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jiggs

Title: a little input is helpful.
Posted: January 13, 2010 (03:48 PM)
this is the intro for my next review. is it too long. coould it be rephrased in another way. your input is appreciated. thanks.
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Several years ago, I had complained rather incessantly about three things that were going wrong with the gaming industry. One was its reliance on making too many sequels and not enough original releases. Two, its obsession with mimicking the movie industry, thus ballooning production costs. Games are now $60 because of this. Three -- its emphasize over HD graphics instead of refined gameplay. This was the direction next-gen games were going and better technology exacerbated the dilemma even further.

As a result, promising titles like Assassin's Creed were marred by uninspired, half-assed ideas and quality assurance issues. It was supposed to help usher in a new era of next-gen action games, but the storytelling was shoddy, the combat was stiff, and it had game-freezing bugs aplenty. Ubisoft's Prince of Persia trilogy fared much better, yet those were last-gen games. So what good original action games are there for next-gen consoles to call their own? Well, there is Crackdown, Dead Rising or perhaps maybe Heavenly Sword. You could count the number on one hand.
[reply]

aschultzUser: aschultz
Title: Here's my editing
Posted: January 13, 2010 (04:07 PM)
Hope you find it useful. I know I almost have an algorithm for words to cut down. Maybe you could make these 2 paragraphs into 1.

[Several years ago, I had complained rather incessantly about three things that were going wrong with the gaming industry.] <- this focus is a bit on you & complaining. I might shift the focus to something more general.

Three disturbing trends I saw with PS2-gen consoles are (still present/worse/largely cured:) too many sequels/franchises, copying the movie industry with budget-bloating (X Y Z), and HD graphics over creating a new experience.

*I think gameplay is overused.

One was its reliance on making too many sequels and not enough original releases. Two, its obsession with mimicking the movie industry, thus ballooning production costs. Games are now $60 because of this. Three -- its emphasize over HD graphics instead of refined gameplay. This was the direction next-gen games were going and better technology exacerbated the dilemma even further.

[As a result, promising titles like Assassin's Creed were marred by uninspired, half-assed ideas and quality assurance issues. It was supposed to help usher in a new era of next-gen action games, but the storytelling was shoddy, the combat was stiff, and it had game-freezing bugs aplenty.] passive voice here. "were...it" is a shift. I like "For instance, Assassin's Creed, which was supposed to lead the way, fell prey to shoddy storytelling, stiff combat, and too many game freezing bugs."

[Ubisoft's PS2 efforts with the Prince of Persia trilogy fared much better.] Maybe they bucked this trend?

So what good original action games are there for next-gen consoles to call their own? Well, there is Crackdown and Dead Rising or [perhaps maybe] (<- 1 word can go) Heavenly Sword.

[You could count the number on one hand.] <- implied, and a bit overused. You already gave 3 at most.
[reply]

honestgamerUser: honestgamer
Title:
Posted: January 13, 2010 (04:47 PM)
If you clean up the grammar, there's nothing entirely wrong with your intro, but you do seem to be going on for an awfully long time just to say "Next-gen games are expensive and flashy instead of affordable and great." If that were a new idea, it would be worth exploring at length in an intro, but it's not. A lot of reviews start that way. So you probably need to consolidate those two paragraphs (and the third that you're presumably leading into) and get right to the point that you're trying to make, so that you dlon't lose your reader before you get down to the process of discussing whatever it is that you actually want to discuss. There's no problem in saying what you're saying, but at this point you probably need to say it more quickly.
[reply]

bloomerUser: bloomer
Title:
Posted: January 15, 2010 (07:36 AM)
What HG said.
[reply]

jiggsUser: jiggs
Title:
Posted: January 15, 2010 (09:48 PM)
thanks for the input everyone. i've scrapped the whole intro and am going to try a different, looser approach that is more in tune with the game's style. i don't know how the outcome will turn out though.
[reply]

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