"Picture yourself as a buxom beauty, your long blonde hair flowing in a ponytail as you sprint across the scorched desert sands of an oil field, your thigh-high white heeled boots kicking up puffs of silt and debris. Generic, gray uniformed enforcers decorated in visors and body armors of red and blue confront with fists drawn. You’re Kurokishi, trusted guardian of peace and love. They’re up to no good. In this genre, those circumstances suffice."
Picture yourself on a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...
Picture yourself as a buxom beauty, your long blonde hair flowing in a ponytail as you sprint across the scorched desert sands of an oil field, your thigh-high white heeled boots kicking up puffs of silt and debris. Generic, gray uniformed enforcers decorated in visors and body armors of red and blue confront with fists drawn. You’re Kurokishi, trusted guardian of peace and love. They’re up to no good. In this genre, those circumstances suffice.
In the background a helicopter crashes, igniting the whole tract in an eruption of flame, smoking charred ironwork ruins glowing rusted orange at dusk. In the foreground of the dusty plain short spiky-haired females adorned in breastplates, infrared goggles and little else crumple over in the face of your lightning quick flurry kicks and high spinning roundhouses. Arm length latex gloves and a tight white top -- a courteous amount of cleavage spilling out -- accentuate your inappropriate and ill-fitting outfit as more soldiers scream on screen via hover boards.
HUV – VER – BOARDS!
Freeze them in place with your chilling beam attack before hurling your petite frame forward with a flying foot to their face. A little further down the line a bosomy, pink-haired hussy in a slutty purple one-piece wags a menacing finger as she summons surly German Shepherds to pounce. Down the dogs and grab the jezebel by her heaving melons, letting loose with vicious knee kicks to her Barbie-proportioned abdomen before tossing her form to the arid ground. Move on.
At a table in the security break room three more faceless henchmen kill time as they carefully construct a house of cards; their superior relaxes, arms folded behind her head in the background, reclining in a desk chair while watching the evening news. A thunderous explosion; the left side wall summarily crumbles as you just pinpointed a forceful dropkick to leave only ruins.
You remember how good your tits look. Fucking awesome.
A cameraman appears in the foreground; in the background, the newscaster cuts away to breaking coverage: a beast of a woman with bloated, mammoth, tree trunk size thighs and a corkscrewing midsection that unravels with arms outstretched in a whirlwind of steroid-fueled torque and devastating fury appears on screen. Next to her is a scantily clad attractive blonde with cream skinned legs that look vaguely familiar. Don't you have those boots?
Time. You're merely three minutes deep.
Interested in Guardians/Denjin Makai II yet?
There is too much going on in this game for even me to describe; needless to say, I think you’ll enjoy playing it. Five stages of ever-evolving, absolute mayhem with branching paths await conquering by an eclectic set of eight, a juxtaposed justice league of beat ‘em up badasses. I use Kurokishi as an example because her charms catch the eye first – the loin-cloth sporting barbarian Tulks, the blue-winged guardian angel Zeldia and the bumbling bulk of bolts and battery power P. Belva are all equally apt adventurers, and so is the rest of the crew. You’ll clash with flame throwing robots and vicious otherworldly beasts, child-carrying sumo wrestlers and pincer-armed scorpion bosses that keep coming back for more. You’ll end up on mean streets and trade blows with meaner underbosses. You'll be completely blown away no matter your course by whatever madness comes next.
The only thing missing from the Banpresto offering is a concentrated, centralized theme; it lacks what makes Final Fight, The Punisher or Cadillacs & Dinosaurs such cohesive affairs. Those games throw a monkeywrench at you, catch you off guard and leave your brain mush at the insanity of it all. Yet somehow upon reflection, there’s cohesion and culture; taken in context, their world is consistent throughout. They make sense (to me, at least). Guardians/Denjin Makai II is a mishmash of different playbooks, a selfish, relentless amalgamation of craziness and curiosity that explores every conceivable type of content a beat ‘em up could. There are a few mainstays, but no Andores or Wrench Ts to cyclically bring you back to its reality, no names at all in fact. Never pranking the same old coot, its continuously calling new names from the telephone book. Sometimes, a little repetition is a good thing; this appetent title refuses to reiterate anything that makes it great, charging turbulently and tirelessly to an all-too-soon finish.
It's a remarkable sight to see how it gets there, though. Stop picturing; it's time to play now.
Staff review by Jackie Curtis (December 24, 2008)
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