Forums > Submission Feedback > bigcj34's Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 review

Okay, Big C, I'm gonna get down and dirty with ya. After reading your Sonic 2 review, I have high expectations for your growth as a writer, and I'm going to take just your first paragraph here and show you how it could be better. As usual, your points and pacing are great, your sentence structure is not.

Here we go.



Sentence 1
"Tony Hawk’s is probably one of the most ubiquitous franchises of the last decade, appearing on every format that has ever been made since opening the world’s eyes to skateboarding PlayStation in 1999."

First of all, this is quite a mouthful. Read it out loud. It doesn't make any sense when it's this long, it just becomes a jumble of words. So our first task is to reduce sentence size.

Now, what are we trying to say here? It seems that you are trying to say that Tony Hawk's is everywhere, or as you actually write, is ubiquitous with gaming. So just say that. Cut everything else out, it's just repetitive fluff, and you're left with:

"Tony Hawk is probably one of the most ubiquitous franchises of the last decade."

Now, that's not a very interesting sentence. And it's not very strong either. It makes a general point and it doesn't even make it with bravado. It sounds unsure of itself. So we're gonna make some more changes, give it some personality, and we're gonna remove that "probably." Probably is a terrible word for reviews. It means you either didn't do your research or you're afraid someone's gonna call you out. Never say probably when making a point.

I also want to personify this a bit. Now that might not be your style, but check out what it does:

"Tony Hawk has skated his way onto every gaming platform since the PS1."

Okay, bam, first sentence done. It's shorter, it's simpler, and it's a little bit more lively. We'll be coming back to it, though, but let's move on for now.

Sentence 2
"But after having enjoyed Tony Hawk’s games on the PS2 and even a bash on the Xbox 360, going back to attempt the third rendition from eight years ago was a severe retrograding fest when each annual Tony Hawk game is designed to be built upon the last."

Alright, another big run on sentence made up of a jumble of words that don't really make sense when thrown together. You mention the Ps2, a bash, a third rendition, eight years ago, a design goal... there's too much here for us to really get what the sentence is about.

Now, reading it, I think your strongest point here is that it was hard to go back and enjoy an old Tony Hawk game when the new ones make so many improvements to the design. So, let's focus on that. Keeping with our personification we started in the last sentence, we end up with something like this:

"However, the eight year old Tony Hawk 3 proves it is much easier to skate forwards than it is to go backwards."

Sentence 3
"Sure, I’ve gone back to playing other favourites on my PSone, but playing an early game sorely missing on since-added features with basic graphics is a severe dive into austere-gaming."

This doesn't run on so badly, but read it out loud. Can you do it? It's like a tongue-twister with all those hyphens and comnmas and spliced sentences. And what does it mean to take a "severe dive into austere-gaming?" I mean, I can work it out after a bit, but you want your point to be immediately clear.

And honestly... I don't think this sentence makes a point that isn't covered in your first two. It basically re-iterates that it's hard to play old games, though it admits you've done it before. That's not very powerful. Let's get rid of this altogether.

So, now we're left with two sentences to open your piece.

"Tony Hawk has skated his way onto every gaming platform since the PS1."

"However, the eight year old Tony Hawk 3 proves it is much easier to skate forwards than it is to go backwards."

I think we can jazz this up a little bit more, and connect the two sentences with some decent personal pro-nounage, to get this:

final sentence
"Tony Hawk has skated his way onto every gaming platform since the PS1, and I've been there with him. However, the eight year old Tony Hawk 3 proves it is much easier to skate forwards than it is to go backwards."

And there you have it. A concise, but clear, opening. It's all your points, and it's mostly your words. I just removed all the fat. That's just the first sentence in this piece, and honestly, most of the piece needs this treatment. But hopefully this has helped you to see where your reviews are failing. Read them out loud, fix up the length and fuzziness of your sentences, and you'll be a top-notch reviewer in no time. Because you have interesting things to say, and that I can't teach you.

Note to gamers: when someone shoots you in the face, they aren't "gay." They are "psychopathic."

OK. I'll have to look at that. I never read my reviews through enough. I think I string to many long sentences together. Always has been a problem with my college essays, mistakes are easier spotted with a fresh look through the next day.

There three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Like I've said numerous times, you have the hard stuff down. Now you just have to work on grammar and presentation.

Note to gamers: when someone shoots you in the face, they aren't "gay." They are "psychopathic."

Updated it. Thanks for putting the time in for a very thorough feedback, hopefully its better!

There three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.