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johnny_cairo sup

Title: Retroactive Disappointments.
Posted: February 07, 2006 (10:18 PM)
Enough of the whiny "poor me" bullcrap. Today I'd like to bring up a subject that saiyanprince got me thinking about. How many games have utterly blown you away in the past that subsequently do not hold up over the years? An awful lot for me.

- Final Fantasy VII. I had never played a Final Fantasy title before this came out (much less a non-Zelda RPG), and coupled with the fact that it was my first PlayStation game, I had to pick my jaw off the floor when it started up. Gosh wow, FMV cutscenes! CD quality music! A really fucking huge sword! A heroine with boobies for the sake of boobies! My ten-year-old self was quite impressed.

Now when I replay it, I can only get past the first cloying exchange with Aeris before I have to turn it off. It's the first game that goes out of its way to emotionally manipulate you, and it falls flat on its face. Okay, she dies. I wasted all that time levelling up her dumb ass, and she gets shanked like a skinhead at Rikers. If I ever cried it was out of frustration.

Aside from the prerendered CG backgrounds, the graphics are abysmal. You can count the number of polygons on the character models. Aside from a stirring main theme, Uematsu's score is lacking in the depth of Final Fantasy VI. Half the characters are all but completely useless. A slot machine attack? Killer!!

We can attribute this game to the insurgence of sexually confused RPG heroes with troubled (vaguely homoerotic) pasts. While that's good ammo for joke reviews, it does nothing for me.

Why the hell was this revolutionary? It was in 3d? It had the balls to kill a main character 1/3 of the way in? Most uses of "shit" in a T-rated game? I think it's the first one. Hardly a reason to call this a classic.

- Myst. Playing this game made me feel like I was part of the intellegiste, like I was a discriminating game snob. Then I got frustrated and bought the strategy guide like everyone else.

Having to cheat in order to beat something shouldn't be required. But if you want to advance past the first disk, you need to plunk down an extra $20 or else you'll still be stuck at the first puzzle.

Once I knew what to do, I really felt like I was accomplishing stuff in the Myst universe! Solving endless puzzles that only occasionally make logical sense! Watching grainy live actors recite crytic dialogue! Drooling over the pretty graphics! That was a lot to take in.

Honorable mention to Riven for having twice as many discs and half the content.

Why the hell was this revolutionary? I dunno. Prettiness?

Well, all of you are called upon to think of better examples than I did.
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Title: Meet Larry Laffer.
Posted: February 06, 2006 (08:54 PM)
So I'm sitting in Psych class in the corner seat as usual, asleep as Ms. Coberly is droning on. Her voice manages to lull me into unconsciousness like some kind of Wiccan incantation. I wake up just as class is over.

A really cute girl is standing there eyeing my Gashlycrumb Tinies shirt. She's smiling.

"That's awesome, man," she says.

I stupidly scratch my head with a pencil. "Thanks," I say. That's all I can think of. The oasis in my right brain has suddenly dried up.

A second later she is gone.

On the way home, I think of the perfect witty response. Le esprit d'escalier.
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Title: This time in lowercase
Posted: February 02, 2006 (03:06 PM)
I thought this place would be a deserted wasteland by now, but the community is just as active as ever. Zig's contest idea is utter brilliance, and having an odd number of judges is revolutionary!

So I'm hard at work on several reviews, on and off. What with all the time Arcanum is taking up lately, I'll be fortunate to finish one by the 6th.

Arcanum is essentially a medieval Fallout, only less grungy and profane, and much more accessible to non-hardcore types (none, I'm sure, would be reading this anyhow). The amount of unique characters you can create is pretty much infinite. Right now my dwarf gunslinger, Cagliostro, is roaming the countryside with a half-insane cultist at his side. He's a gun for hire, fighting for no one and everyone.

Understandably I must return to Arcanum now. There's a catacomb full of zombies begging to be charbroiled by some of my homemade molotov cocktails.

Title: LOOK EVERYOEN
Posted: January 17, 2006 (08:25 PM)
I HAVE A NEW 'BLOG, ISN'T IT A JOY TO BE AN ACTIVE MEMBER OF THE EVER-GROWING CYBER COMMUNITY KNOWN AS THE "BLOGOSPHERE"? NOW MY POSTS HAVE DEEP RELEVANCE IN TODAY'S TEHCNO-ORIENTED SOCIETY WHERE WE ARE ALL PART OF THE SAME INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY WEB.

NOW FOR A SYLLOGISM: ALL GAMERS ARE HONEST, I AM A GAMER, THEREFORE I AM HONEST. "GANJA FARMER" IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER MADE. IT HAS ACTION SEQUENCES TIGHTER THAN VING RHAMES AND HIDEO KOJIMA HAS NOTHING ON THIS STORYLINE.
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