"There are a lot of games on the Game Boy. As a general rule of thumb, those of us with some sense in our heads tend to shy away from anything with the words "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen," "Nickelodeon," "Disney" or "port of the thrilling arcade classic!" on the box. Thankfully, this isn't hard, as, despite what the "professionals" may tell us whilst wiping the self-congratulatory jism dribbling out the corner of their mouths, there really aren't that many of those games out there. "
There are a lot of games on the Game Boy. As a general rule of thumb, those of us with some sense in our heads tend to shy away from anything with the words "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen," "Nickelodeon," "Disney" or "port of the thrilling arcade classic!" on the box. Thankfully, this isn't hard, as, despite what the "professionals" may tell us whilst wiping the self-congratulatory jism dribbling out the corner of their mouths, there really aren't that many of those games out there.
But there are certainly some horrible Game Boy titles out there, though.
Years ago, when I was but a mere middle school student, I had been dragged along to the local Wal-Mart. Behind the video game cases I saw something that I would never forget, yet wouldn't bother investigating until now.
BILLY BOB'S HUNTIN' AND FISHIN'
This sight jumped back into my immediate memory while I was doing my best to completely obliterate Planet Emu's bandwith for the month. Hey, I said, I wonder if anyone else has ever heard of this Billy Bob's Huntin' and Fishin'?
Now, it should be mentioned, trying to find an obscure American Game Boy rom is hard work. Usually. Somehow, because there is apparently a Satan out there who does things like this for the lulz, I found the rom image in like two seconds.
There he is. Billy Bob in all his "sort of looks like Dr. Robotnik's retarded nephew" glory. With his grossly inflated beer gut, soiled trucker's cap and poorly assembled rifle (presumably to be used for Huntin'), Billy Bob flashes you the thumbs up, giving me, Player One, the okay to press start.
I really shouldn't have pressed start.
Daisy, the neighborhood slut, wants a lot of fish and animal meat. If you do enough enough Huntin' and Fishin', she'll let you into her shack for the final mini-game (Fuckin'). Maybe. I never managed to get far enough to see if this was the case.
Now, as the unfortunate result of two God-Fearing siblings with special needs experimenting with their sexuality, Billy Bob doesn't really seem to know how to take good care of himself. His grotesque obesity, his unshaven, toothless face, the constant barrage of flies buzzing about him. Billy Bob is a dirty man in some serious need of Cleanin'. In the dumbest, disgusting, most fucking idiotic mini-game in existence, you get to live out your fantasy of bathing a redneck.
Normally, in a game about Huntin' and Fishin', one would assume that the "enemies" in this game would be the small animals that you shoot the shit out of. Not in this case. Rather, since Billy Bob didn't feel like Fillin' out forms or Waitin' in line, he does not have his license for either Huntin' or Fishin'! The Game Warden, doing his routine task of Law Enforcin', is going to be Billy Bob's number one enemy while he goes out Poachin'. Since Midway, the very same Midway responsible for Mortal Kombat Advance, couldn't be bothered to work out the problems normally associated with collision detection (like how something has to touch something before an effect happens), the Game Warden can catch you even if he's nowhere near you. Such is the power of Criminal Catchin'.
This pig-scented jack-off pretty much keeps you from doing anything related to Huntin' or Fishin'. Get hauled off to the can enough times, Daisy then informs you that you ain't not good enough for her pappy, which means that you ain't not good enough for her, neither.
Sadly, as long as games like this exist, nobody is ever going to take a look at the Super Mario Lands, Metroid II's, Link's Awakenings', Final Fantasy Legends or anything else that made Gunpei Yokoi's greatest invention worth owning. Rather, by choosing to look at this bullshit, we're left with the notion that the Game Boy had nothing but the Neo-Geo-Pocket-Killing Pokemon and tons of shovelware. Truly this is a tragedy.
Community review by hmd (July 23, 2009)
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