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Review by Jason Venter 
January 24, 2005
Lining the street’s left side are an assortment of homes, red and white in color. The white ones belong to those people who are clever enough to see that your newspaper subscriptions offer a substantial value. They have nicely trimmed lawns, cute little checkerboard fences and even bushes and flowers. Some also have dog houses for the family pooch.
The difference between these enlightened individuals and your mortal enemies is a simple one: the bad people live in red houses.
As you peddle your bike down the street, you’ll find that you have a limited stock of newspapers. Your supposed goal is to heave a paper at just the right angle so that as you peddle past, it lands either precisely in the subscriber’s box, or within a reasonable range on the front porch (you get more points for a direct delivery). If the house is white, you should of course make every attempt to satisfy Joe Consumer. But what if the house is red?
Then it’s war.
Notice those nice green shrubs? A simple toss of the paper can cut them cleanly in half. What about that neatly-packed pail of cans waiting for pick-up by the recycle truck? Heave a paper hard enough and the aluminum will be scattered across the perfectly-manicured lawn. That’ll teach people to think twice the next time they turn down your newspaper subscriptions.
Of course, there are threats to your little newspaper empire. That cute little dog you see cowering in his home on the front lawn may very well bite you in the butt if you don’t toss a paper at just the right moment. And there are rumors that the Grim Reaper himself frequents the neighborhood from time to time. Add runaway lawnmowers, tires, go carts and disillusioned customers of times past and you have the formula for a rather dangerous job.
For this reason, you have several chances to make it through the week. If you run face-first into the back of a parked car, it’s not necessarily the end of the world. If a whirlwind or a skateboard knocks you from the bike, you still have a few more chances.
If you’re really good, you’ll make it to the end of your route, and then it’s on to the training course. Dingy brown clay forms a dry ocean around ramps and rings. Though you never see jumps in your actual route, a paperboy can never be quite prepared, so these moments make a nice diversion before your return to suburban perfection and more of that destruction that’s oh-so-enjoyable.
With that said, the whole thing can get old. And it can start to feel cheap. You might see a trash can in perfect reach, yet find yourself swerving wildly away at the last moment because a skateboarder is careening wildly toward you. As the week passes and you draw ever nearer to Sunday, the number of obstacles in your path becomes almost insurmountable. Not only that, but if you just throw paper after paper, you’ll run out of issues well before you find a replenishing bundle stacked just left of the sidewalk. This can cost you valuable subscribers, so there’s definitely an element of strategy involved with your vandalism.
Just remember that with work and dedication, you can beat the game. You can show everyone how wonderful it is to buy your newspapers. You can even get your mug plastered across those same papers you have just delivered over the course of the past week. The most fun of all, though, comes from claiming that high score. You see it and remember how you fought for it with blood, sweat and… broken windows.
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Most recent video game reviews written by Jason Venter
The Simpsons Arcade Game (Xbox 360) [February 04, 2012]
Pushmo (3DS) [January 31, 2012]
Unstoppable Gorg (PC) [January 19, 2012]
Skylanders: Spyro's Adventure (Xbox 360) [January 08, 2012]
Defense Grid: The Awakening (PC) [January 04, 2012]
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