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Review Archives (All Reviews)

You are currently looking through all reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by JoeTheDestroyer and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
Phantom Fighter (NES)

Phantom Fighter review (NES)

Reviewed on February 10, 2011

It's pitch-black and freezing. The wind doesn't chill your bones as much as the stillness hanging over all the Chinese villages. The hustle and bustle of human life had been replaced by the horrified screams of the villagers as the kyonshis, undead creatures of East Asian folklore, devoured them, and then there came only complete silence. Even the insects dare not buzz and pasturing animals remain invisible. If a man were to listen ...
Super Meat Boy (PC)

Super Meat Boy review (PC)

Reviewed on February 07, 2011

Like all good stories involving giant saw blades, exploding pieces of sentient meat, and evil fetuses, this one is about a girl.
Hydlide (NES)

Hydlide review (NES)

Reviewed on February 05, 2011

Hydlide is madness contained within a plastic gray cart. To play it for too long and contemplate its dimensions and features is to go insane. It's an RPG of the worst sort, one that pads its gameplay out with grinding and guessing and gives you nothing else--no plot, no side quests, no other clues or NPC. You explore the tiny area to which are confined, bump into scores of enemies in order to kill them, listen to the same looping and overly high-pitched music, and perish many times in ...
Eternal Sonata (Xbox 360)

Eternal Sonata review (X360)

Reviewed on February 01, 2011

Eternal Sonata is a J-RPG in which you follow a group of anime-inspired characters through an adventure that seems like most every other. Among the main three characters are Polka, a terminally ill teenage girl who's going on a soul searching journey; Allegretto, a homeless guy who excels in swordsmanship and has the hots for Polka; and Fredrick, the incarnation of renowned pianist Fredrick Chopin who is convinced that the fantastical world that Polka and Allegretto live in is his dream a...
Krazy Kreatures (NES)

Krazy Kreatures review (NES)

Reviewed on January 30, 2011

No lovable Russian ballet or upbeat tunes. All you get to start with is silence and an empty rectangle with a cursor inside. Before you can yawn, it rains cats and dogs. Literally, cats, dogs, and a few other animals begin piling up in the rectangle, and it's your duty to sort them out, making vertical, horizontal or diagonal trios of each animal to clear them off the screen and score. Later levels use “things”, which must be arranged in quartets; people in quintets; and monsters in sextets. Eac...
Doc Clock: The Toasted Sandwich of Time (PC)

Doc Clock: The Toasted Sandwich of Time review (PC)

Reviewed on January 27, 2011

Doc Clock: The Toasted Sandwich of Time wants to tantalize you with inventive gameplay and a fabulous 2D side scroller environment like a viewing into the past. However, one fatal flaw brings the whole construct crashing down. Building different devices to survive the hazards of the future is an intriguing idea, one crushed by shaky and inconsistent physics.
Xexyz (NES)

Xexyz review (NES)

Reviewed on January 24, 2011

Humanity nearly wiped itself clean off the map, and the Mother Nature attempted to aid the process with a few hundred natural disasters. Peaceful fairies then came along and built a nation on the bones and smoldering ruins of humanity and called it Xexyz. To keep peace and order, they established five cute anime girls as princesses, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Cave Story (Wii)

Cave Story review (WII)

Reviewed on January 20, 2011

I knew after ages of searching through scores of dull family games, pointless platformer reboots, and obscure puzzle games that I would find a WiiWare game actually worth the price of admission. This game, ladies and gentlemen, is Cave Story. Never mind that this game is free on PC, the Wii version gives us a few new goodies, as well as updated graphics and sounds, the ability to use a controller instead of relying on a keyboard, and the same amazing gameplay that make it worth the $12 ...
WWF: Betrayal (Game Boy Color)

WWF: Betrayal review (GBC)

Reviewed on January 16, 2011

Hunter trots backstage and discovers that his wife Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley has been taken by The Rock and co. Vince McMahon catches up with him, tells him that if he can rescue Stephanie, then he can have a title shot. Take all of those illogical plots from NES games and combine them with professional wrestling and this is what you get. It's almost ridiculous enough to be an actual WWE storyline, one written by a total mark.
The Magic of Scheherazade (NES)

The Magic of Scheherazade review (NES)

Reviewed on January 14, 2011

Leap off that steed and cast away that shining armor. It's time to take the hot sands, to don a turban and wield a scimitar with deadly grace. Leave behind those fantasies that have been final for fourteen games or those quests of the dragon kind, and delve into The Magic of Scheherazade. It's a wonderful RPG that maintains the sword and sorcery feel, yet changes the setting all together. It's not set in a world like medieval times, but more akin to Arabian Nights. With much t...
Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure No. 1: Chaos at the Carnival (Commodore 64)

Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure No. 1: Chaos at the Carnival review (C64)

Reviewed on January 10, 2011

If you're a seeker of esoterica or a man with a penchant for playing poorly made license titles, then Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival is just the ticket. It's the crème de la crème of awful. Most wouldn't expect much of a Muppet game, maybe mediocrity at best, but I'm sure few would expect to be at the very bottom of the gaming totem pole. It's a license title with hardly any elements that attach it to its source material, loaded with just about every gaming flaw y...
Archon (NES)

Archon review (NES)

Reviewed on January 05, 2011

Conquest! That supreme notion that you have overcome your opponents, that the ground you walk on is now yours, and that all your opponents can do is cry and bleed. Ha-ha, you might laugh. My knights have cut your goblins to ribbons. My unicorns now frolic in the fields littered with the body parts of your manitcores. This is war, this is Archon. It's a strategy game that wins for being simple and addictive, despite being too easy.
8 Eyes (NES)

8 Eyes review (NES)

Reviewed on January 02, 2011

Everyone compares 8 Eyes to Castlevania, and gamers are split down the middle on which is better. If you couldn't tell by my score, I'm of the “Castlevania is better” persuasion. Both games are marked for having extreme challenge, though the implementation of the challenge differs in both. Castlevania has simple gameplay, but would rather give you difficult situations that require timing and skill. It's m...
The Adventures of Star Saver (Game Boy)

The Adventures of Star Saver review (GB)

Reviewed on December 30, 2010

Imagine: a run 'n gun game where you play as a tough LAPD cop who looks like he's twelve, surrounded by giant pill bugs, vicious cartoony dogs, and killer music notes, your trusty standard issue handgun drawn and your sentient mech sidekick at your side. Do I sense the makings for a buddy cop film? The landscape is wondrous, but the alien world they are on looks forbidding. The two are grateful to have one another. They know their trials will be many, but don't realize they won't be very try...
Wizards & Warriors (NES)

Wizards & Warriors review (NES)

Reviewed on December 26, 2010

Wizards and Warriors is regarded by many as a classic. I was in that group until I recently replayed the game with an analytical eye and a critical mind. Where before I had seen testosterone-laden Conan-esque platformer goodness, I now see a sloppily made platformer with an ill-fitting color pallet and dull levels and objectives. One may question how a show like Video Power could justify endorsing it so heavily.
In the Hunt (Arcade)

In the Hunt review (ARC)

Reviewed on December 16, 2010

Even though you successfully blast the first few enemies out of the water and dodge their attacks, you still notice two things off the bat. One is that you move somewhat slowly. Understandable, what with being underwater and all. The other is that you cannot hold the fire button down to rapid fire, but must repeatedly press the button.
MadWorld (Wii)

MadWorld review (WII)

Reviewed on December 08, 2010

Our man Jack isn't just dismembering for the hell of it. He's a man on a mission, sent to an isolated island where a bloody sport is being held. The citizens of the island have all become contestants of Death Watch, a game in which contestants kill one another for a crack at the championship. Jack poses as a contestant at first, but over time we see what he's really after. More is revealed that thickens the plot and gives the game that much more depth and style. It's refreshing to play and over-...
Powerpuff Girls: Battle Him (Game Boy Color)

Powerpuff Girls: Battle Him review (GBC)

Reviewed on December 04, 2010

Most savvy gamers will know by looking at Powerpuff Girls: Battle Him what the game entails: tedious gameplay, dry combat, incessant collecting, and a lackluster fun factor. It's not bias that causes this, but experience. Many of us have played too many awful license titles for handheld systems, and know a bad purchase when we see one. It should be no surprise that combining all aforementioned factors nets you one shallow game.
Custer's Revenge (Atari 2600)

Custer's Revenge review (A2600)

Reviewed on December 02, 2010

It's not just that this game is boring to play, but it's a complete waste of time. Custer's Revenge is worth taking a peek if only to have your curiosity satisfied. That's about it.
London Blitz (Atari 2600)

London Blitz review (A2600)

Reviewed on November 30, 2010

Most games have you taking lives, but how many games have you saving them? London Blitz (LB) thrusts you onto the streets of WWII era London to disarm bombs before they can take lives or cause any major property damage. The more bombs you disarm, the higher a rank you become. Wait too long and bombs go off. This spells a demotion for you. Be careful because if a bomb goes off while you're working on it... Well, it won't tickle.

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