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EmP How to make an EmP
5 parts anger
5 parts silliness
5 parts ego
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add wisdom to taste! Do not overindulge!
I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend but really I'm not actually your friend but I am.
BigSig Orange by ZaamIT.com

Title: A more EmP-like farewell.
Posted: April 11, 2006 (10:12 AM)
So as not to leave a trail of sourness in my wake, the previous topic has been deleted by my own fair hands. No censoring has taken part here, kids; this was a decision made by yours truly. I don't wish to be remembered for an angst filled rant, neither do I wish to leave something so negative laying around for just anyone to read. For that would be petty.

So in its place you get the reviews that never made it; the few never-finished projects on my hard drive that will probably never be. Odds are this will be a long post -- apologies for taking up so much room!

Knights of the Old Republic -- XBox
There was never a staff review of this, which baffled me into action and helped me justify trying to write yet another review on the over-saturated game! I was never sold on the whole mocking DE angle, because I doubted very many people would get it. And that the poor guy gets the brunt of my mocking when LH is out of range.... I was going to edit both his and my names out on the next draft, dropping jedi alias' all together. Me and DE always talk like he's a shining beacon of all that is good and I'm some kind of watered-down antichrist, which prompted this stylistic choice to start with.

It's also very barebone. Things like a better battle explination were to be added before final proof.

It's an early draft, errors are to be expected, info will be missing.


This is the tale of two Jedis.

Both awake on the Republican battleship, the Endar Spire, while under heavy bombardment from Sith forces. One forms a quick bond with his room mate, allowing them to work as a cohesive unit, mowing down vile invaders with flashing blades in the name of self defence and the prosperity of the Republic way of life! We'll call him Eternal. The other holds less noble goals; he strong-arms the same room mate into service as a meat-shield and uses him to deflect enemy attacks while he slinks around the boarders of battles, lighting singed corridors with a plethora of laser fire. Honour be damned when there's a body-count to rack up and bubbling corpses to be looted! We shall call him Emp.

See what I've done there?

The fate of their travelling companion is quickly sealed when a Dark Jedi crashes the party. Eternal begs him to take flight towards an escape pod instead of throwing his life away in a futile battle, and morns the loss of a comrade when his words are unheeded. Emp shoves the fool towards certain death and makes with the escape, dodging the need to fight a doomed battle against a much stronger foe than he can currently handle. Both eventually arrive at the same destination; fleeing the flaming battleship for the relative safety of Taris, helped by the Spire's captain, Carth. Eternal finds Carth to be an honourable man, a war hero and a trusted ally. Emp finds Carth to be a whining bitch, and wonders if he can club him unconscious and steal his shoes.

Both arrive at the same detonation, only their actions on the way there are different. Knights of the Old Republic cleverly boasts its openness by hiding the linearity it does possess behind a curtain or morality. Both of the aforementioned Jedis arrive at the forgotten planet Taris, a world that has fallen from prosperity and is buckling under the inherent bigotry and specism that runs rife on its streets. Eternal strides through these streets with his companions proudly beside him, a champion of the people and an upholder of all that is right. Emp plots to bludgeon anyone who looks like they might be carrying something valuable.

And his chance comes when a downtrodden alien is accosted by rowdy children shouting racist slurs and pelting the unfortunate creature with stones. It pleads for aid as the Jedi's pass, and receive it in differing ways. Through selectable dialogue choices, Eternal mildly chastises the children and sends them on their way, offering medical help to the blighted off-worlder. Emp instead threatens the kids with the thrashing of a lifetime before pistol-whipping the moaning extraterrestrial and pinching all his possessions. Eternal is rewarded with Light side points. In time he will be enveloped in a holy aura that signifies his connection with the force. Emp's dastardly actions garner him Dark side points; eventually his skin with become marked and his eyes will darken in accordance to those who travel the path of darkness.

But still their paths take them to the same places. With the help of Carth, the uptight Jedi, Bastila, the odd pairing of a nimble T'welk thief and powerful Wookie warrior and a bloodlusting Camadodion mercenary, Taris will be left behind and other worlds will be explored. The sand people of Tatanooie will either be appeased or slaughtered. Eternal clad himself in robes and, with the help of a language-savvy driod, bartered safe passage through the dune sea and earns the respect of the tribe. EmP armed the same driod with a blaster rifle and wades though their ranks, slaughtering every last one of the little sand monkeys with sadistic glee and glowing red dual lightsabers. Both paths lead to the safe travel of the endless desert, but both are undeniably different ways of going about things -- that is the base of Knight's much flaunted openness. Even the obligatory light/dark endings the game offers have nothing to do with your position between halos and demons

But it feels different, each action you decide on feels like it matters. Resist the urge to sneak a peek beneath the veneer of open play, and lose yourself in a world of possibilities. A beautiffuly and cunningly created world that you can almost shape with your morality. Or lack thereof.

Obi Wan Eternal's quest ended in the freeing of a galaxy, in the slaying of an evil empire. Darth EmP's interest laid not in saving the universe but in bringing it to its knees. One Jedi is loved by the people he saved whilst the other is feared by those he enslaved. Maybe the paths they chose to walk are more similar than they are made out to be, but the differing scenery makes the walk more than worthwhile


Tony Hawks Underground 2 -- XBox
This one's been kicking around so long, I forgot I had it until I went to look for half-finished reviews. The dig at Boo is pretty good, the rest is a bit rambly. Needed more focus and ends just after the intro.

Errors ahoy! This isn't even a completed draft.

I own every last Hawks game ever made in one form or another aside from American Wasteland. Its omission will be made clear soon.

Each and every title sits on my shelf collecting dust. Like all yearly franchises, they retain water like Nintendo retains sanity, so getting rid of them seems pointless. 1-4 and the first Underground collect dust because I've gutted them; every level completed in every way, multi-player games abandoned as soon as I started thrashing my foes by millions point deficits rather than by the skin of my teeth. I dominate, and now I don't play. There's no reason to.

Tony Hawks Underground 2 collects dust because playing it makes me weep. In a manly way, of course!

Every now and then I forget this, the following conversation will take place:

Random victim: "Why don't we play THUG2, again?"
Me: "Why, I remember not. Verily, let us partake in its glory of see why this puzzling omission exists, dear pleb."

And in playing it, I remember why I abandoned it. THUG2 is less about skating and more about a basic and ludicrous toilet humour that not even rugby players would find amusing.


While putting together a combo that would make Killer Instinct look like Britney's Beat Dance, my special bar fills up, allowing me to pull off a trademark stunt garenteed to draw gasps, points and glory! Trained fingers input the simple button combination as I soar from a half-pipe, launching this crowd-pleaser into action -- will it give me a 540 Backflip? A McTwist? A Stalefish Somersault?

My custom-built skater sticks out his arse, farts loudly, and lights the noxious fumes that exit noisily from his anus.

Other 'hilarious' tricks include grinds that see your skater launch a kite to help pull him along, don bullfighter gear and squashbuckle imaginary foes to the distant dry of "Ole!" or violently puke on the move. It's obvious that Neversoft have decided to try and cash in on the Jackass craze that the world was suffering from at the time, so much so that Tony Hawks takes a back-seat here to Bam Margera. A talented skater in his own right who owes his fame and popularity to repeatedly beating up his tubby, bearded father.

Sure, I love watching rotund gentlemen get hurt, as I will now demonstrate....

Empleh16: *pokes in the eye with pointy stick*
almightyfatness: Ouch! ;_;
Empleh16: Hahahaha!

... but I'm sure that the box said something about skateboarding being the focus of this game


Silent Hill 4 -- Xbox
Wrote this a while back, but never finished the game so the review ground to a halt. The fact I won't top Master's review of the same game on the PS2 (which you should check out if you haven't!) probably didn't help much either. Bascially just the intro; I had no idea where I was going after this and was relying on the competion of the game to help. I often nab my ideas for my writing as I play.


Some ways into the game, your foppish-looking and persona-less lead, Henry Townshend, slips into an alternative version of this own apartment building. Rather than tread the pristine hallways that he's always called home, corridors are coated in a rust red substance that squelches underfoot. Rather than pass by friendly neighbours as he explores, he instead encounters the mundanely-named sniffer dogs, canine catastrophes with elongated tongues ripped right out of the Aliens franchise. These can been seen off with a sound pummelling from his trusty lead pipe before slumping to the ground where Henry will stomp on their heads in a fatal coup de grace. The perversion of what was once an everyday event is something that has long been a trademark of the Silent Hill games, and the Other World Apartments are unquestionably eerie.

You enter one room to find it crawling with slate-grey leeches that explode into a puddle of gore when stomped upon. You march through them, raining boot leather down upon any foolish enough to block your path. There is a telephone in the room, and, upon prompting, a number on fast dial is activated.

A new phone rings in the background. A sharp, shrill noise that pierces the sombre atmosphere.

You move through the floors, the ringing noise getting fainter or stronger depending on how hot on its trail you are. Finally, you reach the right apartment door and enter a well-lit room; a jarring contradiction to the gloom-filled apartments you've become used to. Portraits hang on all available wall space depicting characters you have or are yet to meet; axles and paints and brushes are strewn carelessly across any free surface. The room is almost normal; a startling opposite to the twisted abominations of your reality you'd witnessed thus far in your journey. And on the kitchen counter is a ringing phone. You've spent a lot of time tracking down the source of the unrelenting ringing and now you've found it. Nervously, you lift the receiver.

"There is no one on the other end."

Silent Hill 4 is all about anticlimaxes like this. The set-up is there, the conclusion is not.


Others I won't bore you with!
LMA 2006
Pro Evo Soccer
Lord of the Rings: The Third Age
Koudelka rewrite

Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Jade Cocoon 1/2
Phantasy Star IV
X-Com Apocalypse
Jupiter Strike.

That's my wonky PC purged of reviews for now; time for that ill-deserved break!


janusUser: janus
Posted: April 11, 2006 (10:18 AM)
It sucks that you won't be reviewing any more, but good luck and everything. For the sake of curiousity, would you have given Pro Evolution Soccer the 10 it deserves?

EmPUser: EmP
Posted: April 11, 2006 (10:21 AM)
Anything less than 9 would have been a crime. It would have been a high 9 or a 10.

Frankly, I'm still trying to decide if the mispelt names are cringeworthy or hilarious!

cheekyleeUser: cheekylee
Posted: April 12, 2006 (03:21 AM)
You're leaving is neither a big thing or a nothing for me, since I never got to know you. However, since the English populace of this site is now even lower, I am sad to see you go!

magicjugglerUser: magicjuggler
Posted: May 01, 2006 (01:59 PM)
I remember getting X-com apocalypse from the Bargain bin. Didn't like the overworld component yet the combat was as fun as ever, what with the ability to go both realtime and turn-based, as well as to spam Inferno Grenades. Good times.

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