Title: Editorial: ComiCare For The Nintendo DS
Posted: December 30, 2006 (08:18 PM)
Nearly every Nintendo DS game comes packaged with a Health and Safety Precautions Booklet, a multi-folded sheet of glossy paper detailing instructions on how to maintain your DS and protect yourself from seizures, eyestrain, and repetitive motion injuries. Yet hardly anyone reads it. And who would? Why read a monotonous list of warnings that exist primarily to prevent you from winning a lawsuit against Nintendo? Besides, there is a much more colorful and informative game manual on the side as well as a game cartridge ready to be snapped out of its plastic cage and into your hungry DS game slot.
But let us put our appetites aside and unfurl what this cautionary guide has to say… in at least one of three provided languages.
WARNING - Seizures
- Some people (about 1 in 4000) may have seizures or blackouts triggered by light flashes or patterns, such as while watching TV or playing video games, even if they have never had a seizure before.
As a Joystiq article notes, "That might not sound like much, but multiplied over tens of millions of video game players it adds up to thousands of people who are potentially susceptible." Given that 300,000,000 people live in the United States, this means 75,000 Americans experience such seizures. However, these photosensitive people almost certainly avoid video games in the first place, assuming that they have had seizures from watching television before ever playing a video game.
- Parents should watch when their children play video games.
Touché, Mr. Thompson.
- Stop playing and consult a doctor if you or your child has any of the following symptoms: Loss of awareness, disorientation, altered vision…
Game developers should be troubled to know that horrible camera controls are as dangerous as complete immersion and virtual reality. Bad, bad, bad developers.
- …eye or muscle twitching, convulsions…
Yes, any of these will cause me to stop playing. No consciousness required. As for consulting a doctor, I refuse. I refuse to admit I have a problem. Shut up.
- …involuntary movements.
Translation: Let your angry friend win.
- To reduce the likelihood of a seizure when playing video games:
Excuse me, sir, but I presume video games are meant to be seen…. and played.
WARNING - Battery Leakage
- If liquid leaking from a battery pack comes into contact with your eyes, immediately flush thoroughly with water and see a doctor.
Again, I refuse to see a doctor, even if it just so happens that the DS battery is leaking, and I just so happen to inspect it from underneath my face, and the battery just happens to spew enough fluid to form a droplet, and the droplet just happens to descend directly into my eye. In reality. No, not even then.
- Do not dispose of battery pack in a fire.
Trust me. Nothing happens. Fires are not that pretty. Stop fantasizing.
WARNING - Radio Frequency Interference
- Do not operate the Nintendo DS within 9 inches of a pacemaker while using the wireless feature.
This just in. Four seniors passed away last night at Lakeside Nursing Home. Officials say that the culprit is a serial killer named Pictochat, quote "This is not a game."
WARNING - Hardware Precautions / Maintenance
- Do not store the Nintendo DS in a humid place, on the floor or in any location where it may contact moisture, dirt, dust, lint, or other foreign material.
Living in a bubble isn't that bad.
- Hold plugs straight when inserting them into a socket.
… … … … …
- The LCD screens may be damaged by sharp objects or pressure.
So that's why knives can slit my wrists.
- To avoid dirt or dust from getting into the Nintendo DS, always leave a Game Card and Game Boy Advance Game Pak loaded (with the power off), when not in use.
Well, now you have a reason for all those times you had the wrong CD in one jewel case, and the right CD in another case, and the right CD for that case was in another case, and…
WARNING - Repetitive Motion Injuries and Eyestrain
- When using the stylus, you do not need to grip it tightly or press it hard against the screen. Doing so may cause fatigue or discomfort.
I'm sorry, but the vulgarity is too strong.
But in all seriousness, I hope you are able to take home some important information on how to protect yourself and your loved ones. Please tell your friends and family about the safety measures you have learned here today.
IF THIS PRODUCT WILL BE USED BY YOUNG CHILDREN, THIS MANUAL SHOULD BE READ AND EXPLAINED TO THEM BY AN ADULT. FAILING TO DO SO MAY CAUSE INJURY.
[And a waste of observational humor.]
Posted: December 30, 2006 (09:50 PM)
This will surprise no one, but I almost got my nose broke by playing a video game.
There was this tournament going on in this national chain of pubs for Tony Hawks 3. I won the one held at my local with such ease and by such a frankly embarrassing point-gap, that I thought it would be rude not to be an arrogant arse about it. Someone threw their XBox pad at me. Ironicaly, I was out of range of the wire, but the little safety catch broke and so it hit me in the face. Not an S Pad either, but a big meaty one.
I ended up winning the entire national tourney. Moral of the story is I'm a better Hawks player than you. You can get angry and smack me in the face, but it's true.
Posted: December 30, 2006 (10:28 PM)
After the controller hit you and you were bleeding, you should have explained that you had only his best interests in heart when you commenced the gloating. You should also have demanded an apology.