Final Fantasy VIII (PlayStation) review "Wake up... "

Wake up...
She is waiting for you...
Fitos... Lusec...(oh, please)
Vicos...(ugghhhh...)
Vinosec...(Alright! Alright! I'm up! I'm up!)

Just stop it with all the chanting. Stupid operatic, Greek-epic-wannabe chorus.

Is it morning already? Sigh. Need...more...sleep... stretch, stretch. Yawn. Shuffle, Shuffle, Yawn. Look in the mirror... ... ... I swear I'm gonna kill that go!@#$! Seifer one day! Slashed me in the face, what the fuck?! Hope the scar I gave burns his face, too. Bastard.

Squall Leonheart, please report to the bridge.

Geez… for the past few months, I feel like I’m in a video game or something, like one of those stereotypical “fantasy”, turn-based role-playing games by Squaresoft. And I’m that stereotypical, strong and silent introvert with a cool-ass “Gunblade” sword and some deep complex or whatever. Well, at least I’m better than that Cloud guy. I mean, boy, does he have some issues. And I’ve got GF. Sure, they’re sort of like jealous girlfriends with their bitchy “I should be your one and only GF” compatibility spiel, but as long as they’re still kickin’, I can open a big can of whoop ass. Junction some Ultima magic to my strength and I’ve got everyone owned.

Wait, did I just say “whoop ass”? Ugh… they’re right. I’ve got to stop talking to myself. Squall Leonheart. Maybe that’s what happens when your first name is a verb and your last name is so go!@#$! lazy. But it’s not like I’m the only one with problems. I mean, Balamb Garden is a breeding ground for insanity. Seifer is ummm… well… a bastard. Zell’s fists are as big as his mouth. (And what’s with that gigantic tattoo on his face? He’s not in “The Bouncer”.) Selphie is a Hello Kitty with a nunchaku. Irvine thinks he’s a cowboy but he’s just a womanizer. Quistis, my instructor of all things, has a fancy for whips. Can anyone say “dominatrix”? And Rinoa, well, she’s…

Squall Leonheart, please report to the bridge.

Ughhh…why did I ever sign up as a Seed? I thought that mercenaries were supposed to be cool, but I’m more like a drone that spends half its life drawing magic, sucking bluish-purple orbs from monsters? I mean, why can’t I have magic to myself? I just don’t get it. And now my “friends” have got me into “Triple Triad”. Great, I get to play cards with pictures of ugly monsters with everyone else on this god-forsaken planet. It’s worse than Yu-Gi-Oh! or Pokémon cards. Take your pick.

Squall Leonheart, please report to the bridge.

Well, you know what?! Little “Ms. Dominatrix” can just shut the hell up! Geez, she makes Rinoa seem like an angel. Well…I ummm… guess… that Rinoa is quite gorgeous and romantic music seems to play when I’m with her. She’s even more beautiful than all the sights and sounds in the world… uggghhh… I’m getting all mushy. I guess that means we’ll save the universe. (And have an airship, of course.)

I mean, it is Final Fantasy.

Community review by draqq_zyxx (December 28, 2005) A bio for this contributor is currently unavailable, but check back soon to see if that changes. If you are the author of this review, you can update your bio from the Settings page.