Forums > Contributor Zone > RotW // 26th December -- 1st January // The 2017 Edition

Last week Rob took the easy option by cashing in on everyone being too busy being all festive and stuff to pen nerdy video game reviews. Turns out that’s not going to carry over; there’s a healthy nine to read through this week. BUT THEN! Useless, useless Rob penned a review on his own week, so that goes up by one. BUT THEN! I wrote three of the reviews this week as I flopped over the finishing line for the Alphamarathon. So, maybe that’s not too bad.

So, seven reviews and a double up or two from busy writers -- only one from each person will count. From those seven, it’s my job to pick the top three then subtly leave feedback explaining why I didn’t actually like them at all.



THIRD Silver Nornir [And] Rob

I prefered this to your All Stars review, which hits its high around the talk of SMB2 & 3, but the stuff around it felt a bit stunted. Not your fault; complilation reviews tend to force you down that path as you try and talk about several games in the space you usually reserve for just the one. Nornir’s highs are in the first half the review where you talk about the plot and the obvious holes that exist within. It suffers after this as you go through the motions of talking about the mechanics and combat that you’ve had to talk about a dozen times as you plough through these very similiar games over and over. You sound like you’re going through the motions a bit -- I really don’t blame you for that.

It’s the more unique arguments that you really sink your teeth in. The fact that a mobile game seems too short to do the tale it wants to tell justice is a good angle to spin. Personally, I’m curious as to what happens to the legions of rejected warriors after they’re turned away. Do they just cease to exist so far as the game’s concerned?

SECOND Skylanders Imaginators [PS4] Jason

Jason’s other review suffers from the unfortunate reality of being a very average tower defense game. There’s not a lot you can do with that, and Jason probably handles it better than most in his trademark matter-of-fact style.

This game gives him more to work with, and it seems we’re learning a lot about Jason Venter with his recent reviews. Not content in admitting that he thinks Satan lurks inside Game Boy carts, we now know him to be a humourless soul who never smiles while playing video games, a pastime centered around having fun. No wonder he became a critic.

This review is not without stiffness, but is completely convincing that the author is very well informed on the subject matter, harking back to several of the other games to provide (appreciatively) brief sections on what’s changed and what’s stayed the same. I find that a good review can take a subject matter the reader has no history or interest in and have them leave a more informed fellow should they want to be or not. I know more about a game where you have to collect overpriced plastic figurines than I did before I started this RotW. I can’t say I’m thrilled about that, but it does prove the review’s worth.

But, hang on; what’s this?

The game is a feast for the eyes….

The rest is just (completely unnecessary) gravy.

Food analogies to kick off 2017? If you weren’t a self-admitted humourless blob, I’d think you were trolling me. Minus ten points to Gryffindor!


WIN! Drunken Robot Pornography [PC] Pickhut

An argument could be made that you won this week because of superior game choice. It’s probably more fun to talk about a kooky arena shooter with a stupid name than a mobile app or whatever you clarify Jason’s game as. But that would be doing you a disservice. Especially as you come away thinking the game’s pretty average.

A lot of the review is framed very well. I can’t see how a bullet hell style game could ever work in a first person view, but you belay that fear in very few words. That’s fine work. Even more so as the review becomes more heavily tinged with disappointment as it goes on. It very much sounds like something a lot of people will park mid game and then never come back to, especially since you finished it yourself for the sake of finishing it. Middle of the road reviews are often the hardest to write, but you’ve pulled this one off very strongly. Have a win.

For us. For them. For you.

Confession: sometimes I find myself starting to use a food metaphor in a review, and I start to stop myself, because I say "Oh, but EmP won't like it if I do that."

Then I say, "Well, what week is this? Is EmP even judging RotW?" And then I say, "Actually, I'm too lazy to check."

And THEN, in a defiant follow-up moment, I say "And actually, I don't really care, because a food metaphor is what I want right now." I might also make myself a couple of slices of toast and slather them in delicious jam, and while I do that I think about checking the RotW schedule after all, so I can see if you are judging and add 10X the food metaphors, just to screw with you. But then I remember that I am still lazy. Nothing has changed during those few seconds of thought.

In the end, the way it typically works out is that I use food metaphors when I want to and try to ignore any outside influences, like the mature and awesome writer I am.

"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." - John F. Kennedy on reality

"What if everything you see is more than what you see--the person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a secret door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn't? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things." - Shigeru Miyamoto on secret doors to another world2

I can easily imagine people giving up on the game halfway through, as I started feeling that way myself. But given the nature of how quick it would be to go through several stages, thanks to the game's structure and flaws, I just plowed through the rest for the sake of the review. Thanks for the RotW, and congrats to OD and Jason on their placements!

I head spaceshit noises.

Haha, EmP dislikes food metaphors as much as I hate someone describing something as a "mixed bag"

I can avoid death by not having a life.

EmP:

In this game, after you beat the evil emperor, your ally who is the keeper of time announces the time is nigh for the fight with Azatoth, while acting very impersonal (ie: "The person you know doesn't exist; I'm just the KoT!" stuff) and warps away with the characters corresponding to the previous age's heroes, leaving the others. Then you have a brief time-skip leading to one of those others (who'd been a villain up to nearly the end of the Emperor plot) deciding he needs to do something, leading to him acquiring the other castaways, leading to their party fighting the heroes from the first half of the game in order to prove their worth. Leading to the final dungeon, where 10 characters separate into three small parties to fight various manifestations of Azatoth.

It's all rather convoluted, which is why the game could have be stretched out a bit. Although the "Man, Yohan went from pretty psychotic to a generic good guy pretty quickly, didn't he?" moments did amuse me.

I'm not afraid to die because I am invincible
Viva la muerte, that's my goddamn principle