Title: Memories of GUTS: Drakengard
Posted: August 02, 2009 (11:41 AM)
Zig did one so I'll do one, too.
Sometime in 2004 reviewer Falshead wrote a retarded review for Drakengard that basically said the game is mediocre because of all the neat extra stuff it offers that puts it ahead of other games in the genre. Then GUTS wrote his own response to the review and used his version in the Team Tourney. He was part of the infamous Chaos Legion with captain Zig and Overdrive and this review was his only win of the tourney. Dark Fact, Fix, and Schultz were the judges. I'm not sure who he was up against (think it was Skinny Puppy but not 100%) but DF and Fix voted for it and ASchultz voted against it. It has become a cult classic around here.
Here it is!
Drakengard just plain fucking sucks, lets go ahead and get that out there and on the table so we can talk about it. Pretend Drakengard’s suckness is like your AIDS infested daughter. Let’s say her name is Sophie, and she has just told you she has an STD of the brain that makes her act like a stupid fucking snatch and talk out of her ass like an ass puppet. Now you’re gonna have to deal with it. And deal with it we will, but first I’ll get the good points out of the way.
This genre is love it or hate it. You either completely get why playing one man against hundreds of enemies, mashing your attack button until your thumb is sore, and leveling up weapons and your character over and over is insanely fun, or you find it monotonous and bash the genre. Drakengard adds to the mix by giving you free flying 3D shooting levels on the back of a dragon, and allowing you to jump on the back of the dragon while on the ground for some low altitude destruction. It also brings an insanely cool story, 70 different weapons, and that Square polish to the overall presentation.
The graphics are pretty good, which makes me feel a little better about Square-Enix mugging me for $40. The outdoor environments have you kicking ass through every type of terrain imaginable, save a jungle setting, and give the game enough variety so that continuously pounding soldiers into the ground really never gets old. Some look really good, some are mediocre, but all are leagues above stuff like Dynasty Warriors. The indoor environments are really nice looking and very consistently cool to explore, especially towards the end of the game when you explore the really big castles.
That’s all the good, now on to the TERRIBLE!
My reviewer’s obligation forced me to play through all 100% of this game. That’s 60% fun, 40% PURE GODAWFUL AGONY! Because, you see, this game has the audacity and the unmitigated GALL to give you not only five different endings, but over 70 weapons, intense action, and literally thousands upon thousands of enemies to kill! What a crock of shit! That’s like if God gave me six inches of boner, then he’s like “oh shit son, here’s a trinity of three more inches, blessedly go to town my holy little nigglet!” Fuck that!
Here’s the deal; everything was going great at first, I was cruising along, just lovin’ it McDonald’s style. The music was pumping hard, high pitched guitars wailing while kick drums rattled my apartment. Basically I was stoked like a Mexican with a fat, ugly white girlfriend. Then a horrible, horrible thing happened: I beat the fucking game! Here’s my exact thought process as I vocalized it on that dark, evil day (I generally always record myself playing games)-
Me- Whoa YEAH dogimus, this is the HIZZZEAT on REPEAT!
(sounds of hardcore weapon fighting in the background, buttons being mashed, me panting and singing some lyrics I made up to the background music)
Me- This must be the last boss! Hell yeah!
(a few more minutes of furious passion, then silence as I watch the ending)
Me- Huh, what the hell is this crap? That was only 70% of the game? YOU MEAN THEY INCLUDED 4 MORE ENDINGS THAT COMPLETELY RULE AND TONS MORE WEAPONS FOR ME TO FIND??!!!
(sounds of my controller being crammed in my dog’s anus)
Me- Oh my GOD, there’s even tons more new levels to play?!! GOD I HATE THIS GAME!!
My black neighbor- Yo yo yo, where da welfare office at nigga?
(sounds of phone number being dialed)
Me- Hello, animal control? Yeah I got a silverback here that needs tranquilizing.
That pretty much sums up my disgust with Drakengard. They ruined a perfectly good and awesome game by including all that extra stuff. Had they just stopped at the first generic and cheesy ending, I would have loved it! But no, they had to give me three more endings which progressively get cooler and cooler and completely fucked up (we’re talking giant man-eating babies being birthed from a city sized pregnant god fucked up), and one ending that is hilarious and a total surprise! Plus they practically FORCED me at gas powered dildo-point to find all the weapons just to get that fifth ending. And get this, the game was CHALLENGING but not too hard and never cheap. What the fucking hell?!
So basically if you want a game that gives you tons of fun, a kickass unique storyline with multiple endings that are completely different, two different game modes, 70 different weapons, and tons of replay value, then get Drakengard. But if you want a game that it is actually good, then don’t!
Posted: August 02, 2009 (03:27 PM)
That’s like if God gave me six inches of boner, then he’s like “oh shit son, here’s a trinity of three more inches, blessedly go to town my holy little nigglet!” Fuck that!
as darkfact would say, BAHA
Posted: August 05, 2009 (12:29 AM)
Wow, this guy is (was?) awesome.