Forums > Submission Feedback > Alk31997's inFAMOUS 2 review

Once again I am drawn into your reviews by your unbridled enthusiasm. I really don't think I've come across such an exuberant writer on the site before. That's great and I would keep it up.

I'm going to give you some very similar advice to what I said about your last review. Three things – all of them easy to incorporate into your next review.

1) FOCUS
Make sure that your paragraphs focus on one thing, one point about the game. You have a tendency to drift into several topics over the course of a few sentences. Here's an example of a good paragraph from your review:

In Infamous 2, you can pick which way you want to go, which emotion you want to ruffle, do you want to be bad? Or do you want to be good? You choose. This mode was also incorporated in the first game, if you become the hero, people will adore you, and they will invite you into their glorified hearts. If you choose to be the villain, then obviously you do bad things, you kill needlessly, endlessly, and you pulverize and leave them for dead. Your electric power will turn red if you choose to intrude and kill frightened hearts.

Very nice! You talk about the moral choice system. Excellent. You don't stray from the topic you've established. Now this paragraph is bad:

The storyline is profound and interesting. Cole’s old friend Zeke is back, back to aid his electrifying comrade, Cole wants justice, and he wants to defeat the beast that is gearing closer to the city. To try and annihilate the beast, you must upgrade your powers, to do this, you must inject spheres into your body, every time this is done, Cole becomes rejuvenated and empowered. You can take advantage of new melee attacks, Cole has a new weapon to showcase, and it’s like a sword of colossal power, a dagger that will kill any hearts coated in black.

You give the impression from the first line that you are going to talk about the story, but then you end up talking about Cole's powers. Just stay focused in your paragraphs. Along with that is point two....

2) GIVE EXAMPLES
I think one of the reasons you tend to drift in your paragraphs is that you say things too quickly and then move on to the next point. You need to back up your claims. Just saying something doesn't convince us to believe you. For instance, in the paragraph highlighted above, you say "the story is profound." Now, like in a court case, you have to back that up with evidence. You have to prove that the story is profound. The rest of the paragraph should be examples of how and when the story is profound. This establishes credibility on your part.

If you don't want to go to that trouble, then don't say "the story is profound." Instead just list the facts: "the story is about Cole, from the first game, teaming up with his friend Zeke, also from the first game, to take down a gigantic beast that is terrorizing the city." At least we can't argue with or question that.

3) WATCH FOR PUNCTUATION
Especially periods. You don't use enough periods and you use too many commas. It's possible you are a non-native speaker or just not familiarized with grammar rules, which is fine. This site has 10 easy rules of commas. I can't paraphrase it better than that. If you're still having trouble, think of commas as something to use when making a list. Think of a period as something to use after you've made a single point. Rarely should you make multiple

Again, if we are using that same paragraph as an example then this is how the paragraph should read:

"Cole’s old friend Zeke is back to aid his electrifying comrade. Cole wants justice and he wants to defeat the beast that is gearing closer to the city. To try and annihilate the beast he must upgrade his powers. To do this, he must inject spheres into his body. Every time this is done, Cole becomes rejuvenated and empowered. He can take advantage of new melee attacks with a new weapon to showcase and it’s like having a sword of colossal power, or a really big dagger that will kill anything. Well, maybe not anything. It's specialty seems to be hearts coated in black."

From there you need to describe what the heck "hearts coated in black" are.

Anyway, hopefully all this is encouraging rather than discouraging. Your enthusiasm intrigues and draws me and I think is a force that could serve you well in writing, if only you lock down a bit and better support your points.

Note to gamers: when someone shoots you in the face, they aren't "gay." They are "psychopathic."

Some good points here, Zipp. I'd like to expand on that just a little. There is a sort of...stilted method to your writing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but as Zipp said, try using the commas less and think of sentences as proclamations. What are you proclaiming in this sentence? I both deeply enjoy AND loathe reading your reviews for reasons entirely different. The mastery of the adjectives and such is wonderful. The manner in which you patch them together leaves a little to be desired. You could easily be one of my favorite writers here with a bit of polish.

"Nowadays, people know the price of everything and the value of nothing"

*Oscar Wilde*

To follow up on Miyamoto-san's point, once you get periods and comma use down, start looking at how stacatto your sentences tend to be. "Cole is back. Zeke is back to help him. They gain powers. They fight to save the city." This goes along with the expansion point I made earlier. Don't just add commas to make longer sentences, add more depth to your sentences.

Of course, I haven't seen you check in on these comments so maybe we're writing these tips into the aether.

Note to gamers: when someone shoots you in the face, they aren't "gay." They are "psychopathic."

I'll take on board what you are saying.. Maybe i just write without looking at the bigger picture. I put my heart and soul into my writing, i try to refine my skills every time i put my fingers to the keyboard. Sometimes i stray away from points, i know. Maybe a write to quick without taking a breath. I feel my writing is good, i use metaphors to add diversity and style, maybe i do add to many adjectives. I will get better and will follow my dreams. I only started writing games reviews a few months ago, my true skills lie in music reviewing, and poetry.

My books are up on the kindle KDP website. My new poetry book War Eyes, is under development.

I signed up to this website so i could meet people with collective minds. And i have. i have read some amazing reviews here, and when i read, it makes me want to write. The talent here is colossal.

I hope i can walk into that bracket, and show my true skills.

Thank You.







I write to kill of the aftertaste of bad emotions.

Life Is A Short Circuit Of Self Realization

Are you a non-native english speaker?

Note to gamers: when someone shoots you in the face, they aren't "gay." They are "psychopathic."

I'm from Scotland.

Life Is A Short Circuit Of Self Realization