Forums > Submission Feedback > wolfqueen001's Fantasy Wars review

Nice work this week, Furry Face. I suppose I will have to write something new to combat it. I have something in mind, though, so don't worry.

And though this is probably unethical or at the very least poor strategy for me, I did want to point out a few things I noticed:

I frequently grow impatient or bored with oppressively difficult action titles like Contra, but when I play games that actually require you to think,

I would go with "actually require me to think". That shift is sort of jarring.

Therefore, by the time you’ve got...

Maybe one of my weird quirks, but lead-ins like therefore and anyways stand out in a negative way. The sentence, I think, would be just as strong if you just started with "By".

The only way to pass over water safely without the necessary skill, is to cross a bridge.

You could go without the comma on this one, or you could put another one after safely. It just depends on how you want to say it, but I would recommend removing them altogether.

Now that you’re playing as the enemy, you’ll have to reverse everything you learned as the humans in order to succeed. And because it’s the second campaign, the missions are even more mentally taxing. You’ll find that to succeed

I really like the description but I would be wary about putting succeed twice, at least so close together.

One more thing I wanted to mention, and I hope you don't think me rude for saying this but I would have liked to see a little more emotion in the third and fourth paragraphs. You do a great job of describing what a gamer would face in Fantasy Wars but how did they make you feel? Was it frustrating or captivating when you battled the pterodactyls and could only use certain methods to take them down? Did you lost heart when your strongest warriors were killed so quickly and easily?

That's just me personally, though.

The rest of it is outstanding, and the pressure is definitely on me now. Though, Team Eye Of The Tiger, don't worry. I will rise to the occasion.

If I Offended You, You Needed It.

This is more easily done if you strike them so hard that they break, a condition that automatically makes them flee, significantly reduces their combat effectiveness, and can only be healed through resting.

Run-on sentence.

I don't mind these kinds of run-on sentences. What you're trying to communicate comes across fine. That being said, if you swap the first comma out for a colon or dash, you'll be doing better.

I don't have to prove I'm refined - that's what makes me refined!

Thanks guys! Yeah, I agree with a lot of these, so I'll be taking a good look at all of this. Anything that can cause confusion is top priority, so I'll try and fix that first. (Though, really, when I edit it, it'll all be edited at once, haha.)

I will try to elaborate on some of the things that stood out to me here, though. I don't really know why I did it (I guess it was a repetition issue on my part), but I decided to substitute "unit" or any other word for "stack" at certain points in the review as I was writing. In retrospect, the word itself could easily lead to confusion, especially since it's not the most appropriate or accurate way to describe the way things work. I guess I primarily did so to try and differentiate between wounded and killed somehow, and also show that I'm talking about the individual unit, but it doesn't really work. The game itself explains it in a different way, but that's also kind of confusing to explain in a review. (Basically they say that each of your individual troops consists of smaller bodies within it that represent the unit's overall health. Kind of like a platoon/battalion sort of thing. It's not the easiest thing to translate into a review). In any case, I'll definitely change that. if I turn out repetitive, I'd rather have that penalty than confusion.

As for the "splitting forces" vs. the "keeping everyone together" thing, it genuinely is better to keep your army together, but sometimes mission prerogatives and time make splitting a necessary evil. I guess I'll try to get that across better.

As for emotional writing in this review, I struggled with that throughout, so I'm not surprised to see that issue raised. Truth be told, it's hard to express any feelings I had while playing except those dealing with the strain of the thinking process as I tried to determine the next and best course of action. That's not to say I was never really excited while playing the game, just that it's hard to convey that into words since it's not really a game that produces that kind of emotion in volume. It's more of a prolonged kind of feeling, like the sense of satisfaction after success. I'll look into it, but I'm not going to sweat the issue this time if I can't do anything about it. Truth be told, I really don't know that employing a direct emotional touch would genuinely be that appropriate here.

I suppose that's odd to hear coming from me, since I try to be an emotional writer, but sometimes it just isn't always possible.

Anyway, thanks again for the insight. I really appreciate it.

[Eating EmP's brain] probably isn't a good idea. I mean... He's British, which means his brain's wired for PAL and your eyes are NTSC. - Will

I have never heard of this game, but you do make it sound good. Mayhap I shall try it.

For us. For them. For you.

XD Yes, perhaps you should. =P

Thanks!

Anyway, I fixed everything that looked genuinely wrong and/or that could be made to sound better (i.e. less awkward / contradictory). It should be stronger now.

[Eating EmP's brain] probably isn't a good idea. I mean... He's British, which means his brain's wired for PAL and your eyes are NTSC. - Will