Patreon button  Steam curated reviews  Facebook button  Twitter button 
3DS | AND | IOS | PC | PS4 | NS | VITA | WIIU | XB1 | All

Forums > Contributor Zone > Why we all used to suck.

Add a new post within this thread...

board icon
Author: EmP (Mod)
Posted: April 18, 2008 (01:51 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

IN THIS TOPIC: We make fun of ourselves. I have decided to do so via my second most viewed review that is commonly employed as a cure for insomnia and Genj personal favourite.

<Center>Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis.

The attraction of the Jurassic Park franchise has always lain in the dinosaurs.

Gee, thanks, EmP. The attraction of a franchise based around giant flesh-eating lizards is said lizards. That needed clarifying

Let's face it: we all got caught in the hype; the possibility of one of them chewing someone's face off is just to irresistable to pass up. So is the potential to make oodles of cash off it, it seems; Jurassic Park is guilty of squeezing every last possible penny out of its popularity, appearing in literature, the silver screen and, yes, video games.

This is what we call a ramble intro. If I was trying to make a point, I've lost the hell out of it somewhere. There's also two typos in there that have eluded me all these years. Insolence! I think I'm trying to be funny and suggest that JP is evil for wanting to make money from its popularity. Fight da power! And what the hell is with the last sentence? I sound like I'm smoking a pipe and wearing tweed while typing it. "and, yes, video games, Darcy?" Urgh.

Upon hearing about this title on its launch date, I got quite excited about the prospect of a Jurassic Park game that might actually not suck - a lofty aspiration indeed, given the series' past.

So, after just saying that JP is evil for releasing so much, I then go on to say that I wanted them to bring out more stuff before changing my stance before the sentence is even completed.

Shortly afterwards, I forgot all about my initial excitement until I recently had the chance to stealthily 'borrow' the game from a friend, who is probably cursing my name at this very moment.

Nothing says creditability more than "I stole this game and therefore played it illegally". For the record, I did eventually return the game.

Thankfully, forgotten are the earlier attempts which have Jurassic Park as a shoot-the-nasty-dinosaurs snorefest. Instead you're presented with a simulation which gives you the chance to build and run your own park full of dinosaurs. While the game lasts, it's an intriguing and worthwhile task.

See, this right here should have been the into., No attack-the-popular-franchise rubbish, no tales of my stealth thief skills. Could I be any more dull about it, though?

The game manages to feel familiar to other park-building sims, yet at the same time is different enough to be a little more engaging. The standard sim fare is present: build your park with adequate paths, eateries, toilets, and attractions to pull in the public. The difference is that your attractions are huge, extinct lizards.

The answer, then, is yes.

You start with your island of choice, complete with everything any self-respecting exotic park location would come with: trees, mountain ranges, rivers, and so on.

If you ever need to start a zoo containing ten-ton monsters that view you as snacked sized, just grab some trees.

It is your task to turn this rather ordinary-looking slab of land into the most successful theme park in the world. You start with the bare minimum, including basic conveniences such as toilets and food stands, pavement, basic security measures such as dinosaur enclosure fencing, and two dinosaur species ready to produce. All this is well and good, but you need to do three things to ensure the growth of your park: make money, research better accommodations, and produce more dinosaurs to keep the crowds happy. It's not as easy as it sounds, as the crowd consists of a variety of people looking for different things to enjoy at your park, be it excitement or an authentic slice of prehistoric life.

Like you were there, isn't it?

Luckily, you are not alone in your duties -- you have the original Jurassic Park cast at your side as staff. You send Dr. Grant away on palaeontology digs to find new strains of dinosaur DNA so you can breed new species. Also returning is Dr. Wu, who oversees all your research needs, such as the extraction of the dino DNA and research into park-beneficial projects, such as stronger dinosaur containment fencing, vaccines for various dinosaur diseases, and attractions for your park (e.g. balloon rides and safari jeep tours). To ensure the list of returning faces is complete, you'll also gain Dr. Sattler for any veterinary needs that may arise and even have Muldon is on hand as head ranger. All the familiar faces are present in game, which is meaningles dribble for those new to Jurassic Park, but a nice little touch for those already familiar with the franchise.

Luckily, you are not alone -- you have the original Jurassic Park cast at your side. And now, I'll list every single one of them for no reason whatsoever! Then make fun of the people who already know all this despite clearly knowing it all myself! Plus, typo and space error!

Explore the research and development stages and you'll find you have two different sets of research labs set up, which function independently of each other.

Why do I sound like a D- grade paper?

The first allows you to research the various attractions, vaccines, and so on. (You can research a lot of things, actually; it will take you quite a while to exhaust your options on this one.)

Full stop then bracket. Clever.

You have to be clever with your choices here, as each project is equally important.

No they're bloody not! Some things are clearly more important than others. Why do I tell such a dumb lie?

Vaccines are obviously a priority to prevent your attractions from picking up various illnesses, but you need to make money to fund your park, so the rides are vital for squeezing more money from your visitors. Just as vital is upgrading the strength of your dinosaur-holding fences, bulking up your security, looking into a visitor holding centre for your guests should an emergency break loose, updating your various methods of extracting DNA and hatching your assorted beasts, and so on. Keep in mind that all this still costs money, so ensure that the cash keeps rolling in.

Why only offer the most relevant examples when the full sodding list is readily available?

You'll never read this far in the actual review, and nor can I.

For us. For them. For you.

board icon
Author: zanzard
Posted: April 18, 2008 (04:58 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

Whilst thou wert writing this parchment and posting in the board...

... thy X-COM review surpasseth thy Jurassic Park one in number of views.

(therefore thou maketh fun of thy THIRD most viewed review)

Not sure how to make a sig? While logged into your account, you can edit it and your other public and private information from the Settings page.

board icon
Author: EmP (Mod)
Posted: April 19, 2008 (05:10 AM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

Stupid X-Com and its awsomeness that makes people want to read about it..

Felix once deleted my X-Com review. Out of spite.

For us. For them. For you.

board icon
Author: Felix_Arabia
Posted: April 19, 2008 (08:23 AM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...


More like out of quality control.

I don't have to boost my review resume because I have a real resume.

board icon
Author: EmP (Mod)
Posted: April 19, 2008 (08:59 AM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

6424 readers (and rising) beg to differ.

You're a twisted, bitter man. We only keep you around because you make me look friendly in comparison.

For us. For them. For you.

board icon
Author: Felix_Arabia
Posted: April 19, 2008 (09:32 AM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...


I don't have to boost my review resume because I have a real resume.

board icon
Author: Masters (Mod)
Posted: June 05, 2008 (10:29 AM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...


I don't have to prove I'm refined - that's what makes me refined!

board icon
Author: psychopenguin
Posted: June 25, 2008 (12:53 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

I still suck!

board icon
Author: shotgunnova
Posted: June 26, 2008 (12:23 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

All my reviews suck because I was doing battle with gigantor word limits. Pretty sure I added an extra 700 words for the exorbitant Golden Sun quota at some point. Oh, good times. Humility, nice to know you!

Dogpile on Gwinnett!

board icon
Author: overdrive (Mod)
Posted: June 26, 2008 (01:29 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

Yes, Golden Sun. If you compare my review of it here with the near-identical GF one, you'll notice that one has an unnecessary extra paragraph where I just provide a long-winded second example of something I'd made very clear in the previous one.

I'm not afraid to die because I am invincible
Viva la muerte, that's my goddamn principle

board icon
Author: sashanan
Posted: June 26, 2008 (01:52 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

Pretty sure I added an extra 700 words for the exorbitant Golden Sun quota at some point.

I wouldn't fret. That's only a fraction of the unnecessary dialogue Golden Sun itself added to pad out the game.


board icon
Author: bluberry
Posted: June 26, 2008 (02:34 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

why I used to suck

and that's edited, there were whole paragraphs that said like "locking on with R3 works really well!"

hey look, it's HTML that still works. this'll be broken within a week.

Oh no, it's a Goomba!

board icon
Author: disco1960
Posted: June 27, 2008 (03:44 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

I'm sucking right now! Luckily, no one has to see this yet.

Not sure how to make a sig? While logged into your account, you can edit it and your other public and private information from the Settings page.

board icon
Author: wolfqueen001
Posted: July 14, 2008 (01:32 PM)
Actions: Register for a free user account to post on the forums...

Haha. I'm trying my hand at self-analyzing myself. <_< It's the same sort of format as EmP's, only I decided not to be merciful and have indeed done he whole thing.

This is my first review ever and the one with the most hits, ashamed as I am to admit.

Enjoy! =D

Two travelers hike along a winding road, heading toward some unknown destination when suddenly, the first stops, looks around, and tells her companion to wait. The traveler is Xena, the mighty warrior, destroyer of men, bringer of justice. Her companion is Gabrielle, best friend to the invincible warrior. Yet at this time, something is about to happen that neither expected… something that will turn an innocent hike into one of the largest searches ever conducted by none other than Xena herself, for Gabrielle is missing. And it’s up to you to find her.

Haha. It’s actually not a terrible intro, but… seriously. Unnecessary foreshadowing and lack of explanation. Gabrielle is missing? How’d that happen? She was just standing there a sentence ago! I actually think this fact was pointed out to me in the tournament I entered this in…

Xena the game sets you off near the town of Oebalus where smoke rises from various houses above, and Xena discovers her friend dying near the main gate. This is but the first step on the road to Gabrielle. Yet this simple beginning leads to far more complicated, though somewhat predictable plot twists. And as the plot turns, so too does Xena’s travels, bringing her to areas as far-reaching as an Amazon jungle (literally) to a snowy mountain village to the deepest pits of Hell. The areas, though diverse, are less than expected, and the way the game is set up, it will leave you in one area for at least three different levels.

This was pointed out, too: discovers her dying friend? Well, that’s going to ruin the rest of the game… Oh, wait, you meant someone else.

Also, wtf was up with describing the layout of the worlds? Just say they’re diverse, explain why, and be done with it. No one needs to hear how one area is used three times or whatever. At least make it more interesting if it’s that important.

The levels are set up like this: the plot takes you to an area, from which you face challenges in each of the three corresponding levels. The third of these often is a character boss beatable by simply attacking it. The fourth in the series is strictly a boss level with a complicated means of defeat. After this, Xena is taken to a new area, with three new levels plus the boss, a system which only lets up after fifteen of the twenty-one levels. Afterwards, the levels are in systems of threes, with the same character boss at the end of each third. The only exception to this is the final three levels, which are all boss levels with the final being the evil goddess which got you into this mess in the first place.

Can I sound any drier? This can be shortened significantly without consequence. And look at the statistics! Numbers numbers numbers. Who cares? Let’s try to be a bit more general next time. Variable, many, multiple, several, series – all of these can serve the same purpose as “three levels in…, levels 18-21 are bosses only haha”

Perhaps the greatest part of the game is the requirements in beating each level. Each level has a different means of beating it, whether it’s collecting a key to open the main gate, saving a certain number of hostages, or releasing a switch or lever to open the gate for a certain boss. Almost never will you simply have to just defeat all your enemies and get to the end of the level. The game designers seem to have specifically designed the game to have some sort of requirement, no matter how simple, just to make each level more interesting. Further adding to this are the various power up items and hints distributed throughout each level. Xena can acquire a total of four defense and attack power up items, all of which are hidden in various levels, as well as pick up two hints (in the form of scrolls) per level. Collect all the scrolls and unlock a secret ending! Xena can even go back to previous levels and pick up the power up item again, so if you haven’t found one of your power ups, you can go back and repeat a level where you know where it is. However, this is not advised unless you have just beaten that level because once you save, all future levels you have completed will be erased. However, the game will remember that you had picked up the power ups and scrolls in future levels, so you’ll not have to worry about picking those up again. Still, this can be quite unfortunate when say… you had almost beaten the game. So, don’t let the acceptable plot, semi-decent background graphics, diverse level requirements, and hidden pick-me-ups throw you off. And even a secret ending can’t redeem all the game’s worst qualities. This game presents a challenge all its own – that of the controls.

Wall of text. Honestly. Cut off at the power-ups bit. And why do I feel the need to explain every little thing? “With various power-ups scattered throughout the game, Xena’s power becomes even greater,” or some other such phrasing would work just fine. And really, limit all that crap about the game overwriting all future levels to something less drawn out. Make an example of it, even, instead of this dry, wordy nonsense.

Yes, the controls. These bothersome character manipulation devices, although not complex in the slightest, (at least in this game) can prove most difficult in traversing dangerous areas. Need to cross a narrow bridge over a large expanse of deep water? You can count on the shaky, super-sensitive controls to get you across safely! …Or not. Even when using the analog stick, the slightest touch in the desired direction sends the character bounding forward. So, best you keep your finger off the L1 button, lest Xena accidentally get one foot off the bridge’s narrow planks. Yes, walking seems to be the only safe way to traverse dangerous distances, a fact which can prove devastating when trying to reach or run away from an enemy quickly. Of course, directional control can’t be the only problem. No. There are at least two other poor control factors that turn a relatively easy game into a tedious venture of tortured frustration.

Remove parentheses. Everyone knows I’m talking about this game – it’s the one I’m reviewing, thanks. And why explain with the actual button names? That’s just confusing and pointless. And I use traverse or some variation thereof twice in the same paragraph. Go me! Also, can I have a worse transition?.

The second difficult control feature is jumping. Ah, jumping, probably the most important aspect of gaming save combat. Jumping can get you to secret areas, across gaping gorges, to certain levers, switches items, or other game material otherwise inaccessible by normal means. It is one of the driving forces in game play – at least to the games that feature it. But somehow this game manages to ruin it. First of all, the normal, stationary jump acts as a forward jump, not a vertical jump controllable by slight forward movement like in most games. No. This one is a forward jump, but not only that, it’s a fixed forward jump, meaning you’d better be several feet away before jumping to that potion perched precariously on a narrow ledge over a cliff just inches past said ledge. But perhaps the fixed jump is a good thing. The running jump – the walking jump is the same as a stationary jump – is also a fixed jump, so at least you don’t have to worry about pressing the forward direction too far or too short of a critical jump. Still, this is not the last of the control grievances.

”Ah, jumping…” lol That’s all I’m going to say about that.

And again, I get too wordy… Examples would work better rather than trying to explain everything like this… *yawn* Some of this paragraph isn’t all that bad, but… I seem to be obsessed with detailing every intricate detail. Ugh.

The third problem may be trivial, and in most cases, not critical to survival, but it is very annoying. This is the simple matter of your Chakram aim. Xena’s trusty throwing weapon often results in instant death to all it touches save zombies and bosses. However, aiming it requires pressing and holding the R1 button – something which in normal circumstances would be quite easy, except that the game’s sensitivity makes it difficult. So, if you’re not firmly pressing the button, you will either lose the hard work of aiming the deadly weapon before release or you will lose the flight control of the weapon after release. Both can prove rather frustrating, especially when Xena is returned to the direction and camera angle she originally stood before aiming. Though this too may have fortunate consequences, for it certainly is a good thing to release the aiming feature when you are suddenly attacked by man, beast, or undead. Also, most Chakram use is at a distance, so such occurrences are few and far between. In fact, the only good control seems to come from the three combat buttons, all of which have proven no difficulty whatsoever. Even so, these few redeeming factors cannot redeem the atrocious camera angles.

I love how I sound all listy with my transitions the last few paragraphs. Yeah, that’s going to grab attention. And again, I talk about the R1 or some other button. No one cares, just explain that it’s the aiming button or whatever. ‘k. Also, dear lord. Do I even need this section? If I remember right, this really wasn’t a big deal. I might’ve just put it in for the “I need three things because that’s how I learned to write essays in school” garbage. The way I explain it, I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody understood what the hell I’m talking about. “Release, aim, release aim” what?

Wow, did I actually end with a semi-decent transition? Too bad everything before it is so dry and confusing.

Xena: Warrior Princess has to have some of the worst camera angles in gaming history. Like in most games, the camera is designed to follow your character; however, unlike most games, the camera lags in its efforts to keep you oriented and sometimes it doesn’t even function at all. Often times, the camera will not orient you when Xena is running back the way she had come, leaving you to stare at her frontal image while at the same time, waiting for your slow camera to adjust to her new direction and wondering just what you’ll run into next.

Alright. This one’s not too bad… Some bits sound awkward, and I could probably sound a little more interesting, but… this one’s not as bad as the previous paragraphs have been.

Overall, the game is not the greatest game for the Playstation out there. Its few redeeming factors don’t make up for its many control and camera glitches. The game is still easy, albeit frustrating because of the controls, and once you get used to them, you can get through the game quickly enough. But who knows? Maybe all these control misfortunes I had may not have been the game at all, but the mere work of my lack of coordination. Perhaps others who’ve played this game will think differently, and find things – good or bad – that I’ve missed. But even so, opinion is opinion, and in this review, my opinion is all that matters. The game was probably the most wasted week of my gaming life, but even so, the game’s redeeming features made it worthy of a 5. Or maybe I just don’t have the heart to give it a lower rank. Either way, I wouldn’t recommend this game unless you were looking for a way to torture yourself for a few days. So, to those of you who love to torture yourselves, buy this game, and best of luck! You’ll need it.

Oh, boy. Time to lay into myself for real. Worst conclusion ever. It doesn’t even sound like part of the review starting out… “Maybe all these control misfortunes I had may not have been the game at all, but the mere work of my lack of coordination.” What a fine way to sound credible! Dismiss everything I just bitched about as possible lack of coordination. Way to go! The next two sentences after that are completely unnecessary. Ugh. They’re just bad… I can’t… I can’t even tell you why… except that they’re completely pointless. Ugh. No need to explain the score I give it, or mention the score at all. God. I think the only “good” sentence(s) in this whole paragraph is the last two. I swear, shorten it to just a summary of the bad stuff and end it with something like “So for those masochists out there, this game is for you,” or something.

Haha. Even that better ending sounds kind of bad. Better than the whole paragraph put together, though. Man I needed work…

…One of these days I’m going to edit this thing. I think.

[Eating EmP's brain] probably isn't a good idea. I mean... He's British, which means his brain's wired for PAL and your eyes are NTSC. - Will

Policies/Ethics | Contact | Advertise | Sponsor Guide | Links

eXTReMe Tracker
© 1998-2018 HonestGamers
None of the material contained within this site may be reproduced in any conceivable fashion without permission from the author(s) of said material. This site is not sponsored or endorsed by Nintendo, Sega, Sony, Microsoft, or any other such party. Opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily represent the opinion of site staff or sponsors. Staff and freelance reviews are typically written based on time spent with a retail review copy or review key for the game that is provided by its publisher.