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Galactic Civilizations II (PC) artwork

Galactic Civilizations II (PC) review


"August 1, 2007- On this day, I created my people. I named them the Memians, after internet memes of old. I knew I would need to give them the right skills to survive in this harsh galaxy, so upon them, I blessed them with augmentations to their soldiering skills, their shipbuilding abilities, and their reproductive 'talents'. My bunny-like custom race--with their ability to fuck like rabbits and increase their population by over nine thousand times--set out to dominate thei..."



August 1, 2007- On this day, I created my people. I named them the Memians, after internet memes of old. I knew I would need to give them the right skills to survive in this harsh galaxy, so upon them, I blessed them with augmentations to their soldiering skills, their shipbuilding abilities, and their reproductive 'talents'. My bunny-like custom race--with their ability to fuck like rabbits and increase their population by over nine thousand times--set out to dominate their massive galaxy in a powerful turn-based orchestra of strategy akin to Sid Meier's Civilization.

To get them started, I helped them design their ships using the powerful ship editor, which allowed me to make ships that are limited only by my imagination and the technical expertise of my Memian lagomorph-people. By putting together parts that my people developed, I was able to create any kind of ship I wanted, name it whatever I wanted and even change the paintjob. And so, the U.S.S. Slowpoke rolled off the assembly line as the first of many ships named after Pokémon. With their new ships in tow, the Memians left their home planet Copypasta, ready to conquer the universe in the name of bunnies everywhere.

It started out slow. The Memians crept through their small star system, finding distant asteroids, ruins of ancient civilizations and other anomalies that they would learn new abilities and technology from. They would spend their time researching essential technologies to travel even further from home while colonizing even more planets that their insatiable horniness would quickly fill to the brim. No matter how many planets my people filled, no matter how many worlds they dominated, it seemed as if my vast civilization would easily control the universe at this rate.

That's when we ran into them.

August 5, 2007- We've been at war with the Drengin for a while now. An ugly, war-mongering, piglike race, the Drengin were the Klingons to our Captain Kirk; the Volgons to our Arthur Dent. As soon as we met them, trouble brewed. Their massive fleet instantly contacted us and demanded from our Memian flagship, the U.S.S. Mudkip, over 300 billion credits and much of our relatively advanced technology, simply for the right to continue living. Faced with such a force, I felt I had no choice.

I ordered my people to demand everything the Drengin own in exchange for one billion credits. The Mudkip was promptly destroyed.

And so, the Memians were at war. Though my people were a large race, and constantly getting larger, the Drengin had superior firepower. In an attempt to circumvent this, I utilized another great feature: I created a new ship design based on an evolution of the Mudkip. This evolved Mudkip, the U.S.S. Swampert, would be the ticket I need. But I would soon learn that their AI was also much, much smarter than I...

August 8, 2007- I don't know how much longer I can hold out. The Drengin are simply too powerful. With myself at the helm making mistake after mistake, It seems like my Memians won't last through another game year. The other races in the universe, like the humans from earth; the Yor, a race of cyborgs; The Korx, a dominion of merchants; or one of neary a dozen other civilizations were all banding together to wipe out my cocky rabbits.

But a glimmer of hope appeared. The Drengin, who started the war against me, suddenly switched sides and began fighting those who would wipe me out.

Being the cocky bastard I am, I clearly assumed this was because they were afraid of my awesome bunnies.

I was wrong.

August 11, 2007- Thanks to Drengin/Memian teamwork, the gigantic alliance of other races had all but dissolved. It seemed like victory was back in my grasp. That's when the Drengin switched sides again and wiped the Memians out before my eyes.

In the long run, it was all just a ploy to finish me off.

Such is a testament to the brilliant intelligence that these races operate on. Had the Drengin eliminated me, they would have lost overall, for one of the conditions of victory is to have an alliance with all of the remaining races... Something the Korx would have achieved should I be disposed of. It was in the Drengin's best interest that the Memians survived long enough for the alliance to dissolve. It did, and once that agreement was out of the picture, we had served our purpose. The Memians were gone.

I've left this journal to you, dear readers, in the hopes that you will continue what the Memians were unable to finish. I may have failed them, but you might not. Enter the gargantuan depth of Galactic Civilizations II, and fight the war that I was unable to. Create your own race, your own ship designs, and your own abilities, and step into this mammoth galaxy that we all call home. Take part in this amazing orchestra of space strategy, and should you hear stories of a long-gone population of horny rabbits, remember the words inscribed here.

Now if you'll excuse me... I have a populace to rekindle.

Rating: 8/10

espiga's avatar
Community review by espiga (August 15, 2007)

Espiga likes big butts, and cannot lie.

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