Forums > Submission Feedback > EmP's Winter Voices -- Chapter One: Avalanche review

The game isbeautiful in many ways - Add "is" here?

musical choices that fits almost every situation

This needs some cleaning up. "a girl you need to design from the ground up, blessing here with typical skill like those of s hunter, atypical ones that com with the normalised job of a weaver or the ethereal ones that come with being a storyteller."

"But whet’s what she’s really fighting is the desire to just give up; to curl up in a corner and die." Add what and remove the other?

"then you’ll get right back to wandering around until you set foot outside on hut not unlike the half dozen before them, and find yourself in another battle." Maybe "on" should be "a"

Overall not to bad. I felt the review could use another once over. You made some interesting points and I wonder if there was so much text because this is the first chapter.

Age is a condition not a state of mind.

Urgh -- how did I miss that? Thanks for pointing them out. Those -- and others -- now fixed.

Sadly, I'm under no illusion that it's not wordy because it's the opening chapter, but is so because the developer loves the sound of their own droning hyperbole. Here's hoping Chapter 2 hires an editor.

For us. For them. For you.

I will say:

"Dialogue serves only to repeat itself endlessly, patting itself on the back for every overly-loquacious pseudo-intellectual phrase that soon stops flirting with being pretentious and dives in feet first."

This right here ultimately convinced me to not bother with the game. The rest was icing on the cake, and the battle system sounds pretty yawn-inducing. Thank you for preventing me from possibly wasting money and/or hard drive space on this game.

The only thing my milkshake brings to the yard is a subpoena.