Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em (Atari 2600) review on HonestGamers

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Review by genj
February 19, 2005

I’m going to have to come out and admit it. Unlike Zig, I’m not a fan of those “gal” games. There’s just something about coupling together sex and video games that seems downright stupid to me. But hey, some of the Atari 2600 porn games are at least good for something. Knight on the Town’s hero having his wang eaten by alligators was hilarious and Custer’s Revenge was kind of playable. Unfortunately Mystique’s Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em doesn’t have any redeeming qualities. Not only is it utter garbage in the gameplay department, but it’s just gross.

It was just like any other day in the city. The air was crisp, the sky was blue, and naked ladies leisurely strolled on the sidewalk. Wait a minute. Naked ladies? That’s not normal at all! So that’s when our main man here runs up to the roof of his apartment building, rips off his clothes, and allows his unrealistically enormous pecker to hang off the ledge. He then begins with great vigor to masturbate rectangular droplets of a rather unhealthy hue of yellow semen.

But you don’t get to control that well-endowed man. Instead using the Atari’s paddle, you’ll have to guide those ladies’ mouths to that duck butter as the dude starts zapping across the roof dropping his seed. Wait, let’s hold on for a minute here. You mean to tell me that two women would randomly want to eat up a total stranger’s jizz? What the fuck were they thinking? Shame on you, Mystique! Somewhere Jesus is looking down at you with hate.

Gobbling down the jizz is mind-numbingly easy at first. The nude man starts out slow to allow our ladies suck it all down. But after about three rounds of tedious semen catching (it’s not a good sign when you’re bored after three rounds), the man goes psycho and starts moving at insane speeds making it impossible to collect all his boys. I think he’s trying to compensate for not exciting them.

But why would anyone want drink all that shit? Well, because in Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em missing just one droplet causes you to lose one of your three lives. Needless to say, the insane difficulty curve will leave you dead all too soon. Then again, maybe that’s a good thing.

So is there really any reason to play this title? Nope, none at all. There’s absolutely nothing funny to point and laugh at. The animated people aren’t in the humorous shade of lavender like in other Atari porn, and the ladies with their mouths wide open ready to collect some jizz is more gross than comical.

If you think Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em is your kind of game, please go consult a shrink right now. In terms of a game, this trash utterly fails thanks to overly simplistic gameplay that gets too hard too fast. It tries to have extra replay by giving the option to play with only one girl, but that just makes things worse. It’s certainly not sexy, nor does it really bring many laughs. If you want a good time with your Atari 2600, look to classics like Asteroids or Missile Command to satisfy your needs. But as for "titillating classics", I'd take Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball over this shit any day. At least Itagaki's vision of "girls in swimsuits" somewhat respects the female form. And there's some gameplay there . . . somewhere.

Rating: 1/10

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Game Profile & Content

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Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em (Atari 2600) game cover art

Staff Score (Avg): 1.0 User Score (Avg): 1.3 Press Score (Avg): N/A
Reviews: 4 Guides: 0 Cheats: 0 Ratings: 2	High Scores: 0 Screenshots: 4 Videos: 0

Title: Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em
Genre: Action
Publisher: Mystique
Developer: Mystique
Release Date: October 13, 1982
ESRB: N/A
Save: N/A

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