Forums > Contributor Zone > Review of the Week April 20-26: You encounter a wet fart - [Fight - Magic - Item - Flee]

I have returned to ROTW, but as an alternate. Will I return to full-time hosting? Perhaps one day...

I guess this is the part where I talk about what I'm playing and the horror movies I've watched. Three things I will talk a little about:

Battle Chasers: Nightwar
A turn-based RPG based on the fantasy comic. I'm enjoying it quite a bit. The animation is fantastic.

The Long Reach
A sci-fi/horror game with pixel graphics. It's... okay... It tries to be psychological, but kind of shoots itself in the foot by offering sarcastic remarks as some of the dialogue options. As someone who loves to be a smartass, I can't resist ruining this game's script with a snarky quip. Sadly, doing so kind of kills the mood.

Itsy-Bitsy
A mediocre killer spider movie featuring horror icon Bruce Davison. It's yet another one of those flicks where a single parent relocates to a remote, quiet place with two children, only to find that some shit is going down. In this case, it's a prehistoric spider hatched from a well-preserved egg, which was stolen from an indigenous tribe (I think they were located somewhere in South America). The usual stuff happens, where one kid knows what's going on and all of the adults think he just has an active imagination, even after someone turns up with huge, obvious bites on his body, completely drained of his insides.

I also got a Switch Pro-Controller, and promptly returned it for a replacement because both analog sticks were drifting the instant I synced the thing to my console. The instant... I've heard of Switch's controllers wearing out and drifting, but I've never heard of a case where they were already worn out and drifting right out of the damn box. Sadly, I ordered it online, so I now have to wait for the defective one to ship to a facility in Vegas, then wait for them to ship me a new one. Ugh...


Alright, that's enough about me and the cheesy things I watch and the bad choices I make. You want to know about your placement this week... Well...


Pickhut - Double Dragon: Neon
This review wastes little time and encapsulates the game within the first paragraph. You describe the game wonderfully, which is a huge feat considering how many of these titles you've played. I don't know about you, but I tend to screw up more often as I review numerous installments in a franchise. Either I try to try too hard to word my description of the game differently and end up with an awkward mess; or I forget to describe the game properly, because in my mind I've already done that in my previous six [insert franchise here] reviews. You don't fall into that trap here, and the uninitiated will thank you for it.


(Also, "assets." The word "assets." I was brain-farting that word tonight while touching up my upcoming review, and your review helped me remember it. Thank you!)


EmP - STATIONflow
You've accomplished two things with this review: 1) Did the "talk about me" bit while keeping it relevant to the review, and 2) Somehow made a terrific read out of a concept that sounds absolutely boring on paper. I mean, "Here's a game where you put signs down telling people where to walk. Enjoy!" That sounds as enjoyable as the carnival ride line simulator from South Park. Yet, you (as expected) capably made this a swift, enjoyable review while explaining very clearly where the game's shortcomings and positives lie.


Masters - Wolfchild
This was one of the first games I owned on SNES. I bought that and Chuck Rock with birthday money, and looking back I basically shot myself in the foot. I didn't realize then how shitty my haul was. Oh well, at least I also got Super Mario World and Super Smash TV at the same time.

This is a good, fun bash review that's absolutely right. I mean, how do you make a game that's about transforming into a lightning-shooting werewolf so utterly boring? HOW!? It's like someone gave the developers a creative golden ticket, and they used it for toilet paper. "...the whole thing provides a hungry gamer all the satisfaction of lukewarm tap water" is the best description I've ever heard of this game. It's hard to communicate how horribly mediocre this game is, but you accomplish that feat with finesse.



Third place:
Pickhut

Second place:
Masters

Review of the Week:
EmP

The only thing my milkshake brings to the yard is a subpoena.

Good news here and bad news I see. On the positive side, you've copied my RotW format at the bottom, which is great to see. On the negative side, for two weeks in a row, an RotWer has the order between Emp and me flipped. Do you guys know what this is doing for his already inflated ego?! In all seriousness, thanks for the pretty quick turnaround and for pitching in while Jason does real life things. And for the compliments! Cheers.

I don't have to prove I'm refined - that's what makes me refined!

I did not see that coming. Marc's been robbed, he's telling me on IM. Over and over and over and over again.

Thanks for that. I started writing the review and when I read what I had back, it was painfully dull so I nuked the entire thing and tried to at least make it sound like I wasn't writing at gunpoint. I'm glad it came off.

Thanks for stepping in this week while Jason courts death outside like a madman. It was good of you to take a break from publishing a review every half hour to get this done.

For us. For them. For you.

Hey, thanks for the placement and comments! Glad you liked that it didn't sound too similar with my other DD reviews, especially since I find it harder and harder to approach each one nowadays because of that specific problem. Same thing with its "companion" series, the River City games, which I need to do some catching up with, though not at this very moment.

Congrats to Masters, and to EmP for grabbing that RotW spot!

I head spaceshit noises.