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Lost Odyssey (Xbox 360) artwork

Lost Odyssey (Xbox 360) review

"Since the last game I reviewed was the religious equivalent to a Strawberry Shortcake that was prepared by Jesus himself, I figured this time I would go with a game that can be best described as shit covered shit with shit filling. Now before I start tearing in to the aforementioned fecal pastry, I'd like all of you to know that I typically like (read: worship) Japanese Role-Playing games and are usually impressed and utterly moved by the emotions that their story tends to offer. That being said..."

Since the last game I reviewed was the religious equivalent to a Strawberry Shortcake that was prepared by Jesus himself, I figured this time I would go with a game that can be best described as shit covered shit with shit filling. Now before I start tearing in to the aforementioned fecal pastry, I'd like all of you to know that I typically like (read: worship) Japanese Role-Playing games and are usually impressed and utterly moved by the emotions that their story tends to offer. That being said, I've got my trusty knife and fork ready to review Lost Odyssey for the Xbox 360.

A long time ago there was a man by the name of Hironobu Sakaguchi. He produced games like Final Fantasy, and Final Fantasy IV. He made something everyone could enjoy, and much like the Wachowski brothers before the third Matrix movie, he had credibility. That is why the question that is begging to be asked is: "What in the name of God's roommate Chuggs was he thinking when he made this turd of a game."

Above I mentioned that JRPGs typically have loads of emotion, interesting characters, and above all else a story that keeps gripped by the balls until the end (Devon would have you think that all RPGs are boring and stupid, but he never sat down to play Mass Effect). As far as we can tell, the Final Fantasy series has always been a top-notch story teller. This is why it pains me to say that I can not finish this game.

We will come back to that in a bit. We will start by talking about the other reasons why this game is the biggest disappointment to grace my console since Wangan Midnight.

At first glance the graphics don't appear to be that bad, and in fact some of the few places I have seen so far are pretty good looking. The gripe is that it feels like its lacking due to the game being across FOUR FUCKING DISCS! Now this might not sound like a big deal, but when Mass Effect looked as good as it did on one disc, this should have looked like Jessica Alba having sex with Angelina Jolie and another Jessica Alba. Sure, maybe Mass Effect wasn't a million billion hours long like Lost Odyssey, but still it could've improved tremendously. Another thing to point out is the character themselves. They were designed by the guy who did Slam Dunk (a comic about the rough life drama of Basketball players... in Japan) and they all look rather well if you’re into anime and the like. I also would like to commend the Japanese for thinking outside the box, and replacing their usual stereotypical sissy, effeminate, white male protagonist, and replaced him with a sissy, effeminate, Japanese male. I gotta say I didn't see that coming.

See? Outside the box with this guy.

The game play is another major issue with this travesty because there isn't any. Remember way back to the years before the action RPG? We had turn-based combat, and we had random encounters. Now if this was a handheld game I could forgive it, but this is a console game. As such this game play should be more than just moving the analog stick in a circle, and then hitting "A" every two to four seconds. This is seriously 2008 Sakaguchi! Random battle and turned based combat died with Final Fantasy 10. If anything this game should have been like Kingdom Hearts. At least then I could justify the millions of button presses without looking at the screen.

It is far less exciting than it looks...

Finally, the proverbial "nail in the coffin" is the story. The best way to describe the story is to imagine you just had the best meal in you life, and all of your favorite people were there to enjoy it with you (Mr. T, Spiderman, and Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama). Then Wilford Brimley comes in, kills your friends, and talks about "Diabeetus" for the next 356 hours of your life. The story starts off with you slaughtering countless giant-helmeted people on the battlefield, than a meteor pours lava onto you. No joke, that is seriously what happens. You of course survive and you can't remember why (lava causes amnesia). Come to find out you are immortal and can't die. The only thing I have to say to that is "WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A GAME OVER SCREEN THEN!?" The story really revs up when you dream. How does the protagonist dream? Not in color, not in red, but in a novel-long text sequence. That scream you just heard was probably you. I was able to sit through about half of one before I started skipping text as fast as I could, and it STILL took an additional 5 minutes to get through a story about how some girl died that the main character was all pedo for.

Overall, an RPG in this day in age that is not like Kingdom Hearts, Knights of the Old Republic, or Mass Effect, have no place amongst your gaming shelf. Boring story, forgettable characters, and a terrible combat system make this one of the worst experiences in my life.

RecentElectronics's avatar
Community review by RecentElectronics (February 22, 2009)

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EmP posted February 22, 2009:

There’s a lot of issues with this review, issues that would normally not see it posted on site that I had to clear up. My time is short right now so if I come off as blunt, I apologise in advance.

  • In-review pictures: If you want to post pictures in the body of your review, then you’re more than welcome to. However, you need to make sure they’re no bigger than 600px wide otherwise you screw up the site’s boarders. You also need to make sure they’re not watermarked by other sites, and that you’ve not directly linked them from said sites and are therefore stealing bandwidth. You need to either ask us to host them ourselves, use something like a photo bucket account or not bother at all. I’ll stress the watermark issue again because it’s important. Clean images only.

    In the case of this one, I did all of this for you on the last two pics. We don’t have the time to do this with every review that gets submitted, but I don’t mind helping people out as they learn the ropes. I could do nothing with the first picture as you‘ve mislinked it, putting the URL of the upload page rather than the hosting one.

  • You’ll need to delete the blurb lines at the end of the review. No one is interested in the review’s version history or were it might be hosted elsewhere; they’ve clicked on the review to learn about the game, not to learn about you. If you want your real name to be associated with your reviews, then that’s the name you should be using as your username. I’m not keen to start editing people’s review without their say so, so I’m going to have to ask you to delete that part off your own back and not include them in future submissions. This holds true for the other reviews that have since been accepted onto site.

  • The review has a lot of basic problems in it that effect your credibility. For one, the intro about your previous reviews is completely irrelevant because, as we are a new audience, we have no idea what you’re referencing to, the same goes for when you start mentioning people like we should all already know who you’re talking about. I personally disagree with a lot of what you say (Final Fantasy being top notch at storytelling after the abortion that was FF12, Kingdom Hearts being a game everyone should own, etc. Hell, I loved Lost Odyssey, so we’re opposite ends of the fence right there) but the way you attack the game at points is ludicrous and very easy to poke holes in. You even state factually incorrect information at points which becomes all the clearer when you state at numerous times that you never finished the game. As soon as you say this any reader interested in finding out about the title will have already hit the back button and will be looking for someone who sounds like they actually played more than the game’s first disk.

  • There’s a lot of opinion in this review, but very, very little in the way of actually backing it up. You just say “This game is awful!”, throw in a few lines that you (often incorrectly) think sound funny, even if they’re completely untrue (such as lava being the cause of amnesia) and expect it to be enough. So long as you’re happy in something that’s not really a review and something that no one’s going to take seriously, then, I suppose it is.

    The feedback is probably more harsh sounding than it's supposed to be. Take it in, or ignore it. Your call.

    Welcome to the site!
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    jerec posted February 22, 2009:

    Funny review, but perhaps its trolling nature would be better suited to GameFAQs, where people will really get worked up over it? Most us here are mature enough to go "haha lol" and then never take you seriously again.
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    hmd posted February 22, 2009:

    Who's this Devon character? He wouldn't happen to be similar to my friend Mame Johnson would he?
    board icon
    Suskie posted February 22, 2009:

    To mirror everything EmP already said: Not funny, not informative, immature, makes references to things we have no way of knowing, was posted here after being written somewhere else mostly as an attempt to raise the author's publicity, terrible review.
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    True posted February 25, 2009:

    So long as you’re happy in something that’s not really a review and something that no one’s going to take seriously, then, I suppose it is.

    Not to be cruel but the same could be said about the site that he's put at the end of all three of his reviews.

    I wouldn't even mention it, but this seems to be more of a "Hey. This place is popular. I'll put up my reviews with a link to my original site and hopefully steer people there", rather than an attempt at putting up reviews for the sake of Honest Gamers.
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    Daisuke02 posted February 25, 2009:

    I always like to believe that there are ways besides fuck and shit to say that something isn't good. And I say fuck and shit an awful lot.

    As for the "funny review" bit... nope. Tries a bit too hard to make us laugh.

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