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Systems > PC > O > Oregon Trail > User Review
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Review by tristis_iranica
May 15, 2005
What’s that? You did not play Oregon Trail in elementary school? Lies! Pure hogwash!
But even if you didn’t, understand that to many prepubescent kids, this was more sacred than five extra minutes of recess. It was more holy than snack time. It was even better and more fun than receiving cooties! Despite all that, it really was a watered down history lesson that involved... shooting stuff.
The point of the game is not supposed to be the severe poaching of America’s frontiers, but rather the transporting of peoples across the great unpopulated void once called the Great American Desert. Whether they are poor folk or religiously persecuted, it is your job to form a party of travelers. You are to be its headmaster, and it is your problem to get them ready for the arduously grueling trip. It’s funny, because there are several jobs that you can pick from. Two of these jobs include the poor as dirt farmer and the richer than rich banker. Crop sewing attributes are not a necessity for completing this game, so why the hell would you want to select someone without enough money to buy a ton of guns? That is why the banker is the sole good choice among career choosing.
But let's back up a little bit. While picking your job is important, it is undoubtedly more essential to select your party. Every kid who has ever played this game has put themselves at the reigns. Likewise, the usual party will consist of about four or five friends of said lord of the wagon party. It is a pure joy to take your friends all out yonder west... until they develop measles, dysentery, and hives. Then sadly, one by one, the party will lessen until only the brave leader remains– you. In the harsh world of Oregon Trail, where the common cold can level everything west of the Mississippi, it is far more cruel and satisfactory, to take your enemies on board rather than your friends. I’d prefer to see any cootie ridden girl die any old day than to have my booger flicking comrade bite the dust.
After the time consuming chore of choosing who will leave out for Oregon is decided, as well as which career you are to be adroit in, the shopping takes place. Obviously, a Conestoga wagon will be needed. Spare wagon parts that are as sturdy as aluminum foil and oxen that are at times as fast as cheetahs (I’m not making that up) are also a must. All of the shit that you would need in real life is something to think about purchasing. But the real reason for spending all of the banker’s money is not for medicine or clothes but for guns. Armaments are a necessity for killing poor, defenseless animals, and much gunpowder and many rounds of ammunition are vital.
Once all of that is taken care of, however, the real journey can begin. Inevitably, there is a catch.
The journey is a joke!
Just passing through takes on a whole new meaning. The great landmarks that dot the trail (Chimney Rock, Fort Laramie, the Snake River) are limited to poorly constructed stamps that when actually reached tell dry facts. The sense of adventure is destroyed like a wagon crashing and burning. There is no map to show you your progress. Instead, the little cows and wagon just dash to the left of the screen until they reach another pathetic looking landmark. The whole entire journey is done during the after hours, too, because the sky is always black. Not even a single interesting thing is visible. Not that it really matters for the graphics are sorely lacking and totally banal.
The only excitement that ever occurs on the trail happens when either:
A.) You are hunting and killing wildlife without compassion.
B.) You cross a river (and your wagon gets stuck).
C.) You pass a tombstone of a classmate (Take that, sucker!).
It is a real shame that the excitement is minimized because the majority of the game takes place on the trail, and it too looks so bad and is so uneventful that it really subtracts a grand quantity of the game’s intrigue. It would have been all for naught, but there is one redeeming quality that saves this game from total destruction. That one shining characteristic is the previously foreshadowed hunting.
Hunting in Oregon Trail is a dream for any sadist. You control the direction an immobile hunter points his gun and then fire the trigger. Only 200 to 250 pounds of food can usually be taken back from the hunt, but do you think anyone cares? No, they do not give a damn. It’s all about ridding the Wild West of great bison, meaty bears, and swift deer. Not even the lowly squirrel can hide from the onslaught of never ending lead and gushing malice. Even when the battlefield is littered with tons of murdered animal corpses, there still remains a wanton desire to shoot even more animals. A waiting game will ensue as you prepare to fire a rifle at a pronghorn that decides to run the gauntlet of deceased animal ruin. The catastrophic amounts of depopulation are awesome, and thanks to the hunting machine, Oregon Trail is able to partially salvage itself from the horrible adventuring and tedious river crossing.
Once you do manage to pry yourself away from the game’s sinfully enjoyable hunting portion, you will more than likely discover that this is one quick game. In a short period of time, you will arrive in Oregon with perhaps a few party members having died along the way. Once the destination is reached, you’ll realize that there is no reason to ever play Oregon Trail again save for the hunting. It really is unfortunate that the greatness of traveling across the territory had been diluted by horrible graphics and boring presentation. Nevertheless, it’s only a game that anyone would really want to play during their elementary school years. Quite frankly, this offers little more than a quick trip down memory lane.
Rating: 5/10
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Title: Oregon Trail |
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