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Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
True Lies (SNES)

True Lies review (SNES)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

Considering all the options available these days, there’s no excuse for True Lies to continue existing. Someone should gather the cartridges, bundle them with a two-ton weight and toss them into a massive swimming pool. Then maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can fire a rocket launcher at them, just for good measure. The world would be a better place.
honestgamer's avatar
Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team (SNES)

Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team review (SNES)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

There’s a reason for this irritating flaw, though: Rare wanted you to play with a friend. Though the game lets thugs gang up on you and throw you into an endless circle of punishment, you and a buddy can turn the tables. One of you can be a toad, the other a human. Or maybe you both like characters named after skin ailments. Whatever the case, having a friend along improves the experience.
honestgamer's avatar
Dark Cloud (PlayStation 2)

Dark Cloud review (PS2)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

But the very worst thing about Dark Cloud is that by the time you’ve played enough of the game to realise what a dull experience it is, you’ve invested so many hours into your adventure, that giving up means damning all your work into oblivion. Odds are you’ll just grit your teeth, and carry on.
EmP's avatar
PQ: Practical Intelligence Quotient (PSP)

PQ: Practical Intelligence Quotient review (PSP)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

When opening a review, the writer is supposed to talk about something that's relevant to the subject at hand. A theme must be established and through a series of brief observations, readers should be given a glimpse of what is to come. I am stupid.
midwinter's avatar
The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures (GameCube)

The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures review (GCN)

Reviewed on June 01, 2005

Nintendo's commitment to creative design is clear, but it can be difficult to enjoy when it comes in a form seemingly fathered by the same ruthless pimping that sees Mario crying himself to sleep at nights.
autorock's avatar
Viper V-16 (PC)

Viper V-16 review (PC)

Reviewed on May 30, 2005

Rise follows three young girls, and whether you turn right or left at each of the two junctions determines who (if anyone) gets kidnapped and raped. Squeezed in and around your three in-game choices are some lurid story scenes. My favorite scene is when the two brainwashed women seduce the third girl — every hentai game needs some hot lesbian action!
zigfried's avatar
Metal Slug 4 & 5 (PlayStation 2)

Metal Slug 4 & 5 review (PS2)

Reviewed on May 30, 2005

Metal Slug 5 is certainly worth playing through a couple times for the splendid sightseeing, and once again after that for the stupendous boss battles; as a fraction of a larger compilation, it'd be great. As the saving grace of a $40 "collection" containing only it and the prosaic Metal Slug 4, however, it comes up a bit short.
bluberry's avatar
Sprung (DS)

Sprung review (DS)

Reviewed on May 26, 2005

Sprung is being caught by your mother, jerking off to a lingerie catalogue. Sprung is feeling up your best friend's sister as he walks into the room. Sprung is a terrible, terrible game, and one that's every bit as embarrassing for UBI Soft as it is for players. Flawed in conception, doomed in execution, and about as titillating as a repressed Anglican housewife, the DS's only flirting sim proves to be a massive, if not inevitable, exercise in frustration.
midwinter's avatar
Pepsiman (PlayStation)

Pepsiman review (PSX)

Reviewed on May 23, 2005

The problem is though, how do you turn a popular series of TV advertisements into a half way decent video game? OK, so there's no easy answer. From a purely corporate perspective, you'd probably want to fill such a title with any number of product placements, perhaps even looping the campaign's catchy jingle as well. Right then, check, check and double check, but what of the game itself?
midwinter's avatar
JAST USA Memorial Collection (PC)

JAST USA Memorial Collection review (PC)

Reviewed on May 20, 2005

With its insane dialogue and crazy sex scenes, it's hard not to laugh at "lucky" Hiroaki's adventure. Towards the end, when Runaway City tries to equate charisma with rape, the game crosses the line from slapstick to unintentional hilarity.
fancypants's avatar
Kishin Douji Zenki FX: Vajra Fight (PC-FX)

Kishin Douji Zenki FX: Vajra Fight review (PCFX)

Reviewed on May 15, 2005

When the frog-like demon Razurou zooms by on his personal jet and the fast-paced battle music kicks in, it's hard not to be distracted by the ridiculous number of clouds scrolling through the sky, and that's part of what makes the ensuing battle so dangerous.
zigfried's avatar
The Secret of Monkey Island (PC)

The Secret of Monkey Island review (PC)

Reviewed on May 15, 2005

When you're not sweeping your mouse frantically across the screen searching for any objects you may have missed, you're trying to decode the humorous and engaging puzzles. When the solutions to said puzzles infuriatingly evade you, the laugh-out-loud moments the game throws your way eases your frustration.
EmP's avatar
Friday the 13th (NES)

Friday the 13th review (NES)

Reviewed on May 13, 2005

At first, you’ll be reduced to throwing lowly rocks at a being so untouchable that, according to the films, shotgun blasts don’t even affect him.
dogma's avatar
Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (Arcade)

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs review (ARC)

Reviewed on May 12, 2005

C&D is a monstrous freak, imprisoned in the cage of the side-scrolling beat-em-'up. The difference between this one and its more popular peers is its unrelenting willingness to be absolutely out of its mind. Any boundaries in the odd or hilarious set by Final Fight or Streets of Rage, C&D ignores with reckless abandon. The result is a title made wholly satisfying by its own outrageous spectacle.
dogma's avatar
RalliSport Challenge 2 (Xbox)

RalliSport Challenge 2 review (XBX)

Reviewed on May 11, 2005

With an impressive level of detail, the varied background elements and assorted weather conditions have come together to form an intoxicating rush of eye candy that evenly matches the speed at which players are experiencing it. Whether its the dusty red sands of the Australian Outback, complete with small shanty towns and the occasional windmill, or the lush Autumn colors of a backwoods English lane, players are sure to find themselves constantly lost in the moment.
midwinter's avatar
Giga Wing (Dreamcast)

Giga Wing review (DC)

Reviewed on May 08, 2005

While it’s true that you can hang near the bottom of the screen and weave like nobody’s business, such tactics aren’t nearly as much fun as worming your way right into the thick of things. Take out a foe from a distance and you can gather small icons that drift through the air. Really move in for the kill and as your adversary bursts into flames, massive remnants gravitate toward you and boost your score into the stratosphere.
honestgamer's avatar
Rumble Roses (PlayStation 2)

Rumble Roses review (PS2)

Reviewed on May 08, 2005

The first few notes of Yuka Watanabe's "The Spirit of Hawk" float through the crowded Rumble Roses arena with beauty and grace unbecoming of the Mongolian girl Aigle, a conveniently legal eighteen-year-old who "wants become great warrior like great father". She rides her big brown horse towards the ring, flashing a dignified smile at the crowd as her plump butt bounces up and down.
zigfried's avatar
Do You Like Horny Bunnies? (PC)

Do You Like Horny Bunnies? review (PC)

Reviewed on May 06, 2005

As Yukari finishes up with his chores and the restaurant winds down toward closing time, what will he do? You can have him clean the bathrooms, check the hallway, or just relax. No matter your decision, sex will likely result. Generally, it is preceded by emotional anguish, and the graphical depiction will be accompanied by plenty of bland descriptions of the sex.
honestgamer's avatar
King of the Monsters (NeoGeo)

King of the Monsters review (NEO)

Reviewed on May 06, 2005

The fun you might have been expecting stumbles and falls flat on its toothy face thanks to a sloppy fighting engine that employs a variety of pro wrestling holds – and a seemingly random chance for success.
sho's avatar
Super Off Road (SNES)

Super Off Road review (SNES)

Reviewed on May 05, 2005

Whereas playing alone gets old quickly, it’s hard to tire of the multi-player option. The true fun here comes from consistently finishing just ahead of your human opponent, then talking trash as he can barely afford any upgrades in the garage and you’re busy buying expensive boosts for your motor.
honestgamer's avatar

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