Invalid characterset or character set not supported The allure of speedrunning Goldeneye





The allure of speedrunning Goldeneye
July 01, 2018

Euphorically casting aside his grand entrance as only a shallow precursor to the grandiosity he would soon endow us with, Sonic the Hedgehog casually, if begrudgingly, introduced us to his two-tailed flying fox friend with the hope that this so called “Tails” character would be just as endearing a sidekick as Luigi was to Mario. In many ways, he surpassed Luigi’s usefulness as he visibly raced with Sonic through blinding stage after blinding stage, always in tow and never far behind. Important for introducing us to the fastest duo ever assembled, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 would go beyond the marker its predecessor set because this second tour would exceed its original in every conceivable way.

Noted for its break-neck speeds followed by inconceivable stop-and-go platforming segments, the original Sonic the Hedgehog provided us with many fond memories but simply did not have the reach that its sequel would possess. Gone were many of the lumbering moments, such as the lava pit navigation sequences made infamous in Marble Zone. Gone, too, were annoyingly slow stretches in Labyrinth Zone and the pitiful build-up that led to an equally underwhelming finale. Replacing these shortcomings were a variety of worlds noted more for their graphical gusto than combative design. But if there was one thing that Sonic Team would forget about years later, it’s that Sonic the Hedgehog should be more about speed than battling.

That’s not to say that the places he progresses through aren’t dangerous. Though some would be considered “light” with enemy patrols, like the Chemical Plant Zone that would employ only a meager force of robotic spiders, that’s not to say that the fundamental level design failed to provide any challenge. In the second part of this monstrous mishmash of toxic tubes and looping pipeline, one particularly harrowing segment occurs as Sonic (with Tails gasping behind) must slow down to accurately jump from one block to another as a rising tide threatens to submerge our two heroes in aquatic death. Failure to land these jumps means a painful return to the bottom to try again, minimizing chances for a successful second ascent.

The platforming still feels loose, but it has been mitigated and the true name of the game still revolves around racing through each stage as quickly as possible. Rings in tow for a one-hit insurance policy against inconvenient spikes or nosy robot minions, it’s quite possible to blaze through every stage in a matter of seconds if you know how to navigate Sonic efficiently.

But at the same time, as exhilarating as it is to glide through every stage and watch in awe as the whole screen blurs by, it’s equally breathtaking to slow down and take in the scenery.

Who can forget the glitzy Las Vegas lights found in Casino Night Zone? Lighting up the entire inky night sky with their glowing radiance and pulsating warmth, this glorious assemblage of multi-colored light bulbs studded into larger-than-life casino slot machines and decked out elevators correlates into one of the most memorable locales to ever appear in a Genesis offering. The whole creation is so multi-layered and large that even an errant fall from your current path will only lead you to a slightly different route that’s just as gorgeous if not any longer.

Barring some unforeseen failure at the hands of the odd, shielded foe or Dr. R’s flimsy mine-layer, the next world leads into an experience opposite from the one just witnessed. Expansive caves – some even smoldering with lava, an ode to Marble Zone perhaps – and grassy knolls mark the outdoorsy Hill Top Zone just as bustle and bumble have defined Casino Night. But if there’s a difference here, a great segue from loud to quiet, it’s in that the former feels like a leisurely race and the latter feels like a harrowing one. In a grand twist of irony, the quieter level turns out to be the more challenging and enlivening one!

Using foes to seesaw atop higher cliffs and then riding vine gondolas into moldy caverns, housing metallic plesiosaurs and bats, this new area provides many more natural difficulties. At the same time, it’s also one of the more deliberate areas in the game, forcing Sonic to slow down almost to a biding halt at more than one juncture. And though we all realize that it’s far more fun when Sonic’s running rather than standing around, this lull in the adventure comes at the right time as the previous four worlds were fast and the next batch promise to shift back into warp drive 10!

Some of these worlds are admittedly not as enjoyable. I’ve never been a particular fan of the Mystic Cave Zone stages that follow Hill Top Zone, nor has even the Chemical Plant Zone constituted a spot into my personal play-list. But somehow, even though there’s an atypical lull here and a short-lived respite there, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 still manages to retain a lot of its fury even during the few lackluster segments because it flows together so well.

If you decide to go at it alone and without the aid of a friend, Tails will do his very best to keep up with Sonic, but his CPU brain will often select the wrong choice for him to make and he’ll CONSTANTLY fall to his five-second death. It’s comical in a cruel sense, and at times it can even be a little embarrassing. “C’mon, Tails, it’s only a small gap,” you’ll say as you witness the clumsy fox misjudge his jump and land into a bottomless pit. The little companion would be worthless as a single-player sidekick if it weren’t for his ring-grabbing abilities.

His inabilities are saved, though, by an even more deplorable act in Dr. Robotnik’s blunt and ineffective attacks. Meeting Sonic at the end of every world, he tends to follow a basic pattern by firing slow lasers or easy-to-dodge mines or some other sort of measly attack. It’s not until much later in the game when we get to witness a very tough battle against Metal Sonic do the boss encounters finally become as break-neck as they should be. Even then, a careful hoarding of at least one ring will always guarantee success through even the toughest battles.

Rings are everywhere, as they were in the original. Grabbing a lot of them now leads to different bonus rounds instead of the rotating carnival dream zones found in the first Sonic game. The sapphire hedgehog still has the same power-ups from before, too, such as power sneakers and a helpful shield. His only true upgrade has resulted in his ability to do a spin dash, a deadly maneuver that turns him into a slicing buzz saw that streaks across the screen, turning most foes into scrap metal and releasing cute, cuddly animals back into the wild.

Few instances are more satisfying than post-battle liberation scenes involving the release of countless critters from their cruel confinement. That same sort of charm is retained through the game’s graphical display and aural department, perfectly complimenting the solid mechanics that make Sonic 2 what it is.

In a perfect world, Tails would be wiser, Dr. Robotik would be tougher, and a few stages would be more interesting. The Chemical Plant Zone would abandon its bright yellows and eyesore grays for a more pleasing palette, and the Mystic Cave Zone would lose its ugly green and purple motif. By that same token, for every ugly design we have, an abundance of far more impressive ones await. For every lackluster encounter with Dr. Robotnik, a more fluid and fast display occurs down looping paths and corkscrewed ways. And for every instance where Tails shows how much of a fool he is, Sonic dictates his authority by simply appearing on screen.

For all of its little flaws, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is still my favorite Genesis title. Not even the glorious likes of M.U.S.H.A., the impregnable quality of El Viento, or the graphical glory of Lightening Force can dissuade me. It’s not just about speed. It’s about the whole picture. And that’s what really makes Part 2 of the series the zenith for me.








Panzer Dragoon is the start of something beautiful.

Given new life as a bonus unlockable in Panzer Dragoon Orta’s Pandora Box archive, the series premiere introduced us to a bravado that few other franchises could champion so enthusiastically. When you play a Panzer game, you’re not simply pressing buttons on a controller and mindlessly watching your 19-inch color television screen – you’re experiencing an exhilarating campaign about inner-strength and justice through the eyes of a DRAGON RIDER. In this example, that dragon rider happens to be a plain man called Kiel. He may seem ordinary, but his heart is absolutely extraordinary.

Though we may not understand what Kiel is saying without the aid of subtitles, and though we know so little about him outside of the few moments where we are given an opportunity to pilot his reptilian flyer, we can relate to his plight. His actions, valiant and unwavering, are right. We can see that Kiel, who otherwise is just a common man, fights on long after others have stopped. We admire him because he isn’t extravagant or audacious; in many ways he’s like us.

In this post-apocalyptic world, most remaining humans only fight to survive. Even Kiel begins as a hunter indifferent to the powers that be. An omnipotent empire reigns over these desolate lands, and with their powerful, ancient technologies, they seek to keep their foes in check. Their strangely constructed airships are the backbone behind their murderous reign of terror, but not even the imperial armada can hold a candle to the Empire’s greatest weapon.

A black dragon rules over the skies. Any who challenge it are rewarded with a quick death.

Kiel witnesses this grim prospect firsthand when he stares, helplessly mesmerized, at a murderous battle between the evil Dark Dragon and a seemingly worthy adversary. In a matter of moments, the battle is over. The adversary, a blue dragon’s rider, has been bested. Realizing that his time is nearly over, he commands his blue Solo Wing to Kiel’s position and tells – no, COMMANDS – him to continue the fight. The only consolation to this unfortunate situation is the dying rider’s offer to Kiel. He must take his gun, and he must commandeer this nimble dragon.

And so Kiel does.

At this very moment, we begin a memorable journey unlike anything previously known. Flying over a gorgeous lake dotted with collapsing pillars, it is here where we become accustomed to just how bleak this world has become. Centuries ago this body of water was the site of a magnificent city. Now it’s just a haunting reminder of glories past. Laser-spewing mutants appear from behind every crumbling ruin to indicate that they are the ones who rule over this realm, not humans. Dragons and their riders cannot pass. There’s going to be a bloodbath.

But Kiel, being a capable gunner, can lock onto these belligerents and then unleash streaming lasers of magnificent power upon any hapless foes foolish enough to stand in his way. Being a rail shooter, these tactics are logical if not necessarily surprising. But before anyone can begin to draft comparisons to Star Fox, no matter how inappropriate they may be, know that Kiel isn’t simply a forward-looking fighter. With the simple tap of the L or R button, he can swivel his line of sight a full 360 degrees. Now, not even the burliest of flanking foes can expect to get the drop on the dragon and its rider. At the same time, though, Kiel will have to keep an eye on his radar if he wants to minimize blindside ambushes. Enemies will swoop in for the kill from every direction regardless.

The third level exemplifies this. Wayside turrets, suddenly appearing battleships and unexpected tank patrols make this one of the busiest stages in the game. Spend too long focusing on any one direction, and you can expect to hear Kiel’s blue dragon wince in pain as flaming cannonballs dig into its flesh.

For a less hellish scenario, you only need to take one step back to the second stage. It begins over a vast desert populated by grotesque sand worms that jump right out of the sun-scorched surface like dolphins once did in the sea. While this would normally be a pretty cool sight from a distance, given Kiel and his dragon’s close proximity to the deadly beasts, this is one sightseeing event that is anything but relaxing (though it’s certainly easier to contend with colossal sand worms than it is with half the imperial army!). Having to deal with the scaly maggots from his rear is only part of the fun, as he’ll then have to make a complete about face to deal with the looming mutant creatures approaching from off into the distance.

This eventually leads Kiel and his dragon to a faceoff with the Dark Dragon from earlier. Dodging its incoming fire AND having to be careful not to veer into any of the tornadoes that dance across the desert dunes, this is one sweet battle that’s not only fun to play but is also extremely stylish. Chock one more tick mark on divine ein’s wall of awesomeness.

And then prepare yourself for a labyrinthine run deep into a series of subterranean tunnels that speed by in every which direction as the blue dragon winds and wends through even the tightest turns with impressive agility. All the while, Kiel will struggle to shoot the underground guardians who weave in and out of sight. But where this endeavor would cause lesser heroes to become emasculated in terror, Panzer Dragoon portrays this harrowing situation as an epic display of unrelenting courage through inspiring music.

If there’s one thing that the series as a whole as always been noted for, it’s the magnificent orchestrations that play throughout the entirety of each adventure. The fitting songs that echo across each and every stage in this classic are just as good as the later tunes that would encourage Edge to fly Lagi deep into the heart of danger to try and save Azel. When the music fits so perfectly alongside the action, it makes the entire experience all the more satisfying. That’s certainly the case here. If a certain song isn’t adding an extra layer of awe to the battlefield, it’s urging you to fight onward. Nowhere is such an encouraging song more appropriate than in the twisting tunnels of the fourth stage. From there on out, alluringly enough, things are only going to get more and more rugged and wonderful.

In return, the music will continue to only get better and more emotive as the Solo Wing speeds toward Kiel’s target.

After flying over a vast jungle, and swooping across heavily guarded canals intersecting the imperial capital city, one final battle remains to be fought. On the one side is a nimble blue dragon commandeered by our bold rider Kiel. On the other side is the Dark Dragon, transformed into a hideous entity more powerful and commanding than ever before. The two forces meet high in the sky. Their eyes lock onto each other with hating stares. Everything is quiet, if only for a moment. This is the ultimate battle between good versus evil, just versus unjust, light versus dark.

Do you have what it takes to win?






With its criminally short length and resounding lack of challenge, Yume Penguin Monogatari makes Mario look like Contra. Coupled with the fact that this old NES cartridge doesn’t feature a familiar hero, nor was it ever localized, chances are you would rightfully assume that you aren’t missing out on anything worthwhile. But, as surprises are wont to occur from time to time in the magical realm of old school gaming, you would be wrong to believe that this is just some pointless attempt at enjoyable platforming. Our hero, while he may not be iconic, is nevertheless likeable, being a penguin and all. And the tale that unfolds throughout his short journey has no equals. Never before has a game opened with a premise as absurd as the one seen here.



Our hero, Penta the Penguin, you see, is fat. And when I say he’s fat, I don’t mean he’s just plump around the waist. The bird’s a real-life blob. As round as he is tall, it’s difficult for our pal to move around. He can belly flop onto enemies with a bit of persistence, but kicking his foes, among more acrobatic maneuvers, is out of the question. There are only two things in life that bring him enjoyment, eating food and enjoying the presence of his pink penguin girlfriend, Penko. 



But like most women (or at least most women with taste), she isn’t too keen on our hero’s gluttony. So unless our hero Penta can shed a few pounds, she’s going to ditch him for someone better. Like anyone. Let’s totally forget, if only for a moment, that this ‘someone better’ really is a nefarious penguin. (We know this because he wears shades and a top hat.) I mean, we don’t want to start judging Penko before we really know her, now do we? 



With Penta not wanting to lose dear Penko, he decides that it’s best to get slim and trim. This involves getting exercise and downing nutritional energy drinks (Slim-Fast in a bottle, if you will). Doing so not only makes him more pleasing in the eyes of his lover, but it also garners our hero new attacks. At his fittest, Penta can defeat enemies from afar with a chirp, and, when in a plane, he can fire more powerful missiles. The results of such strenuous workouts are obvious.

He just needs to start. And so, with a firm bit of convincing, Penta the pudge gets off his rear and goes outside to please his woman. 



But remember that dastardly suitor who Penko finds to be quite the stud? Well, he doesn’t want to take any risks in finding out that Penko will stick with her man – er, penguin – if he gets in shape. So Ginji, as this evil penguin is called, sends his goons to stop Penta’s weight-loss program. 



Rather than try to beat him up or hurt him in some way, Ginji’s toadies actually feed him food to keep him fat. Those bastards. 



Through six stages of questing, our hero must not only lose weight and convince Penko to stay with him, but he must also avoid consuming food . . . glorious mounds of free food. After completing each stage, you’ll be treated to a funny scene where Penta speaks with Penko on the phone. Should Penta meet his weight-loss requirement for that stage, she’ll gleefully tell him that she still wants to be with him (though we can see Ginji standing in the background, waiting to steal her away). Otherwise, should Penta fail to lose enough weight, Penko will tell him to go stuff his fat face in a can of Crisco, in which case Ginji will win Penko’s heart with his excellent fashion sense. 



Charming little moments like these are strewn all throughout the short adventure that makes up Yume Penguin Monogatari. Equally hilarious moments occur during the actual adventure, such as when Penta downs a bottle of liquid vitamins and suddenly the words ‘Shape UP’ appear on screen, turning our pudgy hero into a slimmer and trimmer penguin. Other times, we’ll see him deal with ferocious enemies . . . like cute little ladybugs. Meanwhile, aggravated volcanoes will erupt wads of rice and swine-piloted dirigibles will dispense fattening strawberries into Penta’s hungry mouth. It’s cutesy in appearance, but it’s also enjoyable to play. 



About half of the game is pure platforming while the rest is a simple cute ‘em up that involves our hero flying a pink plane. While both portions are timed and throw plenty of denizens Penta’s way, the entire experience is extremely simple to navigate successfully. Not even the bosses are difficult, as they provide many energy drinks for Penta to consume should he need to shed a few more pounds for his lady. Actually defeating them is very easy, too. You’ll have to try hard to fail a mission, though it’s worth doing just to see what silly reaction you’ll get from the penguin love triangle.

For being such a simple and unacceptable short game, Yume Penguin Monogatari manages to convey quite an interesting world both in its detailed art design and surprisingly catchy music. Stage 4, for example, will have poor Penta scaling a giant cake that looks good enough to eat, while Stage 5 will display our hero flying his plane through a beautifully clouded sky marked with large catacombs that require successful passage. Because of the graphical and aural departments’ quality, the aforementioned shortcomings in challenge and duration don’t seem as disappointing. You won’t mind gallivanting across these six stages more than once because they’re so fun to play through.

Eventually, you’ll be treated to a very climactic finale that ends hilariously. In this penguin love triangle, we see what becomes of Penta, his lover Penko, and that dastardly Ginji. Will our hero lose enough weight? Will his girlfriend go to greener pastures? Will she even remain beautiful in light of all this stress? 



Take fifteen minutes out of your schedule to see what happens for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.


. . . . . . . . . .

Final Thought: Why we never saw a localized version of this is beyond my reckoning. Nintendo could have made a killing with this one. Imagine how iconic Penta could have become had thousands of obese gamers looked up to him as a hero for losing weight? A magnificent opportunity was wasted. For shame, Nintendo. For shame.




All right, we’ve got things to do. So!

Wonder Momo is the kind of game where you’ll play as a schoolgirl who kicks innocuous ninjas in the jimmies. She does this on a stage at her school’s auditorium, the novelty behind it being that Momo is technically performing in a play alongside her classmate extras. I wonder how they appreciate getting kicked in the nuts?

Well, it doesn’t matter, because this is rare type of game that believes in girl power. Boys aren’t people, as far as Momo is concerned. Being the only lass in an entire school filled with boys will make you feel that way, apparently. She’ll beat up all the boys she wants, periodically defiling construction-paper-costumed dweebs like the bipedal bug dude or the mecha T-Rex man. Then it’s back to kicking generic ninja ass and receiving applause from the classmates smart enough to sit in the audience.

This game is really stupid, but it has a bit of charm that really could have propelled it beyond the bottom of the quality tier. At random points throughout each “act,” a whirlwind will appear on stage. If Momo lets it take her, she’ll transform into Wonder Momo . . .who looks kind of like a cheap knock-off version of Samus Aran. No bother. Armed with a pulsating hoola hoop, Wonder Momo can now deal more damaged to the dumb boys meandering back and forth on the stage. Boss fights will actually be winnable. Then it’s on to a bonus round, or to see a picture of Momo wrapped in a towel. Rejoice.

In spite of all the game’s colorful personality, the experience is marred by woeful controls. Poor little Momo gets knocked down just by barely brushing against a bad guy, or an annoying aerial foe. She’ll have a nasty little perv take pictures of her panties from beneath the edge of the stage, rendering her useless for a few seconds, making her the perfect target for an otherwise incapable ninja. The lack of fluidity behind controlling Momo makes the game a lot more difficult than it should be. Her biggest challenge is staying on her feet.

If you can get past the awful controls, though, give yourself a pat on the back. You have more patience than I. You won’t necessarily enjoy yourself, I’m afraid, but then you will get to take in all the strange sights and sounds that Wonder Momo has to offer. Simplified backdrops . . 50s bebop tunes . . unscrupulous high school ninjas . . . a girl with delusions of grandeur. Sounds like a good time, huh?

Feedback
honestgamer honestgamer - July 01, 2018 (01:22 PM)
I play games for the escapism they typically provide. I like to get lost in a game's world and just enjoy living there. They can make an engaging distraction from all the thoughts otherwise swirling in my head. That doesn't typically translate to losing myself to the story, since video game plots are almost always awful. Instead, I appreciate things like looking out over amazing views, or coming across a group of ingeniously placed adversaries, or discovering some hidden secret. I'll play and enjoy games of a wide variety of styles, but escapism and distraction are nearly always the core goal. To me, speedrunning doesn't seem quite compatible with that. I find it interesting on one level, but not extraordinarily so.

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