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Review Archives (All Reviews)

You are currently looking through all reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by Masters and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
Wings of Wor (Genesis)

Wings of Wor review (GEN)

Reviewed on April 12, 2004

Welcome Wor. Brace up, you've got a nasty business ahead to be sure. Six levels of side-scrolling shooting action await you. Spread your ethereal wings and steel your warrior's heart, because this Genesis mission offers up more sheer bullet count -- more grotesquerie -- than you'll likely be prepared for.
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (GameCube)

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers review (GCN)

Reviewed on April 08, 2004

The trouble with The Two Towers, which chronicles the middle chapter (beginning with Frodo still in the care of The Fellowship) of the series, is that it pays so much obvious loving attention to the movie it is borne of, that the gameplay elements seem an afterthought, left under-ripe and wholly unsatisfying. Powerful cinematic moments such as The Battle at Helm's Deep are reduced to novelty, superfluous small screen re-enactments followed up rather clumsily by limited, repetitive Golden Axe-esque gameplay. You'll remember Golden Axe? Perhaps not -- it's a very old game. It featured three characters: one fast, one strong, and one in-between. And so, meet Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn.
Disney/Pixar Finding Nemo (GameCube)

Disney/Pixar Finding Nemo review (GCN)

Reviewed on April 07, 2004

Finding Nemo alternates between being boring and bad. Lest you conclude simply that I was not the intended target market, consider two things: firstly, the movie managed the enviable task of capturing the attention and imaginations of children and adults alike. And secondly, my young nephew was as bored with the proceedings as I was, turning quickly to his Gameboy Advance to play some of his old games. Kids like new. Finding Nemo's inability to engage cannot be understated.
Hellfire (Genesis)

Hellfire review (GEN)

Reviewed on April 03, 2004

This review has big plans. It tells me it wants to be the most useful review I’ve written so far. I’ve written some pretty ones, and some gushy ones, and a good share of tripe, along with the odd nostalgic recollection. But never something this entirely useful. Because let’s face it: the only way you’ll even give Hellfire a second glance even at the miniscule prices it will sell for at a pawn shop, is if you’re a hardcore horizontal shooter fan. And so you are that. And so, almost certainly, you won’t hesitate to give up your McDonald’s apple pie money for Hellfire in order to get your 16-bit blast on. I can’t stop you. I won’t even try.
Viewpoint (NeoGeo)

Viewpoint review (NEO)

Reviewed on February 17, 2004

The VIEWPOINT makes things look decidedly 3D.
Verytex (Genesis)

Verytex review (GEN)

Reviewed on February 10, 2004

Area three takes us back 'outdoors', over Earth perhaps, high enough to skip through the clouds, but low enough to witness clearly the wake of alien conquest. Surely this 'ravaged metropolis' scene is shooter cliché, but decent execution of it never ceases to bring some degree of profound humanity to any blastathon. Regrettably, the crumbling buildings here are nondescript and repetitive, like the houses that whiz by seen through Fred Flintstones' windows as he runs through his own home.
XDR: X-Dazedly-Ray (Genesis)

XDR: X-Dazedly-Ray review (GEN)

Reviewed on February 02, 2004

XDR stands for X-Dazedly-Ray. I couldn't have made that up if I tried. I mean, dazedly? What the hell is that all about? And I love how designers Unipac hyphenated the parts, as if that makes the whole somehow make sense. They would have done better to allow the three letters to keep their mystery! That would have afforded us the opportunity to discuss the possibility of the name's origin in clandestine instant messenger chatrooms, or else on shadowy, cultish internet boards dedicated to talking up bad shooters based solely on their obscurity! But Unipac ruined it for us.
Tetris (Game Boy)

Tetris review (GB)

Reviewed on January 21, 2004

To summarize the Tetris experience is to quote Maynard James Keenan of the great rock band Tool -- as I am often wont to do: I know the pieces fit!
Golden Axe (Genesis)

Golden Axe review (GEN)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

It seems as if some nefarious evildoing knave by the name of Death Adder (how corny is THAT name) has stolen a Golden Axe. The Golden Axe isn't a weapon you get to use or anything, it's just the sacred artifact that needs rescuing, in place of your girlfriend or sensei. As such, it's rather difficult to care about your quest. I mean, if my girl was kidnapped, I'd be quite riled up and ready to choke a few throats, but the disappearance of a kitchen knife or toolshed mainstay doesn't get me going.
Gaiares (Genesis)

Gaiares review (GEN)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

I have seen evidence of reviews, ‘professional’ or otherwise, where the reviewer seems not to have been able to get into the belly of the game, and writes of early passages in an attempt to skirt the issue of his superficial foray. It probably works, because many fans who own the game haven’t seen the horizons beyond level four either.
Alone in the Dark 2 (PC)

Alone in the Dark 2 review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

AITD2’s Carnby is the hardest individual you’ll come across. He’ll fight off ghouls, ghosts, and pirates dressed as gangsters (stop hunting for a typo, it’s true) with Tommy guns, a derringer, a sword stick, frying pan, battledore or his bare hands. Consider his attitude: he knows going in that there will be thugs everywhere on the property, to thwart his rescue attempt. But he still chooses to bring only his trusty six-shot revolver, and nothing else! No ammunition for it, save what is in the chamber. Yes indeed, Edward Carnby is as tough as they come, and that means you had better be as well.
Alone in the Dark (PC)

Alone in the Dark review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

AITD is far more fun to play than the flashy and fleshy games it has spawned over the years. The Resident Evils, the Silent Hills, and even the new incarnation of Carnby's adventures, all fall short of the fun and fear factors that the original manages to evoke.
System Shock 2 (PC)

System Shock 2 review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

In System Shock 2, an alien intelligence-cum-virus known as Xerxes, begins to mutate your human comrades aboard the ship, the Von Braun, attempting to degrade them into pawns of the growing alien consciousness known as The Many. You will be met with force by aberrant versions of former friends (from shotgun wielding males to laser firing females), robots, giant spiders, and the truly gruesome organic abominations of The Many that appear at the game's awe-inspiring culmination.
Noctropolis (PC)

Noctropolis review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

Let me help you out. If you're checking this game out for the adult/sex factor, don't even bother. Succubus shows us nothing, and Stiletto shows us her breasts for like, two seconds. They're a rather nice set, granted, but you'd be better staying up and watching Porkys, or Fast Times at Ridgemont High for this kind of one-handed material. At least Fast Times had Phoebe Cates. And you can't beat Phoebe Cates for old time gratuitous nudity.
Rise of the Triad: Dark War (PC)

Rise of the Triad: Dark War review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

Much of RotT isn't very memorable or special, which is something a game like this needs to be distinctive in a crowded FPS market, both at the time of its release, AND now. Fat monks and good graphics from far and close up graphics that are far from good isn't quite enough. Thankfully, there are great moments that help raise this game above the level of mediocrity, if only slightly. Well, only one great moment, really.
Jill of the Jungle (PC)

Jill of the Jungle review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

Our protagonist, Jill, is an Amazon woman-type (girl power!), clad in a skimpy green outfit (guy power!). She's blonde (naturally) and brawny, and depending on what you choose to do with her, brainy as well. She can jump, climb ladders and vines, and can fling knives and spinning blades should she be so lucky to find them and so equip herself. But wait. Keep that quickening pulse in check!
Hocus Pocus Episode 1: Time Tripping (PC)

Hocus Pocus Episode 1: Time Tripping review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

The Land of Lattice is overseen by the Council of Wizards, a ruling body with great power and prestige, which you'd like to be part of one day. Fueling your resolve to this end is the matter of Popopa. That's your girlfriend (as if you didn't know!), and you'd like to marry her (Hocus! I implore you to reconsider! Why risk having your powers split down the middle when things inevitably go wrong!).
Dark Ages Episode 1: Prince of Destiny (PC)

Dark Ages Episode 1: Prince of Destiny review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

It will help if you’re already a fan of side-scrolling adventure games. If you can’t do without your Rastan, or your Legendary Axe, you will already be predisposed to having some fun with this little game. Your character is nameless, presumably so that you can think of him as yourself. Perhaps they should have left the bad guy nameless as well—his name is Garth. I doubt they were going for ''Garth Brooks''—maybe ''Garth Vader.''
Commander Keen Episode I: Marooned on Mars (PC)

Commander Keen Episode I: Marooned on Mars review (PC)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

Billy Blaze is eight years old. And he's a genius. He's constructed what he calls a 'beans and bacon' spacecraft from miscellaneous slop he unearthed around his parents' house. When he dons his big brother's yellow football helmet and carries along with him his trusty pogo-stick, we know it is nighttime (got to make sure the folks are asleep, after all), and that he's heading to outer space. We know he is blazing trails of interstellar discovery and aggressive peacekeeping endeavors. We know he has become... Commander Keen!
Bonk's Revenge (TurboGrafx-16)

Bonk's Revenge review (TG16)

Reviewed on January 14, 2004

Bonk’s Revenge is certainly not as charming and original as the first game, due in large part to the aforementioned omission of the ‘friend philosophy’. No longer are the bosses your hypnotized friends that you must get to ‘snap out of it’ with a few raps to the noggin. Now the bosses are just bad guys, and that’s too bad.

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