Review Archives (All Reviews)

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Available Reviews
	Splatterhouse 2 review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 In the first game, Rick's girlfriend Jennifer was spirited away from his underdeveloped arms right before his pimply face, creamy with bursting whiteheads. The Hell Mask appeared to provide delicious two-fold resolution. He donned the evil, false visage and it took hold of him, charging teenage bone, sinew and muscle, until a fearless full grown murderer of the undead was forged (plus, it hid his acne).
	Sonic the Hedgehog review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 The fast and the furious Green Hill Zone. Barreling over bright green hills, digging your heels in as you race through lush valleys of green, leaping for coins and coming back down to green earth - this is what the entire game should have been about. Sad that the heights of enjoyment should be reached in Sonic’s first mission, sad that gamers should be teased so cruelly, as the roaring velocity of his run, (increased even more with the special speedy shoe icon, and even more while Sonic spins) comes to an abrupt halt with the conclusion of the zone, never to reach such intensity again.
	Chip's Challenge review (PC) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 Crammed inside the miniature mysteries of Microsoft's pack-in puzzler Chip's Challenge is a larger conundrum that bears worth pondering. What kind of game is this, really, and who is it for? It's easy to picture people who normally are puzzle game fans becoming bored of it quite easily, but then again, who's to say they won't try and keep on keepin' on through all 144 levels of this 16-color riddle? What starts as a simple game to waste your time may evolve into a ruthless slave driver who deriv...
	Sol-Deace review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 So now you have three streams of fire, one from the core, and one from each arm of the ship. You can get the arms to fire at different angles by moving the core forward and back. This is quite cool! Take note, nonbelievers! Sometimes, I have the core firing forward, the top arm firing 30 degrees up and forward, and the bottom arm firing 45 degrees down and forward! This allows for GOOD SCREEN COVERAGE.
	Shadow Dancer: The Secret of Shinobi review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 I don't think our hard-ass hero, Joe Musashi, would be pleased with the name of this adventure: ''I know it's a stealth thing, but it sounds so...fruity!'' Regrettably, Joe did not have much say in naming the game, so the title stood. Shadow Dancer (snicker) is the side-scrolling, shuriken-shooting, arcade follow up to Shinobi. However, it was released for the Genesis after the console-only Revenge of Shinobi, and that is partly responsible for gamers not giving it its due. After all, it's hard to follow a class act like RoS - especially when in many ways, Shadow Dancer is a step backward.
	Rocket Knight Adventures review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 An esteemed colleague of mine - the legendary Honestgamers reviewer Jason Owens - urged me to try out Rocket Knight Adventures for the longest time. He was relentless. He pushed my buttons, prodded me with intrusive interrogations centered on my monthly game allowance. Little did he know that his gushing hyperbole for the game had convinced me to buy it long before his friendly suggestions became goading barbs, terrible threats, and angry emoticons (e.g.: >8^O).
	Midway Arcade Treasures review (PS2) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 Some of my all-time favorite arcade games are here. While a few of Midway's more popular titles are missing, most of those are too new to fit nicely on what is essentially a compilation of retro titles. The newest of the lot, I believe, is Smash TV. For some reason, though, one of my very favorite games ever made, Moon Patrol, got the boot and does not appear here.
	Ristar review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 I don’t profess to being Hannibal Lecter, or anything close to his ilk, but due in no small part to this game, I too seem to have reached the lowest levels of adult human depravity. Witness this scene: I, a grown man, observe three young children at play, shiny black controller in the hand of one, while the other two shout instructions above the rollicking din. I enter the fray, and notice the red light on the hot black console resting on a dusty shelf adjacent the television. The large TV screen flashes brilliantly; could it be a Disney movie on, and the children are only feigning to play at this Ristar?
	Tyrants: Fight Through Time review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 Mega-Lo-Mania: A psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence.
	The Revenge of Shinobi review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 Be careful. This game is often called a classic, and perhaps rightfully so. But don’t expect it to be the perfect, quintessential 2D action adventure platform game - it’s not. There are two flaws that prevent its ascendancy into the lofty realm of perfection as we know it: Joe has a bad back. Joe has bad knees.
	Rastan Saga II review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 A mysterious edifice known as ''Skyscraper'' controls the land of Rastania somehow. An evil contingent has moved in and taken over the Skyscraper by force. A brave savage must turn the tide! I couldn't make this up if I wanted to, believe me. Doubt the authenticity of this nonsense? Never fear, Taito has laced the game with more than its fair share of kitsch gibberish in the brooding screens between levels.
	Phelios review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 Phelios casts you as Apollo, and your mission is to rescue your girl (yawn) from the dreaded despot (snore) who, incidentally, could pass for a hooded, red-eyed version of Cobra Commander. Anyway, Typhon’s got your fair lady tied up (that kinky bastard - why didn’t you think of that?) and apparently when she got a glimpse of what he was dating before (Medusa), Artemis turned to stone. Right then.
	OutRun review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 OutRun was brought home to the Genesis from its cool, comfortable arcade cabinet that featured a steering wheel, shifter, and pedals. When Sega failed to pack these items in with the cartridge (how hard can it be?), thus stripped of the novelty, the fun factor hit a signpost and rolled over.
	Gunstar Heroes review (GEN) Reviewed on December 20, 2003 Gunstar Heroes was Treasure’s coming out party. Who’s Treasure? Easy. The giant hit-maker known as Konami - responsible for such massively popular game franchises as Metal Gear and Castlevania - had one particularly talented sector of their team jump ship, ostensibly tired of the 'same old, same old' routine of sequels, and the equally mundane practice of applying new lacquer to dusty old floors. These admirable folks became Treasure. And Gunstar Heroes became their first game.
	The Legend of Zelda: Collector's Edition review (GCN) Reviewed on December 19, 2003 Nintendo didn't make any noteworthy changes. Those expecting visual improvements may be disappointed, especially after the stellar job Nintendo did with Super Mario All-Stars so long ago, but the lack of modifications really isn't so awful as one might imagine. Pixel by pixel, things are precisely as you may remember them.
	Earnest Evans review (GEN) Reviewed on December 19, 2003 In a misguided attempt at fluidity, developers Wolf Team have gone too far, raising up a horrible amalgamation of loosely fitted sprite skin over a sentient gelatin skeleton. Each limb, digit, and joint of Earnest's lanky form oozes seemingly independently of the whole. Truly he is one of the most uniquely animated characters in gaming history - and that’s not a good thing.
	Castlevania: Bloodlines review (GEN) Reviewed on December 19, 2003 Lecarde is by far the better character, and playing with him makes for a much more enjoyable journey due in part to his wider array of moves, and also in part to the easier, smoother gameplay that results from him knowing them. However, sometimes you might get the odd feeling that you’re not being true to Castlevania by using this character (in much the same way that the sword-wielding Alucard feels so singular in your employ in Symphony of the Night), so I reluctantly choose the steroid-abusing Morris, if only to hear his whip crack once more (ahem!).
	Double Dragon review (GEN) Reviewed on December 19, 2003
	Castle of Illusion starring Mickey Mouse review (GEN) Reviewed on December 19, 2003
	Cadash review (GEN) Reviewed on December 19, 2003 Beyond that, you may speak to dull-witted townspeople who offer obvious clues, do not learn after major storyline changes, and who manage their cliched constitutional within five stride limitations. They’ve got nothing to do, and nowhere to go, and as is often the case, there are not enough buildings to accommodate all the day walkers when night comes--which of course, it never does.

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