Super Mario 64
	Genre: Action (Platformer) Developer: Nintendo
Publisher Region Released Nintendo NA 09/??/1996 Nintendo EU 03/01/1997 Nintendo JP 07/18/1997

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User Review

Review by pickhut
July 02, 2010

A long time ago, in a far away kingdom filled with mushroom hill tops, green pipes, and coins as far as the eye can see, there was a man named Mario. This plumber, sporting a killer mustache, overalls, and a red hat, time and time again saved the Mushroom Kingdom from the diabolical Bowser, a towering turtle that has a huge obsession with kidnapping a princess. Mario had plenty of help during these adventures, but that didn't seem to matter to him, since he was so intent on hogging all the glory. He went to a mysterious storyteller by the name of Shigeru Miyamoto, and paid him to retell the tales so that it would sound like the plumber did most or all the work. He even went as far to put his name in all the titles: Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, Mario is Missing, and so on. Due to spotlight hogging, poor Luigi, Mario's brother, got by on part-time sports jobs. And Yoshi, the green dinosaur that cared for Mario when he was a whiny baby, was abused in later years with constant beatings to the head and countless sacrifices for extra jump boosts.

So when it came time for Mario to embark on his latest, supposedly greatest journey, he didn't want to wait for people to hear about this current conquest against Bowser's army. His solution? Live TV, baby. He called the Mushroom Broadcasting Company (or MBC for short), pitched his idea to the executives, and within minutes a camera crew was sent over. The Lakitu Bros. crew, or commonly known as The Great Lakitus, have been praised for their bravery in the line of duty, all for the sake of the shot. The brothers, excited about this latest job, thought this would be their big break, especially if the previous outings of the "hero" were any indication.

However, when they finally had the chance to meet the famous Mario, they soon realized how different he was from the legend. On first arrival, they witnessed the plumber tying up his brother and hiding him inside a bush. Yoshi tried rescuing him, but Mario knocked the mammal out cold, stuffed him into a cannon, and shot him to the top of the castle with no means of escape*. Mario then turned around and was shocked to see the cameramen so soon. He marched up to the turtles, grabbed their necks, and threatened to do horrible things to their entire family if word of this came out. He didn't want another "Lost Levels" incident on his hands.

*It was later discovered the punch was so powerful, that Yoshi completely forgot about the whole ordeal and made up a story when saved.

The Lakitu Bros., beaming with enthusiasm just minutes earlier, tagged along with the Italian mobster in depressed state of minds. All hope wasn't lost, fortunately. They couldn't do anything with words, but they still had their cameras. And you know what they say: actions speak louder than words. As the journey to rescue the princess, recover all the stars, and take back the castle went underway, Mario was thrilled his loyal fanbase would be able to see this adventure in, some would say, a three-dimensional perspective. It would be unlike the hand drawn art that accompanied his stories of yesteryear's treks.

Traveling into the Bob-omb Battlefield portrait, though, he realized the camera work from the Lakitu Bros appeared... sloppy. Thinking it was just first minute jitters, he marched forward, jumping on Goombas, dodging the giant, chained Chompa, and climbed the booby-trapped mountain to face Big Bob-omb. As the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom continued into the painting worlds of little giants, submerged cities, and winter wonderlands, however, he wasn't as focused as he usually was; he kept noticing the Lakitus' were in horrible positions, always moving to the most awkward spots imaginable. And whenever they were actually in good positions, the second Mario tried doing something, The Great Lakitus went back to terrible angles.

In what was a rarity, Mario was out of his element due to how distracted he was. Usually the master at platforming, which came off so easy in electronic play recreations, was now reduced to a clumsy fool. Challenges were now unintentionally magnified because of the Lakitu Brothers' annoying and erratic movements, and the plumber began screwing up more than was needed. Mario tried to make the best of it on Live TV, but the damage was done. Thankfully for him, viewers still enjoyed the show thanks to it being such a monumental occasion in that time period, plus the pleasure of seeing familiar places and things in the new perspective. But for Mario, it came off as a disappointment. He was glad people still managed to enjoy more of his spotlight hogging, but he wished the experience would have performed better. It was at least an interesting first experiment, he thought.

The Lakitu Bros, silenced through blackmail, were proud of the job they did, however. And thankfully, Mario never realized that they performed badly on purpose. Even though they knew they ruined what could have been a very engaging experience, destroying their careers in the process, they wanted to avenge the wrongdoings brought upon Luigi, Yoshi, and all the other nameless heroes that did their job for princess and kingdom.

Because that's just the type of people they were, The Great Lakitus.

Rating: 6/10

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