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EmP How to make an EmP
Ingredients:
5 parts anger
5 parts silliness
5 parts ego
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add wisdom to taste! Do not overindulge!
I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend but really I'm not actually your friend but I am.
BigSig Orange by ZaamIT.com

Title: EmPs year in review -- a clever pun.
Posted: January 14, 2006 (11:15 AM)
This is the best year of reviews post of the year!

Conflict Desert Storm II
December 18th 2004

My first HG review and maybe my fith or sixth overall. I liked it a lot back then, no one else did. Bob gave it a third place in the RotD, I recall, beneath an Auto win and someone else I can't remember. I can still read it now without many complaints, though, and it was close enough the the start of the year, so it gets mentioned!

James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing
December 21st 2004

My attempt for Mid's doomed reviewer book, and as such, my most proofed review to date! Options came from the likes of Venter and Bloomer, and Bob even managed to give it another third place spot on his name-heavy RotD. It got dusted off in the TT to face Mid in the first round (Which seemed fitting) and drew with Sprung.

Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis
January 6th 2005

This has been touched up from the snorefest that is still to this day used as a sleeping aid up on Faqs, but it still sucks. I remember after writing it, DE was quick to point out that it wasn't as much fun to read as earlier efforts, VM said I was too instruction-mannel-esque and Genj still bashes this attempt every damn chance he gets! Yet strangly, it awarded me a RotD win when such an accolade still slightly mattered. If I was the type of person who takes old reviews down, this would be the second to go just behind Track & Field.

Breath of Fire III
January 8th 2005

My dramtic entry into the world of tourney writing in the much-vaulted RPG tourney. I finished in the bottom third - even Ruder slammed this one! It was because of this I decided to sit our the next one (Beat Zig) and work on getting better. But it did muster up my first praise topic on the BoFIII board, which was nice.

Doom II
January 24th 2005

I wrote this in an hour or so, wanting to be short and too the point, then asked a young(er) VM what she thought. Her first reaction was to re-write the intro and tell me that I was a crappy writer. Unabashed, I threw it up on FAQS where it was promptly trashed by Genj who said I was a crappy writer. Feeling a little tender, it would be a whole two weeks later when I submitted it to HG where Boo gave it full points. "It's the best thing you've written!" enthused the gossip-monger. It was then I decided that you were all a weird bunch.

Wild Arms
January 26th 2005

The would-be Beat Zig entry that I pulled. I still kind of like it, but it's long since become a forotten review that languishes at the bottom of my hit-counter. Awwww

Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
Febuary 21st 2005

A silly review that I enjoyed writing in a tone that I wish I employed more. This ranks as VM's favourite EmP review and it's also one I look back on with fondness. Mainly because it also atracts such hate from illiterate Zelda fanboys who attack the review despite the fact it score the fine game a 9/10. Rereading this makes me miss a time when I was perhaps a little less serious about my work. It also bombed big time in the RotD.

Bust-a-Move 2
March 6th 2005

Quick, short effort and it shows. Nothing special here - move on! Although I do like the addiction tone set throughout

Wizards & Warriors X: Fortress of Fear
March 12th 2005

"Dude!", screamed annoying yank VM, "That review is hilarious, but it doesn't belong on that site you've been hanging at latley. They'll reject it and laught at you!" See? Even before she was winning Alpha tourneys and spewing out a review every lunar cycle, VM was my most supportive fan. Ignoring her sage-like words, I submitted it some four months after writing it but not before employing some careful editing, and in return made Boo lick his elbow like a fool! Whether it's too gimmicky or a work of new game jounalism genius is an opinion that varies from person to person, but it got soundly thrashed by Sho in the TT and warrented a long-winded explination in an earlier blog post.

X-Com: Enemy Unknown
March 16th 2005

This review goes on and on and on... My Praise-Bash effort that wound up on the upper half of the middle of the pack -- if that makes sense! It's in need of some serious editing, but I want to keep it as it is out of something other then laziness. It also won me a RotM on Faqs. I gave the winnings to VM for her birthday. She was 6 that year and she bought pokemon plushies.

International Track & Field
March 22nd 2005

My worst review on HG. Enough said.

LMA Manager 2004
March 31st 2005

This was posted up on HG long after it won its OD-run RotD on Faqs. I wasn't sure that HG would really want a football managment game that openly makes fun of the girly version of football employed by the yanks, but the respectable amount of hits racked up for it begs to differ. Most of you won't have a bloody clue what I'm talking about, of course.

Ring of Red
April 7th 2005

"The intro was mostly ok, and it would have got a RotW mention if it wasn't for a late surge of hugely better works later in ther week" said Venter of this review. Thanks, Jason!

The Thing
April 10th 2005

My first RotW winner, and the review that defeated Cario in the TT! A review I wrote all in one mammoth sitting, as I recall, despite the slightly disjointed read that makes it seem like two reviews wielded together.

Monsterseed
April 21st 2005

My second ever RotW win, sandwiched in between Thing and SitD, and my obscure entry that caught me a fith place overall and helped me and Bob claim third as a team. Ironically, was later used to beat Bob in our first match-up in the TT. That's what you get for slamming GitS, you cow! DE's favourite EmP review.

The Secret of Monkey Island
May 15th 2005

The first review I wrote as a staff member and the effort that beat Masters in the TT. Gogo pirates and primates! Warrented a big edit nearer the tourney to make it the legend-killer effort it is today

Dark Cloud
June 2nd 2005

This got its own hate topic on FAQS where I was called stupid, thick and believed to be 11 years of age. It was helped fuelled by the usual gang of myself, VM, DE and Boo. Good times! Oh, and the review is huge but makes good use of monkeys at typewriters.

Operation Wolf
June 7th 2005

This is where the curse started. A review written for a Gfaqs tourney where it was scored 95 by one judge and 62 by the other. Sixty-bloody-two! Ever since then, I always seem to get panned by at least one judge on the panal in a most vexxing manner. On the other hand, it was written primarily as a Boo-mockfest and did its job well, even credited as Boo's favourite review written by yours truely. "It makes me feel important and loved", he says. Beat an awesome Splinter Cell review by Bob in the TT.

Broken Sword
June 22nd 2005

I wrote this to convince a chum how awesome the Broken Sword games are, but it turned out she didn't care anyway. Still. I got some France-bashing in, so I am pleased.

Star Ocean 2
July 9th 2005

Written to face Fix in the TT and it earnt a hard-fought draw. EmP who, indeed! Take that, you well-versed swine!

Shadowrun
July 30th 2005

Originally, this was written to face Bob in the TT semi's, but it was usurped at the last minute by Operation Wolf. To this day, I still don't know why I went with Op Wolf over this, but I won, so no harm was done. My only SNES review on HG, and likely to always be my only!

Legend of Dragoon
August 1st 2005

Written for the TT tourney final but didn't meet my expectations of it, and it lost 2-1 to Boo of all people. Boo! I've never heard the end of it since. DoI's favourite EmP review.

Bio-Hazard Battle
August 25th 2005

I liked how this long-winded effort turned out, and so did the judges in the shooter tourny -- for a change, I wasn't slughtered by one judge and walked away with a hard-fought second to Zig. It was the first side-scroller I'd played since Jupiter Strike scarred me for life back on the release of the PSX.

KISS Pshyco Circus
August 31st 2005

A happy return to silliness that I enjoyed writing and people have been kind enough to admit to enjoy reading. Bless them all!

Brian Lara Cricket
September 13th 2005

The only review I wrote all September! It contains VM mocking, quotes from DoI and Boo and has bought me by far the most amount of hits from any single review. Despite being about cricket. Go Lara!

3 Ninja's Kick Back
October 1st 2005

So, my piece of crap computer was dead and all I had was AIM and E-Mail. "Pick me a spot in the Alpha's would you?" I asked sidekick, VM, and she picked me the bloody #. I struggled on, played through this poor, dull game and wrote a long winded review which two judges seemed to like. GUTS gave it a 50/100 though and the review was effectivly dead in the water. HOWEVER! It won me my second RotM over on 'FAQS and purchased me the Macross saga which VM has stolen and will not return.

Fahrenheit
October 9th 2005

After writing a preview on this, the scene was set for a review to cement Fahrenheit's place on the site. Janus beat me to it and stole all my thunder. Bloody git. This review followed his up afterwards, but as a counter-point not a ground-breaking review. Curse your hide, Janus!

FIFA '06
October 15th 2005

Although I liked how this one came out, it was never going to do well on a mostly-American website. I apologise for all the confusion this may have caused yank readers.

Micro Machines
October 16th 2005

This was written a good year before it found its way onto HG, and it probably shows. Still, it's an obscure game that is now covered by this site, so all is good! If you don't mind a reasonably mediocre read.

Atari Anniversary Advanced
October 25th 2005

Easy to write and reasonably well focued piece that no one cared about. Can't win them all! The intro is also a lie; I picked this game up when away at a football tourney to kill time between matches.

Phantasy Star II
October 29th 2005

Short, to-the-point review that is Ruder's favourite amongst my works. Not everyone agrees. The feedback topic reached some thirty posts arguing back and forth the worth of this piece and it only manages a rather poor 7/20 in a Sportsman-run review-off. For the record, I really like it despite what all you haters have to say!

Disruptor
November 5th 2005

I wrote this for the FPS tourney originally before Zig told me that he hated the little-known PSX shooter. Dejected, I wrote for Doom instead, which he scored lowly. The moral of this story -- never trust Zig!

Doom
November 18th 2005

Got a huge score from vet judge Bob in the FPS tourney but wasn't as liked by Zig, the very person who put me off my original effort of Disruptor. It's that tourney curse again!

LMA Manager 2005
November 19th 2005

Since this game is the exact same game as 2004 with only slight changes, I used the exact same review with only slight changes. It's political, not laziness! It amused me, but no one else.

X-Com: Terror From the Deep
December 4th 2005

My origainal Challange entry before Ruder would yell at me until I caved and bought GitS. He commented that this review "wasn't dull" once, which is the closest this one got to being praised.

50 Cent: Bulletproof
December 5th 2005

Hate mail? Check! Hate-filled topics full of gangstar talking idiots on Faqs? Check! Bulletproof is EmP at his most venomous! Check out the news article that goes with it, too!

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
December 18th 2005

"Write a GitS review!", demanded Ruder, shaking his fist angrilly in support of his demands, so I did. And it got mixed reactions at best. But I'm happy with it, and that's what counts!

Tony Hawks Pro Skater 3
December 28th 2005

"Short reviews are haaaaaaaard!, moaned professinal harpy, VM, so I wrote this in half an hour. Take that, you whiney hobbit!

Beyond Good & Evil
January 1 2006

And this is how I start off the new year! By finding a dusty intro lurking in the back of my hard-drive and finishing it off while still slightly hung-over. May this forever stay the way of things to come!

---

Been a busy EmP... Here's to a productive 2006!
[reply]

lastheroUser: lasthero
Title:
Posted: January 14, 2006 (11:45 AM)
Hm. Nice. Handy.

I should do once of these. Shame I'm so lazy.

Edit: Oh, one more thing.

Got a huge score from vet judge Bob in the FPS tourney but wasn't as liked by Zig, the very person who put me off my original effort of Disruptor. It's that tourney curse again!


Don't feel bad. Doom or Disrupter, I still would've whupped the skirt of ya. :p
[reply]

viridian_moonUser: viridian_moon
Title:
Posted: January 14, 2006 (04:11 PM)
So much hate! I am not six and did not buy Pokémon plushies, and I will be shipping Macross on Monday. And I'm not a harpy!

Although I liked how this one came out, it was never going to do well on a mostly-American website. I apologise for all the confusion this may have caused yank readers.
Yeah, I only understood about a third of it, haha.

The situation with Bulletproof was funny.

Anyway, wow, you've been busy this year. Kudos, you're sure a lot less lazy than me, and it's interesting to see where all your work falls.
[reply]

zigfriedUser: zigfried
Title:
Posted: January 14, 2006 (05:25 PM)
Cool writeup! I'll try to fit it all on your tombstone after I destroy you in the Pro-Rookie tournament.

Cheers,

//Zig
[reply]

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