Forums > Contributor Zone > Why we all used to suck.

IN THIS TOPIC: We make fun of ourselves. I have decided to do so via my second most viewed review that is commonly employed as a cure for insomnia and Genj personal favourite.

Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis.

The attraction of the Jurassic Park franchise has always lain in the dinosaurs.

Gee, thanks, EmP. The attraction of a franchise based around giant flesh-eating lizards is said lizards. That needed clarifying

Let's face it: we all got caught in the hype; the possibility of one of them chewing someone's face off is just to irresistable to pass up. So is the potential to make oodles of cash off it, it seems; Jurassic Park is guilty of squeezing every last possible penny out of its popularity, appearing in literature, the silver screen and, yes, video games.

This is what we call a ramble intro. If I was trying to make a point, I've lost the hell out of it somewhere. There's also two typos in there that have eluded me all these years. Insolence! I think I'm trying to be funny and suggest that JP is evil for wanting to make money from its popularity. Fight da power! And what the hell is with the last sentence? I sound like I'm smoking a pipe and wearing tweed while typing it. "and, yes, video games, Darcy?" Urgh.

Upon hearing about this title on its launch date, I got quite excited about the prospect of a Jurassic Park game that might actually not suck - a lofty aspiration indeed, given the series' past.

So, after just saying that JP is evil for releasing so much, I then go on to say that I wanted them to bring out more stuff before changing my stance before the sentence is even completed.

Shortly afterwards, I forgot all about my initial excitement until I recently had the chance to stealthily 'borrow' the game from a friend, who is probably cursing my name at this very moment.

Nothing says creditability more than "I stole this game and therefore played it illegally". For the record, I did eventually return the game.

Thankfully, forgotten are the earlier attempts which have Jurassic Park as a shoot-the-nasty-dinosaurs snorefest. Instead you're presented with a simulation which gives you the chance to build and run your own park full of dinosaurs. While the game lasts, it's an intriguing and worthwhile task.

See, this right here should have been the into., No attack-the-popular-franchise rubbish, no tales of my stealth thief skills. Could I be any more dull about it, though?

The game manages to feel familiar to other park-building sims, yet at the same time is different enough to be a little more engaging. The standard sim fare is present: build your park with adequate paths, eateries, toilets, and attractions to pull in the public. The difference is that your attractions are huge, extinct lizards.

The answer, then, is yes.

You start with your island of choice, complete with everything any self-respecting exotic park location would come with: trees, mountain ranges, rivers, and so on.

If you ever need to start a zoo containing ten-ton monsters that view you as snacked sized, just grab some trees.

It is your task to turn this rather ordinary-looking slab of land into the most successful theme park in the world. You start with the bare minimum, including basic conveniences such as toilets and food stands, pavement, basic security measures such as dinosaur enclosure fencing, and two dinosaur species ready to produce. All this is well and good, but you need to do three things to ensure the growth of your park: make money, research better accommodations, and produce more dinosaurs to keep the crowds happy. It's not as easy as it sounds, as the crowd consists of a variety of people looking for different things to enjoy at your park, be it excitement or an authentic slice of prehistoric life.

Like you were there, isn't it?

Luckily, you are not alone in your duties -- you have the original Jurassic Park cast at your side as staff. You send Dr. Grant away on palaeontology digs to find new strains of dinosaur DNA so you can breed new species. Also returning is Dr. Wu, who oversees all your research needs, such as the extraction of the dino DNA and research into park-beneficial projects, such as stronger dinosaur containment fencing, vaccines for various dinosaur diseases, and attractions for your park (e.g. balloon rides and safari jeep tours). To ensure the list of returning faces is complete, you'll also gain Dr. Sattler for any veterinary needs that may arise and even have Muldon is on hand as head ranger. All the familiar faces are present in game, which is meaningles dribble for those new to Jurassic Park, but a nice little touch for those already familiar with the franchise.

Luckily, you are not alone -- you have the original Jurassic Park cast at your side. And now, I'll list every single one of them for no reason whatsoever! Then make fun of the people who already know all this despite clearly knowing it all myself! Plus, typo and space error!

Explore the research and development stages and you'll find you have two different sets of research labs set up, which function independently of each other.

Why do I sound like a D- grade paper?

The first allows you to research the various attractions, vaccines, and so on. (You can research a lot of things, actually; it will take you quite a while to exhaust your options on this one.)

Full stop then bracket. Clever.

You have to be clever with your choices here, as each project is equally important.

No they're bloody not! Some things are clearly more important than others. Why do I tell such a dumb lie?

Vaccines are obviously a priority to prevent your attractions from picking up various illnesses, but you need to make money to fund your park, so the rides are vital for squeezing more money from your visitors. Just as vital is upgrading the strength of your dinosaur-holding fences, bulking up your security, looking into a visitor holding centre for your guests should an emergency break loose, updating your various methods of extracting DNA and hatching your assorted beasts, and so on. Keep in mind that all this still costs money, so ensure that the cash keeps rolling in.

Why only offer the most relevant examples when the full sodding list is readily available?

You'll never read this far in the actual review, and nor can I.

For us. For them. For you.

Whilst thou wert writing this parchment and posting in the board...

... thy X-COM review surpasseth thy Jurassic Park one in number of views.

(therefore thou maketh fun of thy THIRD most viewed review)

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Stupid X-Com and its awsomeness that makes people want to read about it..

Felix once deleted my X-Com review. Out of spite.

For us. For them. For you.

^^^

More like out of quality control.

I don't have to boost my review resume because I have a real resume.

6424 readers (and rising) beg to differ.

You're a twisted, bitter man. We only keep you around because you make me look friendly in comparison.

For us. For them. For you.

:-'(

I don't have to boost my review resume because I have a real resume.

http://www.gamefaqs.com/portable/gbadvance/review/R65171.html

Brilliant.

I don't have to prove I'm refined - that's what makes me refined!

I still suck!

http://backloggery.com/main.php?user=psycho_penguin

All my reviews suck because I was doing battle with gigantor word limits. Pretty sure I added an extra 700 words for the exorbitant Golden Sun quota at some point. Oh, good times. Humility, nice to know you!

Dogpile on Gwinnett!

Yes, Golden Sun. If you compare my review of it here with the near-identical GF one, you'll notice that one has an unnecessary extra paragraph where I just provide a long-winded second example of something I'd made very clear in the previous one.

I'm not afraid to die because I am invincible
Viva la muerte, that's my goddamn principle

Pretty sure I added an extra 700 words for the exorbitant Golden Sun quota at some point.

I wouldn't fret. That's only a fraction of the unnecessary dialogue Golden Sun itself added to pad out the game.

"Deep in the earth I faced a fight that I could never win. The blameless and the base destroyed, and all that might have been. -- GK"

why I used to suck

and that's edited, there were whole paragraphs that said like "locking on with R3 works really well!"

hey look, it's HTML that still works. this'll be broken within a week.

Oh no, it's a Goomba!

I'm sucking right now! Luckily, no one has to see this yet.

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Haha. I'm trying my hand at self-analyzing myself.

[Eating EmP's brain] probably isn't a good idea. I mean... He's British, which means his brain's wired for PAL and your eyes are NTSC. - Will