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The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES) artwork

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES) review


"Forget the rain, forget trying to determine if Link is a stumpy elf or a cross-eyed, inbred troll, forget the much-argued cosmetics. Just... let them go. Focus on Link to the Past as it is; a mediocre game. "



Forget the rain, forget trying to determine if Link is a stumpy elf or a cross-eyed, inbred troll, forget the much-argued cosmetics. Just... let them go. Focus on Link to the Past as it is; a mediocre game.

Remember the battles. Link isn’t too far into the game before he is given his first blade; one that has the size and the presence of a feeble butter knife. But size is not important: it’s what you do with it that counts and Link is a legendary swordsman! Thus, with blade in hand and steely look in eye, he does what he can with a flaccid dual offence. He either calls upon a wild, untamed swing that any idiot could perform or, at the hold and release of a button, launches into a ballet-like 360* spin with his tiny dagger exposed. Spare a thought for the waves of pallet-swapped foes: they never stood a chance.

Remember his travels. Buy into the laughable hyperbole about the little nymph’s ability to go anywhere then discover that this is not, in fact, Zelda 1. Link is free to explore as he wishes only so long as his path remains free of such mighty obstacles as a small wooden fence or a shallow puddle. These impassable landmarks are too much for the greatest warrior of his time to bypass, even if he owns an item in his inventory that lets him lift and subsequently hurl house-sized boulders, so our hero never walks right to his destination, but is instead forced to take a roundabout ramble as to avoid such monstrous pitfalls as small shrubberies and ‘Keep off the Grass!’ signs.

Remember the ‘revolutionary’ new Dark World which is often quoted as a system that changed the way games were made. What this feeble warp really does is pallet swap the entire map into an ever-so-slightly edited stage. Here amongst the shadows and the anger, our protagonist is himself warped to fit better in with his new surroundings. Link becomes a fluffy pink bunny of +2 cuteness. The Horror!

Is this really the game that everyone loves so? What am I missing? Should I find myself caring about the same slightly-edited plot lifted from the previous two titles then dug up from the graves and transplanted, rotting and reeking, in a shiny new 3D body, wrapped up with hype and released as Ocarina of Time? Should I cream like the rest of you over the run-into-the-ground soundtrack, the sugary-sweet graphics that lands the unhealthy side of childish? Should I be seeing a masterpiece when all my disappointed eyes register is long stretches of boredom involving asinine fetch-quests housed within dull, laborious dungeons, broken up only by vastly, and, frankly, surprisingly, enjoyable boss encounters?

The fact is I do remember. I remember the trudging repeatatism, the goofy story centred on evil fairies, villains with huge eyebrows and princesses in peril that even preschoolers would find childish. I remember the placid, mute and personaless lead that can’t be saved from the status of humdrum even with the plethora of cool gadgets at his constant disposal. I do, I really do, I remember it all.

I even remember the rain. I remember the screen was washed over with a dramatic shade of grey as the rain fell from the sky in white streaks. Hyrule forever stayed that shade.

Link to the Past is a game without colour.

Rating: 5/10

Pyro's avatar
Community review by Pyro (July 28, 2007)

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More Reviews by Pyro
Chrono Cross (PlayStation) artwork
Chrono Cross (PlayStation)

Once upon a time, a goblin appeared in my home and told me if I did not unlock all of Chrono Cross' numerous endings via hours and hours of awful gameplay, he would infect me with AIDS. I suffered neither fate. Because goblins do not exist.

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Masters posted January 25, 2010:

You know you've arrived when someone writes their review specifically to mock your own.
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aschultz posted January 26, 2010:

And you know you've spent too much time with your thesaurus if it took you THIS long to notice it.

//2004'd
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overdrive posted January 26, 2010:

This depresses me. Because it means that, to the best of my knowledge, I still haven't arrived. After nearly seven years and (counting the GF sectioned ones I didn't bring over here) about 300 reviews, you'd have thought that would have happened at some point.
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Masters posted January 26, 2010:

Wow, Andrew just killed me there. Totally uncalled for. :(

Don't worry Rob -- someone may well have ripped one of your reviews and you just don't know it... yet.

Look how long it took me to find out!
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jerec posted January 26, 2010:

OD, you arrived a long time ago. We've all been insulting your reviews for years.
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overdrive posted January 26, 2010:

Well, yeah...I take the constant insulting for granted. I want people to start ripping off stuff I say in my reviews to directly bash them. That's a whole new level of arriving!
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aschultz posted February 01, 2010:

Sorry Masters--I never know if emoticons are either condescending or necessary in this situation when I'm trying to bust out and be all clever :/.

To make it up to you, I'll try to push through the LONG-AWAITED sequel to my Toki NES review.

It's too crappy and irrelevant intense for HG reviews proper, but it'll make a good blog entry.

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