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Review Archives (All Reviews)

You are currently looking through all reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by johnny_cairo and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
Fallout 3 (Xbox 360)

Fallout 3 review (X360)

Reviewed on December 30, 2008

War. War never changes.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (PlayStation 2)

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty review (PS2)

Reviewed on July 27, 2008

The agonizing ride on the blue-ball express known as Metal Gear Solid is but a mere leg of the epic, despair-inducing journey of Metal Gear Solid 2. To be fair, MGS at least had an intelligible storyline and characters who did not randomly disappear and reappear under idiotic assumed names. Its sequel abandons any pretense of predictability once the prologue is over and then consumes itself whole Ouroboros-style. What we have left is an interactive artistic meltdown that is ...
Assassin's Creed (Xbox 360)

Assassin's Creed review (X360)

Reviewed on February 20, 2008

At long last, a medieval Grand Theft Auto crossed with Virtuosity with a whole lot of Hashishism and no small amount of heinous Arabic stereotypes. To be fair, Ubisoft Montreal consists of many people of differing beliefs and opinions, so there is no doubt the handful of Christian characters are also uptight, militant arseholes. Yes, it's the Middle East during the Crusades, the glorious 12th century AD. Even in the heart of Mesopotamia, everyone speaks in the tongue of the heretic...
Yo! Noid (NES)

Yo! Noid review (NES)

Reviewed on December 21, 2007

No One Lives Forever (PC)

No One Lives Forever review (PC)

Reviewed on November 04, 2007

Austin Powers might have been responsible for some good things, such as No One Lives Forever, a unique FPS that took the kitschy 60s aesthetic and blue humor and went for broke. After the dippy opening credits, complete with psychedelic light show and vocal theme music, we see heroine Cate Archer negotiating the hallways of UNITY HQ in a sinfully short bright orange miniskirt. She's out of her element before she even arrives in the office of Mr. Smith for her daily tongue-lashing. ...
Pathways Into Darkness (Mac)

Pathways Into Darkness review (MAC)

Reviewed on August 24, 2007

Bungie came from humble beginnings, debuting with a Pong clone in 1985, maturing in 1993 with Pathways Into Darkness, a rather grim RPG/Adventure hybrid featuring graphics rendered from a first-person POV. Technically it was their first "shooter", although shooting takes a backseat to frustrating puzzles and frequent deaths. You're an American Spec Ops paratrooper in a unit inserted deep into the Yucatan jungle. Your chute does not deploy and you fall to earth separated from your s...
Achtung! Spitfire (PC)

Achtung! Spitfire review (PC)

Reviewed on August 15, 2007

Avalon Hill's Achtung! Spitfire is a rare game in more than one way. The world-reknowned board game publisher, having produced excellent offerings ranging from a simulation of the airline business to art thievery, came up with this realistic depiction of World War II dogfighting. Apt, then, that it's based on a board game that's older than most people reading this. The formula is perfect: each turn depicts roughly two seconds of intense aerial combat. Missions range from protecting a flee...
Barney's Hide and Seek (Genesis)

Barney's Hide and Seek review (GEN)

Reviewed on July 31, 2007

Barney is enough to convince most people that dinosaurs went extinct for a very good reason. This pacifistic mass of purple and green foam was invented solely to entertain developing children not yet sophisticated enough to speak or eat with a closed mouth. We were all once like that, but even now I can recall never being inclined towards this goofy-voiced Tyrannosaurus Rex bursting with love, even at an age when one isn't expected to have discriminating tastes. My Kindergarten classmates...
Medal of Honor: Frontline (PlayStation 2)

Medal of Honor: Frontline review (PS2)

Reviewed on July 25, 2007

For the love of Goebbels, EA, I get it already. Saving Private Ryan was a milestone in film. This does not make it a template for all your subsequent World War II games to follow to the letter. What else should we attribute the big, loud, overlong battle sequences to, if not the defining vision of WWII for this generation? The influence of popular cinema on the Medal of Honor developers is essentially helping to ruin a franchise that was once so full of promise, any original ideas ...
Medal of Honor Underground (PlayStation)

Medal of Honor Underground review (PSX)

Reviewed on July 25, 2007

May 1940. Hitler has moved his Nazi war machine into France after a hasty surrender. Flanked by Goebbels, they watch gleefully as a formation of SS goose-steps down the Champs-Élysées. The Arc de Triomphe looms in the background. Standing for a photo opportunity, the Nazi leaders pose before the Eiffel Tower. Surely this black-and-white film will motivate troops fighting abroad, poised to lunge into the vast Eastern Front. The Thir...
Metal Gear Solid (Game Boy Color)

Metal Gear Solid review (GBC)

Reviewed on July 16, 2007

Treating Metal Gear Solid as an unchangable work of art probably wasn't the most intelligent thing Konami could have done with this 8-bit re-imagining. Its story is almost an exact retelling only with different character names and a less snowy climate, while its gameplay is quite faithful to the terrible standard set by the original. There's even VR training like you would find on the PSX incarnation. A drastically stripped down version, anyhow, but they get their two points for trying. I...
Syphon Filter (PlayStation)

Syphon Filter review (PSX)

Reviewed on July 14, 2007

In the spring of 1999, following the milky virtual explosion known as Metal Gear Solid, Sony had their precisely engineered follow-up with a similarly nonsensical title: Syphon Filter. Part Tomb Raider, part GoldenEye, wholly derivative; a "syphon filter" is not something you use when stealing gas out of your neighbor's SUV, but rather a fictional supervirus that makes ethnic cleansing as easy as A-B-C. A worthwhile thing for terrorists to steal, for sure, which is wh...
Metal Gear Solid (PlayStation)

Metal Gear Solid review (PSX)

Reviewed on July 06, 2007

This alleged PSX "classic" has been ravaged by the years, made totally irrelevant in less than a decade. Even when Metal Gear Solid first hit, consensus was it was "too easy" and contained "too little gameplay"; even though either of those things could kill your garden-variety stealth adventure, most of the overwhelming praise was directed towards its storytelling, rather than actual content. Leave it to rock star game designer Hideo Kojima to make the first interactive spy/romance...
Final Fantasy Tactics (PlayStation)

Final Fantasy Tactics review (PSX)

Reviewed on July 03, 2007

It is hard to remember any games that rival Final Fantasy Tactics in longevity, depth, and dare I say beauty. Obviously this is nothing more than a piece of software, but it is a pure fusion of RPG and strategy, combining the best aspects of both and enhanced by (although not in service of) one of the most elaborate and intrigue-filled stories ever concieved in any medium. The unique magical kingdom of Ivalice combines a medieval aesthetic with a bestiary bursting with all sorts of twiste...
Time Killers (Genesis)

Time Killers review (GEN)

Reviewed on June 30, 2007

The foulness of Time Killers is legendary, but only in the form of its woefully belated Genesis port. The version which hit arcades in 1992 was a direct and pretty sleazy response to Mortal Kombat; Strata's only strategy was to feature more dismemberments and 16-bit gore fountains than Midway's seminal fighting opus. Instead of digitized actors, it used a homey hand-made approach which made it a little more disturbing. While it wasn't too much of a looker, the sprites and backgroun...
Coryoon (TurboGrafx-16)

Coryoon review (TG16)

Reviewed on June 22, 2007

Shooters are often characterised as incredibly hard, intense games so it's only natural that someone in Japan had the brilliant idea of making a pure shooter aimed squarely at kids. Behold Coryoon: Child of Dragon, the garishly cute product of that idea. Surprisingly enough, it all works well enough that any kid could pick it up and have a blast... until they die. And die. And die again. This sporadically brilliant game is nearly killed by its one major flaw.
F-15 Strike Eagle II (Genesis)

F-15 Strike Eagle II review (GEN)

Reviewed on June 20, 2007

The Cold War is over, America having triumphed over the hypothetical Russian threat. Our military technology won out over what the Communists tried to call an "air force". As a downside to that, lots of cheap USSR military surplus became available to neighboring regions, such as the newly formed and conflicted Eastern Bloc territories and further into the Middle East, a mecca for terrorism. In short, the region has not yet been fully stabilized. Enter you, The Destabilizer, in your pimpin' F-15 ...
Gears of War (Xbox 360)

Gears of War review (X360)

Reviewed on June 03, 2007

Upon its explosive debut on Microsoft's next-gen console, Gears of War was almost universally lauded as a classic of its genre, the "killer app" for the 360. Its lineage is certainly impressive, with Epic having previously done the immortal FPS Unreal Tournament -- which still remains just as stunning and addictive almost a decade after its release -- before tackling the tactical shooter with Gears. Visually it's a masterpiece, an impossibly beautiful piece of technical wiza...
The Punisher (NES)

The Punisher review (NES)

Reviewed on May 27, 2007

"A hitman is just another fighter waiting for The Punisher's knockout punch," says the titular hero, strangely referring to himself in the third person like one of his many eccentric nemises. This would seem to indicate right away that LJN, notorious for exclusively developing horrible licenced titles, is conducting business as usual, this time on Marvel Comics' vigilante demi-god. It's clear they just don't get much out of the material, other than "shoot criminals", just like the makers of Dolp...
The History Channel: Civil War (Xbox 360)

The History Channel: Civil War review (X360)

Reviewed on May 16, 2007

During the rare occasions when the History Channel isn't airing something related to Nazis, they will cover this dark chapter in our nation's formative years. The Civil War! A conflict waged by men able to fire muskets accurately from hundreds of yards away, reload in a flash, and single-handedly decimate companies of weaker soldiers with awesome skill. In other words, here's the most intense combat of the 1860s rendered with the Call of Duty engine. Yes, it's every bit as snooze-inducing...

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