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Forums > Submission Feedback > marter's Twisted Metal: Head On - Extra Twisted Edition review

This thread is in response to a review for Twisted Metal: Head On - Extra Twisted Edition on the PlayStation 2. You are encouraged to view the review in a new window before reading this thread.

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Author: aschultz
Posted: July 29, 2010 (04:49 PM)
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Hello and welcome--I've seen your contributor page, so you've written reviews before, but I never saw this one. I hope it's not too patronizing to say that you'll do even better eliminating some mistakes that'll vanish with experience, if you want to continue review writing. I really enjoyed some parts, like the 2nd last paragraph talking about why/how the game was created.

I have some proofreading stuff which hopefully shows your review was worth looking at in detail. Feel fre to edit, or ignore the advice.

"I'm going to start off this review by saying that" isn't necessary--as it's tautologically true. E.g. we can see it is the start of the review.

additions; it -> additions, it

critical with it -> critical of it

Perhaps the 2nd paragraph assumes too little of what the gamer knows. I think you're circling around the right idea of "It's Mario Kart with ..."

Also, you repeat a sentence "The gameplay, first and foremost, is really fun." "The gameplay is simple, but really quite fun." Perhaps--"For a game where you just wipe out a bunch of bosses and forget plot, TM2 is fun while it lasts." I get the sense Paragraph 2 can be shortened to make way for the well done paragraph 3--or even flipped with paragraph 3. Generally, we like to know what the game is about pretty quickly, and the mechanics can wait or be described in a sentence or two unless they're unusual.

I might also look to sharpen sentences like "Some of them look very nice, while others are blander, but still serve their purpose." The way I look at my writing when I re-read it is to pretend someone I hate wrote it and try and give myself any excuse to shut/shout them down. I get rid of a lot of weaker sentences that way, and often with the space I save I'm able to throw in a new idea or two I thought I didn't have room for.

My principal said, 'Emo, Emo, Emo.'
I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!'
-- Emo Phillips

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