Dinosaurs for Hire (Genesis) review on HonestGamers

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Review by R. W.
June 17, 2005

The opening scene of Dinosaurs for Hire left me in stunned silence.

It had nothing to do with the monstrous reptile covered in flowing lava scaling the Hoover Dam, his gigantic claws smashing craters in the concrete as he crawled up the tremendous structure. It had nothing to do with the gushing water inundating the screen, the intimidating glare in this mammoth's steely eyes, the fiery breath unceasingly aimed at the lone ledge I was limited to. It even had nothing to do with the fact I was a miniature, leather jacket adorned T-Rex armed with an Uzi, pumping round after round of neon colored ammunition in this creature's scaly hide.

No, it was what an overlooking Pterodactyl swooped in and told me after this surprisingly short-lived -- but nonetheless unforgettable -- encounter that left me speechless.

Whoa! Slight problem with your Genesis' Blast Processing Unit!

I can't remember if I was more confused or heartbroken at the thought of missing out on this outrageous title, but I was nonetheless distressed. Of all the times for my Genesis to not cooperate, it choose the moment right before the commencement of what looks -- no wait, has -- to be one of the most unique, thrilling run-and-gunners I've ever seen, based on that opening scene alone.

PSYCH!!!

You can almost hear the developers laughing and slapping each other on the back after this gag; Dinosaurs for Hire feels like it was written and designed by a bunch of smart-ass sixth graders ("Hey, let's give the dinosaur some shades!"), but this is merely one of the reasons I love it.

Consider the aforementioned scene just a preface; the REAL game starts now, thrusting the dinosaur of our choosing (Archie the T-Rex, Lorenzo the Triceratops or Reese the Stegosaurus) into not just any gritty metropolis, but the Big Apple itself! Pumping rock beats propel us forward as we ascend the fire escapes of weatherbeaten tenement houses, hoards of ninjas appearing out of nowhere to hurl shurikens and slash at our dinosaur with sharp blades. On the ledges, pyromaniacs wield powerful flamethrowers that set entire platforms ablaze, and once on the rooftops, more of those crafty ninjas will hang-glide in on the attack. You better gather those power-ups now, upgrading that single-stream shooter into an intimidating, havoc-wreaking spread-shot, because soon we’re about to enter the…

SEWERS! How else would a dinosaur get around the city? Taxi? Down in the dank underbelly of New York, New York, structural pillars crumble revealing live underground power lines. Skateboarders come screaming onto the screen, hurling makeshift bombs that look to be made out of tin cans. Army panzers scroll back and forth in the sewer’s channel firing off rounds of three bullets. Giant red cockroaches fall from the ceiling and spit projectiles.

As for why everything has run amok in this city? An absolutely titanic monster that bears a resemblance to Crow from Mystery Science Theater is destroying everything in sight, but more importantly, messing up people’s cable reception! We’ll have to take an elevator ride to the top of the Empire State Building before we can even see eye-to-eye with this colossus, and destroy him limb by limb until he succumbs, all while avoiding his gigantic mace and the electrifying laser beams he shoots from his eyes.

I know it sounds childish, and ridiculous, and you think I’m kidding, but once you see all these nonsensical ideas in action, you’ll marvel at how they somehow manage to work. Forget intricate plot twists and characters with clouded pasts and games that emphasize “unique senses of style;” I can confidently say the guys who made this game just wanted to have fun making a game. Any idea they could come up with, however wacky, was tossed in: combating miniature tanks on the set of a Hollywood movie; destroying ghastly demons that haunt the Hoover Dam; dueling with a humongous action figure inside a toy factory. And why not? When one of your heroes is a triceratops in a Hawaiian shirt, is any right-minded person seriously going to dock your effort for a lack of continuity? Go wild!

All that said, Dinosaurs for Hire is not the defining run-and-gunner of our times. Don't expect a title with the polish, the finesse, the nonstop ball-busting action of Contra: Hard Corps, nor does this offering sport the sheer style and flow of the Metal Slug franchise. Its bosses are enormous cretins armed with more than enough artillery to bring you down, but take a sensible, systematic approach into the battles and you'll handedly stroll to victory (even if our life bar temporarily disappears, replacing suspense with awkward self-consciousness). DFH's cast of heroes may be cosmetically different, but how we tackle each level doesn't vary much from character to character, with just slight differences in shot power and jumping ability separating them. Hell, even the original Contra sported a more diverse supply of weaponry, though what we have here is certainly adequate.

But could you head butt samurais and black wyrms in those titles? No!

Creativity counts. Replace all the full-blown zaniness of Dinosaurs for Hire (note: this process could take a while) with stale alien invaders, drab enemy headquarters and "charismatic" heroes that don't stick out their tongues and thumb their noses in victory celebrations, and you'd be left with mediocrity; the fundamentals here just can't hold their own. But don't ignore, but embrace, the zaniness! The New York City sewers are lined with mounted turrets! Faceless henchmen with rocket boosters strapped to their backs swarm around the Empire State Building! Yes, Reese the Stegosaurus did just flaunt his six-pack in celebration of a second hard fought win against the Hoover Dam heavyweight!

If you've got any of that smart-ass sixth-grader still inside, you'll love Dinosaurs for Hire.

Rating
8	Excellent Most of the elements of this game come together in fine form, meaning it's an experience you won't want to miss.
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Staff Score (Avg): 9.0 User Score (Avg): 8.0 Press Score (Avg): N/A
Reviews: 2 Guides: 0 Cheats: 2 Ratings: 2	High Scores: 0 Screenshots: 4 Videos: 0

Title: Dinosaurs for Hire
Genre: Shooter (Run 'n Gun)
Publisher: SEGA
Developer: Unknown

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Contra: Hard Corps is another Genesis game in the Shooter genre that has been attracting activity lately, so you might want to check it out and see what all of the fuss is about!