Forums > Submission Feedback > Zpardi's Dragon Age 2 review

Hi there, and welcome! Your review shows off some very good writing, but I thought I might impart some friendly advice: try to make more/smaller paragraphs.

In general, when readers see huge blocks of text, their initial reaction is to skip the review, which in this case, would be particularly unfortunate.

I don't have to prove I'm refined - that's what makes me refined!

Yeah dude break up those paragraphs. I read it in ms word and broke the paragraphs up myself (actually broke the first one up into four separate paragraphs) and it read much smoother.

It was actually a very good review. A little rough around the edges and on the long side but a good read nonetheless.

IF YOU WANT MORE BEATS FOR YOUR BUCK THERE'S NO LUCK.

:) ..it's written in a clever text-editor that display the first line-break as a paragraph (Word, etc). So when copied, the breaks are two spaces, but the paragraphs will just be one newline. ..aah, the wonders of whitespace-trailing..

..could try exporting it to text first. Will probably keep the formatting then.

Couple of things:
"We are all doomed. And you know what?"
maybe...
We are all doomed, because you know... -> it feels great, etc.

"sidequests still offer the player the ability to change their outcomes depending"
..when you hear me complaining about too many side-sentences, and resolutions to hanging prepositions after the third and fourth - then you know it probably is a bit too much :p

"gritty feel of the universe. The somewhat underwhelming main quest line is buoyed an absolutely fantastic range"
..this was a perfect opportunity for a "meanwhile", or even a semicolon.

But I like your focus on the narrative, and using that to critique the game very consciously. It's a good review.

Could maybe make it even more effective, if you presented the review without the meta-introduction..? The punchline.. "we're all doomed".. really is enough to explain the "controversy". And whatever your opinion, I think that paragraph would be more exciting if you hadn't been given the summary of the review-plot on beforehand.

But... good review. :D I hate your opinion, and wish the blight on you and your family, obviously. But that was a good review.

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Hello, thanks for your advice, I'll keep that in mind for next time.

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