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Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
Little My Maid (PC)

Little My Maid review (PC)

Reviewed on June 10, 2005

Days in Little My Maid pass based on how much stamina you have remaining. This is neat in that it makes you feel like you have more control over the game’s progression, but it’s actually deceptive. Playing around with your exploration options soon reveals that you can only wander the slightest bit from the beaten path before you hit a dead end and have to get back to your main form of amusement: sex with your hosts.
honestgamer's avatar
Monster Party (NES)

Monster Party review (NES)

Reviewed on June 09, 2005

There’s just something about this game – maybe it’s the unhappy looking skeletons bathed in an ocean of blood, I don’t know – that tells me Nintendo didn’t screen it for potentially offensive content quite as thoroughly as they normally do.
sho's avatar
Zillion (Sega Master System)

Zillion review (SMS)

Reviewed on June 08, 2005

Even though the game's based on Japan's version of Lazer Tag, THIS IS NOT A LIGHT GUN GAME. It's something far more stimulating: a multi-character stealth action puzzle shooting game. If that isn't clear enough, put on your Crazy Comparison Hat and imagine a cross between Metal Gear, Zelda, Valis III, and Concentration.
zigfried's avatar
Techno Cop (Genesis)

Techno Cop review (GEN)

Reviewed on June 07, 2005

It’s as if the programmers realized the sum of their efforts was barely playable and that no one would ever persevere to the end; feeble developers, I salute your painful honesty.
sho's avatar
Operation Wolf (Arcade)

Operation Wolf review (ARC)

Reviewed on June 07, 2005

Enter your location of choice, and you’ll have no time to get acquainted with the serviceable backdrops that signify your surroundings because, with little reasoning behind it, hoards of gun-toting thugs will spring forth from the wilderness or rudimentary huts, unleashing upon you a furious bombardment of artillery.
EmP's avatar
Streets of Rage 2 (Genesis)

Streets of Rage 2 review (GEN)

Reviewed on June 07, 2005

Streets of Rage 2 is, apparently, one of the most beloved Sega Genesis titles ever created – rarely have I found so much near-unanimous gushing praise for a side-scrolling beat-‘em-up. I’ve read more than once that this is the best brawler of its generation. The problem: I don’t see it.
dogma's avatar
Serious Sam:  The First Encounter (PC)

Serious Sam: The First Encounter review (PC)

Reviewed on June 06, 2005

If a shooter's DNA is in its enemies, then The First Encounter is an impossible monstrosity, all bones and steel and slime, standing ten stories high. Dumb and furious, it hurls anything it can and charges, unconcerned for itself. Why should it be? If it goes down, a million more will follow...
autorock's avatar
Mobile Light Force 2 (PlayStation 2)

Mobile Light Force 2 review (PS2)

Reviewed on June 05, 2005

Having played the game, I know now that I could have done very well without experiencing MLF2, thank you very much. Aside from its corny cover, and the fact that the Mobile Light Force acronym can be sounded out as “milf”; there’s very little special about this game. It’s a port of the arguably unspecial Shikigami, from Alpha System. (Not to be confused with the first MLF–on the PlayStation–which is a port of Gunbird, from Psikyo. Don’t ask me…)
Masters's avatar
Stolen (PlayStation 2)

Stolen review (PS2)

Reviewed on June 04, 2005

Stolen is a stealth title featuring a sexy female thief, and in a world dominated by ultra-cool and macho Solid Snake types, the black leather clad Anya Romanov (think Underworld) is a welcome as well as delicious sight.
Masters's avatar
Neon Genesis Evangelion (Nintendo 64)

Neon Genesis Evangelion review (N64)

Reviewed on June 03, 2005

Based on the hit anime series of the same name, Neon Genesis Evangelion for the Nintendo 64 would initially appear to be what every Eva fan could ever want: a stunningly realized action game, featuring more giant robot action than you could possibly shake a Progressive Knife at.
midwinter's avatar
True Lies (SNES)

True Lies review (SNES)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

Considering all the options available these days, there’s no excuse for True Lies to continue existing. Someone should gather the cartridges, bundle them with a two-ton weight and toss them into a massive swimming pool. Then maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can fire a rocket launcher at them, just for good measure. The world would be a better place.
honestgamer's avatar
Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team (SNES)

Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team review (SNES)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

There’s a reason for this irritating flaw, though: Rare wanted you to play with a friend. Though the game lets thugs gang up on you and throw you into an endless circle of punishment, you and a buddy can turn the tables. One of you can be a toad, the other a human. Or maybe you both like characters named after skin ailments. Whatever the case, having a friend along improves the experience.
honestgamer's avatar
Dark Cloud (PlayStation 2)

Dark Cloud review (PS2)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

But the very worst thing about Dark Cloud is that by the time you’ve played enough of the game to realise what a dull experience it is, you’ve invested so many hours into your adventure, that giving up means damning all your work into oblivion. Odds are you’ll just grit your teeth, and carry on.
EmP's avatar
PQ: Practical Intelligence Quotient (PSP)

PQ: Practical Intelligence Quotient review (PSP)

Reviewed on June 02, 2005

When opening a review, the writer is supposed to talk about something that's relevant to the subject at hand. A theme must be established and through a series of brief observations, readers should be given a glimpse of what is to come. I am stupid.
midwinter's avatar
The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures (GameCube)

The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures review (GCN)

Reviewed on June 01, 2005

Nintendo's commitment to creative design is clear, but it can be difficult to enjoy when it comes in a form seemingly fathered by the same ruthless pimping that sees Mario crying himself to sleep at nights.
autorock's avatar
Viper V-16 (PC)

Viper V-16 review (PC)

Reviewed on May 30, 2005

Rise follows three young girls, and whether you turn right or left at each of the two junctions determines who (if anyone) gets kidnapped and raped. Squeezed in and around your three in-game choices are some lurid story scenes. My favorite scene is when the two brainwashed women seduce the third girl — every hentai game needs some hot lesbian action!
zigfried's avatar
Metal Slug 4 & 5 (PlayStation 2)

Metal Slug 4 & 5 review (PS2)

Reviewed on May 30, 2005

Metal Slug 5 is certainly worth playing through a couple times for the splendid sightseeing, and once again after that for the stupendous boss battles; as a fraction of a larger compilation, it'd be great. As the saving grace of a $40 "collection" containing only it and the prosaic Metal Slug 4, however, it comes up a bit short.
bluberry's avatar
Sprung (DS)

Sprung review (DS)

Reviewed on May 26, 2005

Sprung is being caught by your mother, jerking off to a lingerie catalogue. Sprung is feeling up your best friend's sister as he walks into the room. Sprung is a terrible, terrible game, and one that's every bit as embarrassing for UBI Soft as it is for players. Flawed in conception, doomed in execution, and about as titillating as a repressed Anglican housewife, the DS's only flirting sim proves to be a massive, if not inevitable, exercise in frustration.
midwinter's avatar
Pepsiman (PlayStation)

Pepsiman review (PSX)

Reviewed on May 23, 2005

The problem is though, how do you turn a popular series of TV advertisements into a half way decent video game? OK, so there's no easy answer. From a purely corporate perspective, you'd probably want to fill such a title with any number of product placements, perhaps even looping the campaign's catchy jingle as well. Right then, check, check and double check, but what of the game itself?
midwinter's avatar
JAST USA Memorial Collection (PC)

JAST USA Memorial Collection review (PC)

Reviewed on May 20, 2005

With its insane dialogue and crazy sex scenes, it's hard not to laugh at "lucky" Hiroaki's adventure. Towards the end, when Runaway City tries to equate charisma with rape, the game crosses the line from slapstick to unintentional hilarity.
fancypants's avatar

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