Forums > Contributor Zone > Because We Hate You: RESLUTS!!!

NOW WITH ACTUALLY TELLING YOU WHO GOT WHAT! Our bad.

Foreword by EmP:

I'm a pioneer and Boo's riding my coattails like a tiny goblin-like creature [editor's note: OGC]. Because We Hate You is a twisted concoction of my pure love for our shared craft and his deepest desires to see you all dead. We want you to write, but we want you to suffer. Mainly, we wanted to do something different, and we did. Thanks for playing the games we gave you to those who turned up. To those who no showed, you're rubbish writers anyway, and we're glad we didn't have to read your crap.

Love and hate. It's a theme!

But! We're not content to simply throw a new tourney at you. I'm revolutionary, after all! You will get your blasted feedback, but, rather than get two run-downs from individuals, we got together and stopped slagging off Doom 3 just long enough [editor's note: it's dreadful] to work through the review list and discuss each entry in depth, with pure hearts and open minds. We liked how it turned out, and hope you do, too; it gave us both the chance to argue for your case on points we liked, or damn them to Hades for the bits we didn't. It was a huge pain in the arse to arrange thanks to Boo's inferior time zone [editor's note: don't make us liberate you], so your gratitude best be as deep as our displayed love!

However, for those of you feeling traditional, we're willing to back-track and offer more expected feedback upon request. Just ask, and we'll get right on the case.

I'm glad we did this tourney, and I appreciate the work of those who entered and seriously grafted. Though we were harsh at points, don't take it to heart: in a lot of cases, we damned you with our choice of game but I think those of you who where challenged the most preformed the best. I want you all to take on board the impact writing outside your comfort zone can have on your works. And next time you turn your nose up at reviewing an unfamiliar genre. even the 'dull' ones like puzzles or sports, I want you to consider the very serious possibility that you're stunting your own growth [editor's note: eventually he'll remember he's just talking about reviewing videogames].

That's what I wanted to say in this tourney. That and we hate you. Thanks for playing!

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The scores are in boo/EmP order, if you couldn't gather.

Ben: A Sound of Thunder

Very good. The “you're a statistic” line was great. We both really liked it, but to slightly different degrees. I thought it was a bit rote in places, like when you're discussing box pushing puzzles; EmP thought it tried too hard in places, but that this was vastly preferable to not trying hard enough. He liked that the comparisons between the game and the movie were non-invasive, they kept it light and not overbearing. I'd agree with that. He also says it's not very rusty at all, especially considering you've been out of the game for a while. It was a convincing and well written review I thought, I had a few niggles but in general it worked well. 84/84.

BigCJ: Guardian of Darkness

To clarify, I was actually being snarky to Genj for quitting over the fact that he didn't like his game haha, not telling you that scores under 5/10 exist. Good last line, haha. Anyway, this was a solid effort. EmP's right when he says bashing suits you, you pick the game apart pretty well. It's a bit formulaic, though—both of us are almost at a loss for things to say since it's just such a solid but unnoteworthy bash review, though if the lack of a substantial critique here bothers you don't hesitate to let us know and we'll try a bit harder to pin it down. Props for getting by with what turned out to be so little, though, and it worked pretty well. I know I said you'd get all Genj's points as a bonus, but I was going to give him a 0 anyway. Sorry. 75/75.

Cairo: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

Great tagline. For my money you're probably the best writer on this site, and I'm not just saying that to suck you off since we're buddies. That's what kills me about this review—it's still written incredibly well, but as a review, it's an absolute mess. All it did was go "holy shit the Tanker is awesome Tanker Tanker Tanker Tanker, oh but an arm talks 2/10". There's so much more to bash in MGS2 than the superficial “Talking arm! Rollerskating fatty! Raiden LOL!” Like how the gameplay is borderline broken considering that all you ever have to do is headshot the retarded guards with your silenced pistol the moment you walk into a room. I probably would've enjoyed that longer version a lot more even if it was flat. EmP felt the same way despite never playing it. He didn't like how you say the talking arm is only 5% of what is wrong, then ignore the other 95%. He also thought even with the “oh shit, I forgot to bash the game” ending it still read like an 8/10. The writing is great, it just doesn't even come remotely close to saying what you want it to say. Sorry. 58/48.

Crazyreyn: Cannon Fodder

This was probably the surprise of the contest, at least for me. I've never read any of your reviews before and then after reading this I agreed with EmP that you should review more, haha. It made me want to give the game a try, and EmP liked the Sensible Soccer name-drop since apparently that's a rad game too. Neither of us has much to say in particular, it was just a great and enthusiastic review that really made its point well. The Rambo with ants line rocked, and the gravestones thing sounded cool. Possible nitpicks... it could have used an example or two of those puns, and also a final proofread for typos. Still, you took a basic game and ran with it. Great shit. 89/87.

Credit Card: Appleseed

This was one of the few we really split on, EmP found it a solid read and though I hate to be the bastard judge for once, it completely rubbed me the wrong way. The lines like calling certain anime fans dolts made it feel more akin to a 4chan troll post in my head, like timrod amplified tenfold, though the analysis itself isn't bad. The “I'm too lazy to dodge that shit” when it came to bullets struck me the wrong way too. EmP, on the other hand, thought it was a good way to show that the game just isn't dangerous enough, that you're simply too lazy to dodge the bullets. He doesn't disagree that the writing is a bit juvenile, but he thought that it worked and that this was an effective enough bash. Maybe I'd agree if only it were toned down a bit, go check out my AWFUL Contra Advance review (if I haven't taken it down, but it's probably up on GameFAQs still) if you want to see where that sort of thing leads you. 59/72.

Dagoss: Gleylancer

Didn't know what to expect since I've never read any of your reviews before, but I liked this one a lot, it was a light and entertaining read that made its point really well. Personally your use of strikeouts was awesome and made me chuckle every time, though EmP thought you overdid it. If there's anything I myself would pick it, it's that it feels like it's running out of steam toward the end, and EmP thought the same thing. As if you finished up writing and then went “oh shit, I forgot to talk about graphics and sound!” even though you really don't have to (and those 1337ness/cat lines were clunkers too :P). The information isn't useless or anything, but would be better worked into the bulk of the review than kind of tacked on at the end. EmP also thought it dragged in places, as in you made your point and then instead of moving on, kept running it into the ground. Still, I liked this one a lot and though not as much, EmP enjoyed it too. 83/76.

One other thought, in chat excerpt form:

bluberry: "racist" should be xenophonic
bluberry: *xenophobix
bluberry: *xenophobic
bluberry: FUCK THIS KEYBOARD

Darketernal: Shadowrun

The third of the three pleasant surprises. This one was a great read, it was funny (who doesn't have a gnome fetish?) and really made me want to give Shadowrun a try. You balance the good with the bad perfectly and I can totally see why it got an 8/10, and considering I didn't mind the grinding in No More Heroes very much, I definitely want to give this game a shot. What kept you from edging out Leroux on my card was occasional bits of awkward writing (that “All in all” should have been a “But” or something). What kept you from it on EmP's was that he knows more about the game and thought you needed to discuss the fantasy elements a bit more, which I can see, since your review didn't even give me the impression that there were any. Still, I really liked this one. 90/91.

Espiga: Namco x Capcom

EmP likes that you tackled a big, complex game in a week where so many whiners couldn't do anything with much simpler fare in two months. Anyway, this was solid, not either of our favorites but a good look at the game that I would've been happy to come across if I was looking to know about the game. We each had issues—I thought you made the lack of character diversity sound worse than you meant to, EmP wanted to hear more about how the tie-ins actually worked in the story—but it told us what it needed to and made parts of it like the way the combat works compared to other SRPGs sound really cool. Like, if they were tied into the plot of if it was more "Look, by the bush -- it's a Chun Li! Throw the pokeball!" The Nippon Ichi comparison was a bit lost on me, but I can't complain since it wouldn't be to anybody in this game's target audience. Hate to skew the critique so negative though, because I really did like this. In a nutshell: good, though could have been fleshed out further. 79/80.

Leroux: R-Shark

-5 for EmP bashing. Prototypical Leroux, but prototypical Leroux is some of the best reviewing to be read. You took a very different approach to the “generic shmup” aspect of the game than Dagoss and it worked out great, mostly because you're such a good writer. If this review were any better I'd probably have to just shut up praising it and blow you. EmP pointed out that you did a good job explaining the weird bullet problem too, it would have been easy to assume that the reader understands it too soon and leave us confused but you didn't. We both had a few nitpicks—I thought “utilize” was an incredibly jarring word choice on par with me dropping “fucking shit cockers” in the middle of an otherwise seriously written piece, EmP thought the conclusion could have been stronger—but by a tiny margin, this was our favorite. Good work. 91/86.

Overdrive: Cyberdreams

-100 for admitting to IDDQD abuse. This was still a good review though, I really enjoyed reading it and we both agree you did a lot with what in retrospect might not have been the best of picks for you to write about. The Plutonia comparison was incredibly effective to me who played it, and it worked for EmP too even though he (shamefully) hasn't. He's the Doom equivalent of hipster kids with Chrome bags and fixie bikes who've never even spent a day messing. A few off bits, though, the "run, click, run, click" line stopped working once you started tacking shit onto it like "make a drink, play the next level". Still, while not the best read ever or anything, you did an effective job of explaining how this game worked and why it didn't turn out so great. Plus, props for avoiding the trap with mods where you assume familiarity, I think it's much better than my take on Alien Vendetta for that reason. -14/81.

Sportsman: STALKER

EmP is a bastard and thinks that the best thing about this review is that there's a picture of a Cacodemon from Doom in the “while you're here” window. Then you realize how much he loves Cacodemons and realize that saying this doesn't make him a bastard after all. Personally, it was representative of what I've always thought were your best and worst traits when it came to reviewing. You're good at picking apart why a game works, but sometimes have a bit of trouble transcribing it. This was one of those times to me, unfortunately. Bit disorganized, if anything, as it never felt like you had much of a reason for putting the review together the way you did—which adds up, considering you admitted to not putting much effort in. EmP thought pretty similarly about it, but also found it more formulaic than I did. He also thought that comparing something's depth to Deus Ex is a bit unfair (though I disagree if it's a game like STALKER or BioShock that's trying to be as deep). 74/60

Timrod: Umihara Kawase

Not your best, but also not your worst. I know I've said this before but I think you'd be a great reviewer if you started proofreading and also if you stopped letting yourself get carried away, but this review doesn't get carried away very much and so I like it. You're good at picking apart why games don't work, and that shows here, you took what sounded like a cool game (without calling it retarded and dumb, which would have been overdoing it) and just discussed what didn't work about it. EmP agreed, though he's a bit more underwhelmed by the roughness and gave the nod to WQ's more polished piece over this. He thought it was kind of disjointed and occasionally clunky... or, in other words, that you really just needed to proofread it again and maybe reorganize it a bit. Still, good analysis and good read. 78/70.

Usurper: Square no Tom Sawyer

I personally liked this review more than EmP did, but it still wasn't your strongest work by any means. We were tossing around words like “serviceable” and “generic” for the first part, and it was fairly informative, but incredibly dry. EmP pointed out that it felt like you were just running down what he had to run down to get a tourney pick in. I'm more inclined to not mind that sort of thing, but I'd definitely agree; most of the review felt like you were going through the motions, particularly with lines like “characters are large and detailed; settings are luscious and imaginative.” I liked the bit at the end myself, but he thought it was superfluous and overdone, and that it got in the way of talking about the game itself. Anyway, while this is one of the few we split on, we'd both certainly agree that you've done and can do better. 68/52.

Vorty: Zaxxon Motherbase 2000

Not bad. The jokes on this were good, though you've always had good ones (Viking dating service still cracks me up). Anyway, while I didn't mind it and thought it made its points fairly well, it read incredibly rough to me—I feel bad saying this since I know you've always kind of struggled with it seeming like you don't care even though you do, but to be honest it still just reads like you, you know, don't care. Things like, as EmP pointed out, some word over-use, or that triple question mark. He agreed about the cleverness but was also more bothered by the roughness. Still, as a review it does its job and it's a pretty good read, so it's not like I'm knocking it or anything. Solid effort. 75/73.

Wolfqueen: Musashi no Bouken

Good job, buddy. Research impresses EmP, just like Sportsman (Was it? Could've been Vorty.) researching the fact that vikings were also farmers way back. To me, this review was informative but a bit dry; I'm sure I've let on when giving you feedback on a couple of your other reviews that your writing can strike me as a bit too formal at times, or just a bit awkward in places. Still, it did its job of actually telling us about the game better than some other masterfully written pieces have (sorry, Cairo) so I can't be at all harsh on it. EmP agreed almost entirely, though thought you could have played up the wackiness you mention a bit better, and also that you shouldn't have fixed the breast/beast typo. Because he is a pervert. 78/73.

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FINAL TALLY!

Just kidding, OD and Leroux.

1.) Leroux (91 + 91 = 182)
2.) Darketernal (90 + 91 = 181)
3.) Reyn (89 + 87 = 176)
4.) Ben (84 + 84 = 168)
5.) Overdrive (86 + 81 = 167)
6.) Dagoss/Espiga TIE (83 + 76 = 159)/(79 + 80 = 159)
8.) Wolfqueen (78 + 73 = 151)
9.) BigCJ (75 + 75 = 150)
10.) Timrod/Vorty TIE (78 + 70 = 148)/(75 + 73 = 148)
12.) Sportsman (74 + 60 = 134)
13.) Credit Card (59 + 72 = 131)
14.) Usurper (68 + 52 = 120)
15.) Cairo (58 + 48 = 106)

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Thanks to everybody who participated, as I alluded to in a couple of the critiques there were some nice surprises here. Particularly, at least to me, Dagoss, Reyn, and Darketernal. Sorry to my pals. Apparently EmP is a better friend if Ben and Darketernal are vying for the lead and the only guy I know to even crack my top five is OD.

Finally, she may be over 50 but Siouxsie Sioux is a hottie and I would let her do terrible things to me. Just putting that out there.

-boo

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Oh no, it's a Goomba!

Thanks judges for the nice critiques and all. Congrats to Leroux on his victory.

I always sub my worst possible work for contests (except for Gate of Thunder, which is a fantastic review), so I can't say I'm surprised by my placing. I also agree with the verdict entirely. I can do much better when I feel like it. Outside of Gate of Thunder, I never feel like it when I enter a competition. Maybe I should stop entering in these things!

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I don't have to boost my review resume because I have real resume.

Consider it's boobius I'm 88% sure the typo was deliberate.

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At 9:55:00 PM MST on April 5th, 2005, Venter finally defeated Phantom!

:3

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Oh no, it's a Goomba!

Congratulations to everyone!

I'd like to point out that it's a Dagoss/Espiga tie; not Espiga/Dagoss. Just so everyone's clear.

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I'd like to thank myself, and solely myself, simply because my game was really lame. The -least- the judges could have done was let me win. Seriously, they handicapped me with a Korea only release. KOREA. I hate both these men.

Perhaps I'd have some nice words for the competition, but there was never a link topic, so I really don't know what the fuck I beat. But good work anyway!

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Congrats to Leroux and everyone else in this and thanks to the judges for their hard work. My review definitely was a half-assed effort. I'm not really inspired to write anything thoughtful at the moment and figured that it's better for me to write something mediocre than to be one of many who didn't show up for this thing.

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IF YOU WANT MORE BEATS FOR YOUR BUCK THERE'S NO LUCK.

At first I thought "resluts" was a typos until I looked closely, and realized Boo was the one you posted it.

Congrats to those who scored well, and my apologies once again for dropping out. I'll probably wind up reviewing Fahrenheit anyway just for kicks.

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You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it.

Since it doesn't really jump out at you skimming the topic, I want to reiterate: we're totally cool on giving you a more detailed/lengthy commentary if any of you would like one. These ended up coming out real short when we put our thoughts together and we don't want anyone to feel jipped, next time we'll probably do the same thing but try to work it out better so that we're going more in-depth. Again, don't hesitate to ask here (or on AIM, or over HG Mail, but preferably not by carrier pigeon) if you'd like elaboration.

Haha, I didn't realize there was no link topic, Leroux. And the contest topic got quite messy with some people not even linking (or even posting). I'll edit in links to the results in a little while to make this easier to follow and to let other people have an idea of what's going on, good point. I hope/think you're just dicking with the first part of that post, almost everybody got shitty games. Because we hate you.

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Oh no, it's a Goomba!

Thanks for the critiques and I'm fairly pleased with getting fifth out of 15, especially since I only spent enough time with this game to get a fair grasp on what it's about (ie: using level skip codes to see most of them and little more outside the first few) and then playing Doom wads I like to wash the taste of that one out of my mouth.

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I'm not afraid to die because I am invincible
Viva la muerte, that's my goddamn principle

I think that might be why you gave it a 4 and not the 6-ish I would then. I 100% agree with the text of your review and wouldn't change my score if I knew you didn't beat it, but it does have some really clever moments which I tried to hint at in my screens (but it's hard). Like the one with the narrow, winding bridge you can't go too fast on or you'll fall, but you can't slowly cross or else you'll get blown to hell.

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Oh no, it's a Goomba!

It kind of feels like half a review doesn't it? Pawning off the project was kind of a dick move but I've gotta admire how you killed like three birds with one stone.

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A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself. -Tom Stoppard

haha, I offered in the HG Mail to keep the "project" idea intact (and this time I actually had time, hooray temporary unemployment) but just assumed you didn't believe me after the last 10+ times I flaked and would just go at it yourself.

:( sorry. though if you're gunning for a 2/10 I think we would have killed each other over creative differences either way.

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Oh no, it's a Goomba!

Sorry about the no show. I guess it just isn't time for my SUPER AWESOME COMEBACK review. God, I don't know how I used to play Jedi Knight with a freaking mouse and keyboard. It was impossible when I tried to play it a month ago.

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I can avoid death by not having a life.

This message was deleted at the request of Crazyreyn, the person who originally posted it.

Wow! Didn't expect to do this well. Thank you! Gives me motivation to get on with more reviews (currently on a slight stall). Could you explain 'it could have used an example or two of those puns' by the way? Meaning that the puns should go along with explaining the gameplay a little more?

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Crazy since 2003

Thanks for the feedback and the decent scores, judges. I'm quite surprised by my high placement--I think that's the best I've done individually. It certainly helps confidence-wise.

I see where both of you come from when you mention the faults you saw in my review. The puzzles section does seem very generic looking back on it (as well as one or two other places), and I did probably try too hard in places to make my review more interesting to read. Being dull was one of the concerns I initially had. I'm glad, though, that you liked the "You're a statistic" line. Because I like it, too.

Anyway, thanks again, and congrats to everyone else who managed to submit something.

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...

That might be true, but I don't know. Like I'd told you before, Cybers are kind of boring for me -- even if you have to find inventive ways to kill them and I think even the most innovatively designed level in that wad would have been horrifically tedious for me after playing any number of other ones. I started skipping through the levels after I'd gotten through the first three, started the fourth (where there's a Cyber on a ledge and you have to run up a few seperated platforms to get to a switch or something) and realized I just couldn't do this game straight-up (or as straight-up as IDDQD permits) anymore.

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I'm not afraid to die because I am invincible
Viva la muerte, that's my goddamn principle

Reyn: nah man, just when you mentioned that the level names were all puns or something along those lines, it would have worked in your favor to toss in an example or two.

OD: fair enough, I've certainly said my piece on Cyberdemon abuse before. I think I'm ready to go ahead and call Hell Revealed shit, that "cream of the crap" comment I left with my Alien Vendetta rating is looking more and more true by the pwad.

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Oh no, it's a Goomba!

Well, I'm not going to pretend I'm not disappointed, but that's how things go, I guess.

I'd actually felt pretty good about this one. Felix said he thought it was one of my best, and so I actually got some cofidence in it.

Ah, well. This is why I pretend like my stuff sucks. At any rate, I'd appreciate more thorough feedback even if it's not entirely flattering (live and learn, right? >_>). Plus I'm feeling vindictive and want to make you both do extra work. =P

Anyway, congrats to everyone else who did better than me; you deserve it. I'll have to go through and read all your reviews for that - the ones I haven't. Congrats to those who didn't do so well, too; at least you participated. (I hope that doesn't sound patronizing)

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What espiga does in his free time
[Eating EmP's brain] probably isn't a good idea. I mean... He's British, which means his brain's wired for PAL and your eyes are NTSC. - Will

Thanks to Boo for the ranking and Emp for stabbing me in the back and taking that one, precious point away from me.

Still, good show.

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Idemo do dna....tugo ti i ja.

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