Review Archives (All Reviews)

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Available Reviews
	Jade Empire review (XBX) Reviewed on May 31, 2005 I've only played two Bioware games: Jade Empire and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I'm already convinced that Bioware is a lazy or maybe just complacent group of game designers. Guys, you clearly know what you're doing, and I'm not advocating an EA-style 100 work week, but maybe the next time around you should spend a couple of extra Saturdays in the office polishing your product?
	Viper V-16 review (PC) Reviewed on May 30, 2005 Rise follows three young girls, and whether you turn right or left at each of the two junctions determines who (if anyone) gets kidnapped and raped. Squeezed in and around your three in-game choices are some lurid story scenes. My favorite scene is when the two brainwashed women seduce the third girl — every hentai game needs some hot lesbian action!
	Metal Slug 4 & 5 review (PS2) Reviewed on May 30, 2005 Metal Slug 5 is certainly worth playing through a couple times for the splendid sightseeing, and once again after that for the stupendous boss battles; as a fraction of a larger compilation, it'd be great. As the saving grace of a $40 "collection" containing only it and the prosaic Metal Slug 4, however, it comes up a bit short.
	Lord of the Rings: The Third Age review (GBA) Reviewed on May 30, 2005 LotR games have been hitting the various consoles lately, and every time a GBA companion game was released as well. While The Two Towers and Return of the King got Diablo-ish hack & slash companion games on the GBA, The Third Age opts to be a tactics RPG instead; a solid choice as this kind of game works really well for the "pick up and play for a bit" attitude that often accompanies handheld gaming. While it's not the best of its kind to be released on the GBA, and it has trouble with some of t...
	Zone of the Enders: The Fist of Mars review (GBA) Reviewed on May 28, 2005 When one thinks of Japanese culture, they’re most likely to think of four things; anime and manga, giant mechs, video games, and pop (no, not the carbonated beverage). When you combine the former two, you get top-notch shows such as Gundam Wing or Evangelion. When you combine the first three, you get many notable games and series, with the most recent big-name series being that of Hideo Kojima's Zone of the Enders. In Zone of the Enders, humankind has advanced beyond ...
	Ninja Gaiden review (XBX) Reviewed on May 26, 2005 Ninja Gaiden is a superior piece of software. It resembles nothing so much as an exquisitely engineered piece of machinery, and that's both Ninja Gaiden's majesty and its weakness: it works so exquisitely, but it often feels more like a collection of well-oiled parts than a videogame.
	Devil May Cry 2 review (PS2) Reviewed on May 26, 2005 Super Mario Bros. is the first videogame I ever played, and I loved it. I’ve conquered other electronic worlds, but you always remember your first time. Mine happened to be with the seminal effort that turned the slumping mid-80s gaming scene on its head.
	The Punisher review (XBX) Reviewed on May 26, 2005 The last time Frank Castle was in the video game limelight was in 1993; he and Nick Fury beat the crap out of countless thugs and finally brought down Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin. It was one of Capcom’s finest work and an easy arcade classic that captured the gritty world of the Punisher well, without having to resort to over the top violence.
	Sprung: A Game Where Everyone Scores review (DS) Reviewed on May 26, 2005 Sprung is being caught by your mother, jerking off to a lingerie catalogue. Sprung is feeling up your best friend's sister as he walks into the room. Sprung is a terrible, terrible game, and one that's every bit as embarrassing for UBI Soft as it is for players. Flawed in conception, doomed in execution, and about as titillating as a repressed Anglican housewife, the DS's only flirting sim proves to be a massive, if not inevitable, exercise in frustration.
	Dragon Force review (SAT) Reviewed on May 23, 2005 Sequels can be a mess and remakes can teeter on the edge of a needle between outstanding and horrific. While I’m adamant about never begging for anything, I surely wouldn’t be opposed to send a request letter Sega’s way asking them for a re-introduced version of Dragon Force. Of what few epics the Saturn actually produced—most of them being Roleplaying/Strategy games—Dragon Force is the only one that, in my opinion, could go head to head with Shining Force and hold its own. Coming from me that’s...
	Pepsiman review (PSX) Reviewed on May 22, 2005 The problem is though, how do you turn a popular series of TV advertisements into a half way decent video game? OK, so there's no easy answer. From a purely corporate perspective, you'd probably want to fill such a title with any number of product placements, perhaps even looping the campaign's catchy jingle as well. Right then, check, check and double check, but what of the game itself?
	Mortal Kombat II review (GB) Reviewed on May 22, 2005 Much like its console counterparts, the Gameboy version of Mortal Kombat II improves on pretty much everything the first did. However, Acclaim wouldn't be Acclaim until they go completely blind and look past two very distinct problems. The engine isn't too thrilling, either.
	Max Payne review (MAC) Reviewed on May 21, 2005 The pallid light bursting from my Macintosh was the only thing my burning eyes were registering at this ungodly hour. It was 4 AM. This time belonged to the street urchins, the disease flowing through the bloodstream of this audibly dying monument to good old American ingenuity, know-how, and monstrous excess. It made my head spin just thinking about all the pests I had exterminated the past few days, with the help of two friends I kept very close to my side. In thigh holsters to be precise. The...
	Mickey's Ultimate Challenge review (GEN) Reviewed on May 21, 2005 The Kingdom of Beanwick is in turmoil! The sky is rumbling and no one knows why. Could this be the end of the world?! While the citizens are too busy not caring, Mickey and Minnie try to get to the bottom of this by going through a number of simple-minded puzzles. Only then will they be able to face Mickey's Ultimate Challenge (what? Minnie's name is absent from the title? I smell discrimination!): another puzzle!
	May Club review (PC) Reviewed on May 21, 2005 Hajime Kudo is a glass half-empty kind of guy. He’s just graduated from university and already landed a decent job, so it seems he’s on his way to enjoying a carefree bachelor lifestyle. But that’s precisely the problem. Convinced that beginning his career without a companion will doom him to eternal solitude, Hajime resolves to spend the totality of the next month and a half on one singular activity: finding a girlfriend. He will not eat. He will not bathe. He will not be merry until meet...
	JAST USA Memorial Collection review (PC) Reviewed on May 20, 2005 With its insane dialogue and crazy sex scenes, it's hard not to laugh at "lucky" Hiroaki's adventure. Towards the end, when Runaway City tries to equate charisma with rape, the game crosses the line from slapstick to unintentional hilarity.
	God of War review (PS2) Reviewed on May 20, 2005 God of War is a game that channels the pitiless wrath of ancient Greek gods and warriors. The ads ominously proclaim that “a new myth will be written in the blood of the old,” and I’ll be damned if the designers of this game haven’t gone out and done just that.
	Ten Pin Alley review (PSX) Reviewed on May 20, 2005 Let’s just admit—right now—that we don’t play sports games for the story. While some elements of an intriguing nature could be placed into some of the bigger genres, even Solid Snake couldn’t add any plot to a bowling game. While that’s known and accepted, we instead try our hands for the entertainment and the realism of a sports game—even if it is bowling. If this is a well known fact—that the more realistic and down to earth a sports game is the better—then someone needs to tell ASC the makers...
	Metal Gear Solid review (PSX) Reviewed on May 18, 2005 Near the end of Metal Gear Solid, Liquid Snake, the terrorist leader who's (deep breath now) using a captured secret nuclear-armed prototype mech to blackmail the U.S. government into, among other things, sending over the remains of his father (AKA "Big Boss") to be used to repair the DNA of his army of clones and achieve his father's dream of an impregnable fortress from which to begin world domination (whew!), describes his plot to retrieve his father's remains as an example of the "sel...
	Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance review (PS2) Reviewed on May 18, 2005 Oh, it starts out promising. Chat with a barmaid with toned abs and silicone implants (good implants, mind you), and then take a giant-rat-killing job in the town sewers to get back at the thieves who robbed me of every last coin? Sign me up! And wow, Tolkien-land never looked this good! I've seen malls that weren't as clean as these sewers! And great Caesar's ghost! the water in this game flows and ripples and splishes and splashes just like the water in my bathtub does! PlayStati...

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