three sea green letters lazily spelled out “fin” on the screen.

I think the 2nd example, which I used in my Deep Blue review, is far more convincing than plainly stating things. That doesn’t mean every single sentence has to be epic or whatever, but you should definitely try making your (least) favorite parts standout. You always want to try to make things sound fresh in your review, and trying to show what goes on in the game in question rather than tell what goes on can make a world of difference.

Varying your words and sentence structure helps, too. I noticed you used words like “game” and “campaign” often. Also, as you pointed out, there were phrases like “for example”. I get into this problem as well, using “for example” or “of course” too much. You’re not alone.

When you find yourself using the same few words or phrases over and over, it’s a good indication that you should try figuring out a different way to convey your idea. Replace “game” with “title”, “installment, the acronym or game title, or “it”.

Does all this stuff make sense?

wolfqueen001User: wolfqueen001
Posted: December 29, 2007 (08:40 PM)
Thanks, Felix! Yes it made sense. It's a lot to keep in mind, though.

Hm... I think I was trying to make it sound interesting/exciting, but I sort of don't always know what that entails, I guess. That's probably why it's interesting in some parts and not so much in others... I tried to keep the "showing not telling" aspect in mind when writing it, but every time I looked through it, I just couldn't point out a problem there; probably because I'm just so new with this kind of writing (though how much longer I can use inexperience as an "excuse" I don't know).

Hm... I almost always have word choice issues... I'm glad you gave some substitutes for "game" there = I tried the thesaurus and almost none of those came up. >.> And considering other examples of word overuse plus the "for example" thing I used too much... I tried to think of ways to re-word that but just couldn't. I'm not sure if it's something that would've changed had I spent even more time on it or if it's just me needing to get used to viewing my own writing as objectively as possible, which is difficult since it's my own writing.

Thanks again for the feedback, though. That example you quoted from your own review helped a lot I think. I'll have to keep that in mind for my next review... especially since I have some difficulty with the "showing" aspect of it. Though the funny thing is... I think I did that pretty well in my Half Life one... I think. Not sure why I'd have more trouble with it here, though... Could just be the game or the style I'm using.

In any case, I think I like this one more than my AoE one... I just wasn't sure how it turned out and such. Might go back and edit later if I can figure out how to make it sound livelier, though part of me sort of tried to refrain from the narrative this time since it wasn't really prevalent in the rest of the review... but maybe I don't need to be narrative to make it sound lively.

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